Coffee

READ SPOILER:

Spoiler

I wrote this for a class assignment and it was meant to be in 'ode style' so I'm guessing some of the rhymes might be a bit forced, not in most cases, but in some. I had to follow the rules though! Please critique!

Smooth silky richness meets my tongue, as I slowly sip the brown gold.
The very thought of a brew turns my head to the clouds in haste,
Yes, dearest coffee, you’re the only one I’ve told.
Only you know how I praise your name, your scent, your taste.
A drop, a drip, no, I can’t let a single black pearl go to waste.

Without you a day is brutal punishment; a mind in torment:
Alone without your soft warm whisper, your oozing passion,
I can barely cope, for you are my poison. This obsession I must repent,
Yet it cleaves to me in loathing. Cream and sugar added is my fashion.
A whip to stop me they may use, but I laugh and say, ‘lash on’.

I cannot bear to cover your bitter tang with false sweetness.
Some so-called lovers do, but don’t they merely want the sugary high?
Every morning I measure your essence, with deft repeatedness.
The perfect amount of grounds to use nobody knows but I,
You’d think it exaggeration, but I assure you, it is not a lie!

Burning heat in the stomach leaves a tingly sensation; corrupt nerves gone shaky.
Don’t worry, dear. I often live off you alone, you I’d never dream of deserting.
Abundant with flavors many, I’ll never tire, and no one can make me.
I’m quite sane. Coffee keeps me grounded. That’s somewhat… disconcerting.
The music of your song in motion, with a tinkle and a dribble. My, my are you flirting?

I’ve talked enough; this poor wretch has given the deserved praise,
I’ve completed my longing sincerity, to the drink that’s always king.
Just know this, my burning, smooth vice: I’ll love you all my days.
Never will a different drink take your place; I’ll remain your song to sing.
Devoted evermore to you, when I hear your cheerful gurgle, your happy splash ring.

Even now, I soak up your cunning wealth, the liquid softening my brain,
Hot rich flavors burst with long-tried patience, the mug’s steam tempting.
Oh, the feel of your kind embrace as I drink up your divine rain.
Hurtful to my bones, perhaps, but the blossoming care, is renting.
Some may persuade me to leave off, but never my faith denting.

Blissful endurance, I probably am quite sinfully insane.
Who can guess? Not I, for lost in mind, I couldn’t possibly know.
In continuous oblivion, I forget each morning, as you become my bane.
An admirer all my days of you, not of drugs nor smoke, no, I would never go that low.
I am faithful to your noxious self, because for you, I’d even cut off my left toe!

Um, I think I love this.

The very thought of a brew turns my head to the clouds in haste,

At first I thought it should "the brew" but now I see why you put a. Nevermind.

However, I would recommend putting something other than a comma on the end of that line-- a hyphen, perhaps.

A drop, a drip, no, I can’t let a single black pearl go to waste.

This might be even more poignant if you wrote it thus: "A drop? A drip? No! I can't let a single black pearl go to waste."

I often live off you alone, you I’d never dream of deserting.

Try a semi-colon (instead of the comma.)

My, my are you flirting?

Either use two commas or put the one after the second comma.

when I hear your cheerful gurgle, your happy splash ring.

Hm. Maybe put and in front of your.

Mmkay, I'll let someone else get any other nitpicks there are. (Sorry, I pulled an all-nighter.)

Overall, I loved this. Your imagery was beautiful, and except for a few things, your rhythm was perfect.

Great job! Thanks for posting this. ^_^

I HATE COFFEE.

...but the poem was epic, and quite dramatic. I loved it. XD I was saying to my fellow classmates, "This person like coffee too much."
Besides tasting nasty, coffee puts me to sleep. :V

Hello Matthews!

Nice to meetcha! You've practically summed up my existence in this poem. Nicely done. I've been drinking coffee since I was a wee tot. My grandmother used to mix it with milk and put it in my bottle. I kid you not. It was the only way I'd drink milk. Anywho, I liked this. I'm going to be honest and say I kinda stopped reading it after the fourth stanza, because I haven't had the requisite amount of coffee today that would enable me to keep my attention focused on one thing, but what I did read, I found delightfully playful. Good job of capturing the essence of java. You've done coffee addicts across the world proud.

Happy Writing!
Baywolf

Hi! From one fellow coffee addict to another, I loved this poem. You've put how great coffee really is for the world to see in an excellently-worded and pretty much gramatically perfect nutshell. So, as you can tell, I really liked reading this. I love espresso. Ok, random comment. What's your favorite! XD??? Leave me a comment if you like. *Like* from me!
~ Amelia:)

Hello there,

I liked this because:

It had amazing language which really made you want to drink coffee at this very moment, it also described the exact view that a coffee addict would have about their favorite drink. It also used complex description and I enjoyed reading the whole thing because it puts a new angle on coffee. It also worked well as an ode. Not mentioning the flow in this, the stanza's were all the same length and it was very accurately set out which I found really pleasing.

I didn't like this because:

I personally don't really like coffee at all which is obviously just me being who I am but aside from that I wasn't very keen on the length because it was far too long in my opinion and toward the end some people start to just skim through it rather than reading it. I also didn't understand how the last line really related to the poem and I think it was just a little unnecessary. There was also a few grammar mistakes but nothing too serious, they were all just minor.

Overall I did really like this and I hope to see more of your writing around. Keep using the great description and language it was very effective and definitely impacted this poem.

From Cute Jack Russell