Offbeat Souls

What if our souls moved in ways we cannot comprehend?

Crouching in a dance of our emotions,
Collectively writhing to the music of time.

Stepping forward and backwards,
And from side to side.
Our souls respond to a voiceless rhythm.

They linger inside us, jerking their way to to our faces.
Stirring our longings, driving our desires,
Hungering for fulfillment in the face of our day to days.

They flail in an outlandish fluidity,
In a strange ball, spinning around our hearts.

The motion these intimate beings produce;
Acting out the lost, dark, gut reactions we hide.
That is how we survive, we have known this since the beginning of our lives.

Without inhibition, we open lifeless arms and close haunted eyes.
All at once, we move offbeat,
Shifting and wavering as we release our souls into the unknown.

Now human vessels lay on the ground.
The earth barren of life.

After-all, ourselves, the real us,
We are searching the unknown for rest.

I can relate to this, sort of. I think along those lines a lot and I encourage you not to give up the more...abstract view of the world. It confuses people when you say something all poetic in response to something you think about sometimes. Lots of people don't get poetry- they're afraid to step outside of the little world they live in and think. No matter what they say, keep writing. Because you're really, really good. You had amazing description and word choice, and I thought that the flow was good. See? I eventually made it back to the poem. Anyways, I think the title really drew my attention to the poem, and I wasn't disappointed at all. Thanks for posting!

l really liked your poem and the way you see the world as offbeat..........am l right?This is the first piece i've ever seen by you and look forward to reading more in the near future.
overall good job

Thank you so much for such positive feedback! I have always been nervous about putting my more abstract pieces online, I have actually a whole stack of these type of poems I just thought no one would want to look farther than face value. You both have encouraged me to keep thinking and writing way I do. <3

I, too, liked the abstractness and the imagery of this. Some people would find it confusing, but when they look deeper, they would understand it just fine. Did that make sense?... Anyway, my comments will be blue:

What if our souls moved in ways we cannot comprehend?

Crouching in a dance of our emotions,
Collectively writhing to the music of time.<- This is a very interesting stanza. Good.

Stepping forward and backwards,
And from side to side.
Our souls respond to a voiceless rhythm.<- <3 this stanza, especially the last line

They linger inside us, jerking their way to to our faces.
Stirring our longings, driving our desires,
Hungering for fulfillment in the face of our day to days.<- This really makes the reader think; great.

They flail in an outlandish fluidity,
In a strange ball, spinning around our hearts.This was a really new way of describing it.

The motion these intimate beings produce;
Acting out the lost, dark, gut reactions we hide.
That is how we survive, we have known this since the beginning of our lives.

Without inhibition, we open lifeless arms and close haunted eyes.
All at once, we move offbeat,
Shifting and wavering as we release our souls into the unknown.This is really good, and sort of releases the tension... well, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say there (not successfully, I'm sure).

Now human vessels lay on the ground.
The earth barren of life.

After-all, ourselves, the real us,
We are searching the unknown for rest.Good conclusion.

This was good, like I said. I can't really critique it because it's so different from other poetry. I'd like to point out one thing, which is your odd stanzas. They aren't bad, just different. They sort of help your point in this poem, without structure, etc. Well that review was all over the place. Anyway, never stop writing!!

Wow...this was really good. I loved the descriptive words and phrases you used to make the imagry in your piece very realistic. I really liked it, and it made me think. In other words, great job! Keep writing!