Hey Megan, I liked your basic premise for this poem, but I'm not sure if you meant for this to be about something very specific or something rather general. Your first stanza makes your voice sound very much in protest, and anti-establishment, however the end of your poem makes me think maybe you're talking about love, or maybe just a friendship. I don't know if you are trying to be vague in your writing, but if you're not maybe you should add more to this poem. I'm not a fan of your repetitiveness in this poem, especially since the second stanza breaks the pattern. One last thing, I think you should try to find a word to replace 'ideas' in the first stanza, it doesn't really fit the rhyme scheme. Good work, keep writing! -Alex
Much better. Now it seems like you're writing about something you've been holding back for a while, and now you want to let it out. I like it. I have no criticizms! Great job! -Alex
Your poem was vary flowing and had a nice rhythm.The poem was well thought out.And you can say i'm not a critic.
IHI means hi backwards, forwards, vertical, horizontal, and any other way and is pronounced by saying the individual letters, like so I H I. I came up with IHI as my thing, don't take it or I will send a scary monster after you ; D
I wonder what this poem would be like if it wasn't hidden behind the rhyming. I feel like you definitely have something to say, but it's so clouded by trying to fit your message into words that rhyme with the previous line! And because you've had to fit into specific words, you haven't said what you meant. It doesn't make sense. You take a word that rhymes and try to fit the meaning into it, but I don't think it WORKS.
I'm sorry. It's disappointing, because I feel like there's a story behind here. I wanna know how you feel. I want to know why you don't have time and what has brought you to this point, where you have to say this, out loud, to the person the speaker is talking to.
I love how direct it is, especially in points like this:
I know you well, so don't pretend.
It's so direct. It's an order. We can really feel that the speaker knows the listener well. I want to know a little more about why they are in a position of authority and can say this without tempering it with manners or anything like that. I want to know what brought them to that point.
Do you feel satisfied with the way it is? Do you feel like people reading it will find meaning in the same places that you do when you read it?
Let me know if you have questions or if you want to talk about it more.
Hannah
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
