Outside your window

3 posts
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Gender Male
Points 732
Reviews 79
I know a place.
It’s just outside your window,
With mesmerising beauty;
You can’t begin to fathom.

In this place,
Are our people;
With skins,
That glistens in the sun.

We take pleasure,
in our nights.
As we beat our drums,
To the howls of our hounds.

Our brother is the wind;
Our sister,
In her we swim.

Leap into the bosom,
Of my spirit;
And watch in awe,
As we dance to the voice of the mountains.

Come to my land.
Wallow in its beauty;
Unfold the essence of who we are;
Hear our voices and tremble.

Come with me.
And I’ll show you that world,
That’s just outside,
Your window.
Last edited by Temi on Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Tend your flame. It's what all we've got.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 170
The name suggest a very stalker like poem. xD I liked it though.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 0
Reviews 67
The title makes it sound creepy. But man is this good!

Nitpicks:

"Glistens" should be glisten. Or make "skins" skin.

The second verse uses "our" too much. I know its for emphasis, but thats too much.

Wallow in its beauty? Sounds a bit off.

Other than that, great job! Good imagery, fantastic emotions. It has a comely feel. Fantadtic keep writing!!!!!!
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."



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