Trailer Trash

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In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Martin E Nash,
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.

When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "Get out some more!"

He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop.

He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope and dealing coke
and working as a caddy.
He would rather choke.

No, Martin wouldn't be like his mom
eating and eating away the pain
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain.

Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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This is so inspiring and definitely has a good message :)

The only problem I see with this is the rhyming seemed forced at places.
and exclaim "Get out some more!"

He would rather choke.

of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,

I'm preaching to the choir here because I do the exact same thing. Don't get so caught up in getting it to rhyme you're not even sure what's you're saying.

there was a boy who gave a crap.

That was worded really funny. Perhaps you should take another look at that.

You also have some style problems. Keep with the same rhyming pattern the entire time. Like ABABAB or ABCABABC. You seemed to ryhme whenever it was convinent.

I hope my review helped!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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That was a really good poem and it rhymed too. It also has a really good message that was clear and understandable. I don't usually review poetry and my review might not be worth anything at all but I belive that you should change nothing at all. I hope you keep writing poetry so that I could read more.




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You have an interesting poem here. What was your inspiration?

I'm going to try to give you a good review...but I apologize if it isn't good since I haven't reviewed in a while.

paintingtherain97 wrote:In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Martin E. Nash, --> put a period after "E"
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.

When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "get out some more!" The 'G' doesn't need to be capitalized

He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop. --> this rhyme seems a little forced...but I like where you are going with this.

He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope and dealing coke
and working as a caddy.
He would rather choke. --> maybe make the first two lines of this stanza a sentence and the second two lines a separate sentence...it might help with the flow.

No, Martin wouldn't be like his mom
eating and eating away the pain
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain. This stanza confused me a little bit. Maybe try reducing the amount of words, as it is a bit wordy.

Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find. Nice job on the happy ending :]


Okay, you have done a good job finding a subject matter and finding words that rhyme - but now it is time to go one step further and work on the rhyme and rhythm of your poem. Having a steady rhythm throughout the poem helps the reader connect more with what you are trying to convey to them, and it makes it more fun to read.

I hope this helps, keep writing!
-Jessa
Love is like a butterfly, it settles upon you when you least expect it.
Drew Marrymore

~Jessa~




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Thanks for the reviews. I'll work on it. Sorry if the rhymes were sort of forced. I'm new at this.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.




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I really liked the message this gave of hope and making it through tough times, and the rhyming was nice too. But one stanza didn't make much sense and a couple of the rhymes did seem a bit forced. But you've already been told this, so I guess I don't need to repeat it. I really liked your style of writing, and how honest it seemed. I hope you keep up the good work! :D




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In the land of white trash,
there was a boy who gave a crap.
His name was Martin E Nash,
and he just wouldn't shut his trap.

When the kids would call him out
and say that he was poor,
he would begin to shout
and exclaim "Get out some more!" I like this stanza. Rhyming was good. Didn't seem forced.

He may have bought his outfits
at the second-hand shop,
but out of high school classes
he would not drop. Forced rhyme right here.

He wouldn't be like his daddy,
smoking dope and dealing coke Nice assonance.
and working as a caddy.
He would rather choke.

No, Martin wouldn't be like his mom
eating away the pain You don't need to repeat "eating". It's more powerful like this.
of mistakes like the threat of a bomb,
that on her record would remain. I don't understand this?

Martin would leave
the poverty and mobile home behind.
He would believe
in the future he had to find. You can induce imagery in this last stanza. Don't be so literal.


Ok, so you caught my attention with this, mainly because it's about the typical "white trash" and poor people living in trailers - and it relates to my favorite artist: Eminem.
This is very similar to his kind of stuff.

Anyway. I did like it, but it could be a lot better. If you're going down this dark route, really go into it. I mean come one, living in a trailer with a coke selling dad and an obese mom is no joke. That sh1t is devastating. Try to bring that across.

Nice attempt, and I think you can really make this work.
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Oh my goddess, and hey, I'm Demoness! This is such a touching poem!
Amazing story you're telling here, you deliver a very important message and I love how even though the kid's obviously has got a hard time he's still so strong and keep goals and yeeh. BRILLIANT!
If to complain on something, that would be some of the rhymes which I find forced.. the last line in the first stanza for one.. It didn't really make sense :P
The ending was great in one way, since it was hopeful, but also... it was a bit dissapointing and dull.. Try spicing it up a bit!

Otherwise, great flow and structure and story and all... Loved it!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness (I don't like you as much as I like your poem.. you're trying to steal my reviewer of the month title.. and I've been working SOOOO hard!! ^^ )
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




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Points 1145
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Thanks for the reviews. I'll work on it. Sorry if the rhymes were sort of forced. I'm new at this. Lol demoness. I just like reviewing and don't have a life. Sorry.
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known..." A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens.



I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
— John Cage