Sin

That single word sends a shiver down my spine;

It gnashes at my soul with its claws.

I try my hardest to scurry away from it;

Just like a rat burrows from wildfire..



Some say it is Simple Instructions Neglected;

But I beg to differ.

Sin has sent men to their graves;

With its claws, it clutches men to its chaos.



It gives so called pleasure;

Pleasure with a regrettable price;

A price man cannot pay.

Sin is evil.



She booms with evil laughter,

As she sees the face of men contorted with fear.

There is way to escape her disastrous clutches,

Master your sin before she becomes your master.

Hi!
First of all, WELCOME! Hope you love it here! I'll be reviewing you work.
OK, so: I really, really loved this poem. It was deep, soulful, dramtic, very compelling and the message was direct and forceful. It flowed well. Here's a nitpick:

Temi wrote:That single word sends a shiver down my spine,

It gnashes at my soul with its tendrils, ( I don't like this word, tendrils. I assosiate it with thin hair. It's not very powerful, especially when you're trying to paint the picture of sin being strong and masterful. I'd use another word, like vine ect - something to signify strength and vigor)

I try my hardest to scurry away from it,

Just like a rat burrows from wildfire ( I like the simile),


Some say it is Simple Instructions Neglected,

But I beg to differ, ( a ':' would be better here)

Sin has sent men to their graves,

With its tendrils ( again, I feel that this is totally the wrong word to use), it clutches men to its chaos, ( this last bit doesn't convey a trapping. Try claws men into it's chaos)


It gives so called pleasure,

Pleasure with a regrettable price,

A price man cannot pay,

Sin, ( don't need comma) is evil,



She booms with laughter of evil, ( don't use evil again. The repetition doesn't read great here)

As she sees the face of men contorted with fear, ( full stop)

But ( scrap 'but')there is way to escape her disastrous clutches,

Master your sin before she becomes your master.

Hope this review helps! All-in-all, I liked this poem. Well done. Thanks, and, once again, welome to YWS!
~Amelia

Alright, this poem (just to be honest) at first creeped me out. I liked it yes, but your word choice and use of imagery really made me a little creeped. Because of the nature of the poem, however, I would say that this is a good thing, since it seems that such a feeling was actually your intent, and therefore should be looked at as achievement not criticism. I do have a few pointers though (mainly just grammar):

That single word sends a shiver down my spine, Comma doesn't belong, try a semi-colon (;) or a period.

It gnashes at my soul with its tendrils, Try a period here instead.

I try my hardest to scurry away from it, Period or semi-colon.

Just like a rat burrows from wildfire, Period.



Some say it is Simple Instructions Neglected,

But I beg to differ,

Sin has sent men to their graves,

With its tendrils, it clutches men to its chaos,



It gives so called pleasure,

Pleasure with a regrettable price,

A price man cannot pay,

Sin, is evil,



She booms with laughter of evil, This sounds a little awkward, maybe try evil laughter instead?

As she sees the face of men contorted with fear,

But there is way to escape her disastrous clutches,

Master your sin before she becomes your master. How? Not needed info, but could be interesting and broadening.

You're pretty good except your punctuation, that whole poem is NOT one sentence. Ever heard of a run on? Yea, you have a MAJOR case here. Try putting at least one period in each stanza (normally the last), and as a good rule of thumb, comma-and comma-so comma-but comma-however comma-though. Other than that, and of course other obvious places, use a semi-colon or a period. If you have a sentence like "Some say it is Simple Instructions Neglected, But I beg to differ, Sin has sent men to their graves, With its tendrils, it clutches men to its chaos," The punctuation doesn't make sense. The comma before the "but" is good, but the comma before the "sin" makes no sense. If you have to restate the "it" (sin), then you have a new sentence; it doesn't always have to be one. The correct punctuation for that sentance would be "Some say it is Simple Instructions Neglected, But I beg to differ. Sin has sent men to their graves, The comma is okay here but you could also use a semi-colon or a period) With its tendrils, it clutches men to its chaos." Good luck, I used to suck at punctuation and NEVER added it into my poetry because I always did it wrong, but I found when I finally started using it (correctly) my poetry became much better and had such a better rhythm and understanding. Keep writing and cut back on the run-ons .

Master your sin before she becomes your master! <-- just love that line!

So, maybe the other had given you enough review about your poem, I'm not really a good constructive critique (except if I really see the mistakes because I'm not a good observer, haha!) and so, all I can say is you've got a good concept in here, and this one's kinda scary- especially with the line that tells about men contorted with fear. I could imagine that they were being sent to hell to pay for their sins! haha!


Good job!

I love how you chose the battle of defining sin. Calling it a she and describing her evil ways...it is truly beautiful! You have a clear voice when you write and a very distinct direction. It makes the poem easy to follow and meaning to read. I also love the comparisons with price! And the smoothness of the line "A price man cannot pay," is incredible! Keep up the amazing work!

This was very good, and I enjoyed it. I have a couple nitpics though: 1) The huge gaps between every single line really annoyed me and threw me off. There was a long...pause before I could keep reading. A little suspension is good, but when it's like that...eh, so make this lines closer together.

Also, "Simple Instructions Ignored" this really doesn't need to be capitolized. It makes it stick out and makes me think beyond what I should for the meaning of the words.

And last but not least, the last line "Master your sin before she becomes your master." Well, when we're born, we're all automatically enslaved to sin. It's only when we realize how sinful we are, and repent of our sins, and accept Christ's gift of Salvation that we can be free of them. But that's Christ's doing, not our own. We cannot 'master' our own sins. We need His help. We cannot 'save' ourselves.

So, maybe I was being a bit too technical, but I though I'd point it out. Good job and I enjoyed reading this. Keep it up!

Helluee! I'm Demoness and I've come to give you a review!

So, to begin with I must say your imagery is really great, this piece is so vivid I was slightly creeped out! I like how you stick to using 4 lines in each stanza but I was a bit bugged with the fact that some lines were so much shorter than others and that there seemed to be no pattern to it But other than that I've got no complaints, the flow is pretty okay and you use punctuation so an extra plus for that xD

Finally, I love the end line; "Master your sin before she becomes your master." - It was a great tie-up to summon the entire piece and a great advice too!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness