Do You Know Me?

I am more
than what you perceive.
My skin
will forever be covered
in the tracing reminders
of my past.

If you held me
you could feel no difference.
But if you touched me,
my skin would be
as smooth as the bottles
that lie on the floor.

If you saw my reflection,
You’d see the shadows
under my eyes.
Endless nights of studies.
Endless nights of tears.

And after all of this,
The outcome is always the same.
A hand
Ripping against my flesh
With the intensity of a blade.
Gashes on my face
Show my longing to succeed.

But please, tell me--

Why do you think
I strive to be the best?
Ponder the concept,
when you reach a conclusion
I'll stop trying
to understand, myself.

I don't know you. The poem may be too personal, depending on what you consider too personal. I like the poem. The feelings in just grab you and take you on a ride. I'm not a critical person, and I think the poem is more about the emotion than the the form, so since there are no spelling errors that I see I think there are no issues. I might not be agreed with, but my opinion is that this poem is great and you shouldn't toss it out.

That's a really good evaluation of your own writing. Whenever you have a feeling like that, be sure you don't brush it off.
I think the reason that this piece feels too personal is because it is! Haha. The problem lies in the fact that you've written it so that it's basically a journal entry. You understand everything you are referring to because it's about your life. You know what you mean when you say "you think my parents don't drink?" but the reader is left wondering, "wait, do people think that? do her parents drink? does it affect her? does it affect other people?".

I don't think you should abandon this attempt. I think you should throw this poem out, yes, but keep the emotion with which you wrote it. You wrote it for a reason, but it just needs to be translated in a different way so that more readers can connect with it.

You can make it more accessible in a few ways. First, make it more specific. If we know exactly what is going on, it's easier to connect because it feels like we're really watching it happen. Specific details bring us into a specific story instead of vague statements that might refer to specific things in YOUR head, but not in ours.

Second, connect us to things we might not understand. The purpose of simile and metaphor can be to compare unfamiliar things to familiar things. If you compare the texture of the moon to a skin of an orange, you allow the reader to take what they know about the skin of an orange and imagine it on the moon, thus making the moon more familiar to them.

Third, don't lose what you're trying to say. I think what's most intriguing about the piece you have NOW is:

Why do you think
I strive to be the best?
Ponder the concept,
when you reach a conclusion
I'll stop trying
to understand, myself.

Because it asks a question of the reader. It actually makes me think "why does she want to be the best". By bringing it out, instead of assuming why you do, I have to consider the fact that I could be wrong, that she might have her own reason. Did you feel that part was strong when you were writing it? If you did, there's a reason.

Listen to what you feel about this. The fact that you thought it was too personal shows that you have talent to evaluate yourself, and that's a solid start. Experiment with different ways to communicate this message, this story.

And let me know if you have any questions. ( :

Hannah

I do actually feel like this is a little too personal. I can't imagine what it felt like to write, but it was very difficult to read something that was so close to a diary entry or something similar.
And it's too personal to critique. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that I didn't like the subject matter for the poem. How could I say that to another person when this is your life story-- sorry, your heart is not interesting enough material to base a poem off of, please scrap this and try again?
That being said, it does touch on a wonderfully raw nerve. But I also feel like it's all over the place-- as our innermost thoughts and emotions often are.
I feel about this poem the same way I feel about abstract art-- it's nice, but a little too wild. Try to turn this poem into surreal art-- a mixture of imagination, feeling and form.
But you have a really good foundation here; good luck with it no matter what you decide to do and always keep writing.

This is amazing. It is full of emotion and i just love that. Sure some may say its too personal but i dont think that. Your doing great keep it up

I really liked this poem. It was riveting. Taking you on a ride of questions that most cannot answer. And that's the point right? Showing the reader...following the footsteps of the person that cannot answer these questions, that they honestly know nothing about you. That they can't answer these questions.
Anyway, I saw no spelling errors. And I really liked the questioning and.. everything!
--Hayley

Wow. This poem is powerful, gripping, and emotional...very personal but isn't the best poetry made that way?

Keep it up, this one gave me chills