Love IV (Illumination)

Spoiler

This is the fourth and final part in a series.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
All parts are meant to be in the same voice, but not necessarily chronological.

That crumpled green line
and all those digital birds chirping
could never convince me
that my days won't soon be a faded memory,
brushed white with nostalgia and time.

In your absence,
each year has been another plunge
into icewater caverns,
searching for anything that could possibly illuminate
why I don't miss your body beside me.

Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
but it cannot be today.

Like on the day our daughter was born,
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror.
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."

That's where we always differed;
you turned to fate and asked it where it could take you
while I tore my fingernails against the walls
hoping I could make an escape
from the crush of circumstance.

I can't decide whether the isolation shattered my spirit
or just let it in on some long-lost secret,
but my hands are bloodied and my legs are tired.
So now I think it's time that I concede myself
to a well-earned defeat;

I'll roll over to pull that green line tight
and whisper my answer to those little programmed birds:
"Memories of true love
held to a sick man's chest
will warm him through the night."

Very beautiful, I will read the others. There is nothing bad i can say about this poem you have set the mood perfectly and also tell the story perfectly. Keep up the good work!

Nachtschatten. Alright. I think you won’t mind if I be blunt in a few things.

Whereas I normally begin with stanza one, let me preach about your title for just a second. Basically, you have a full giveaway in your choice of title. While it’s a clunky-and-not-too-appealing word itself, Electrocardiogram gives away every plot detail of the piece, all in assumptions. This would be perfectly fine if you were to have an unexpected twist, but that isn’t the case, so I don’t advise using such a precise and obvious title. Heart monitor. Illness. Dying. Flatline. All in the title. See what I mean? Be clever with it or be simple, but don’t be obvious.

Also, just as a visual aid:

Love I (Decay)
Love II (Rebellion)
Love III (Masks)
Love IV (Electrocardiogram)

...see what I mean?

Your first line is a turn-off for me. It’s not the crumpled green line that gets me, but the false hope. It gets rather easy to describe something in terms of false hope, especially in a hospital scene. In fact, I’d wager to say that 40% of hospital poems use the phrase ‘false hope’. Don’t be one of those statistics. As another hark against false hope, it’s basic and not very conducive to your flow here, so picking a better term for your rhythm’s sake would be a good move on your part. Your phrase, “digital birds chirping” is nice as a descriptor, though it may verge on inaccuracy as far as what you’re describing. However, that’s on the line of “do I want beauty or technicality?” so make it work to your liking.

In stanza two, you open up this drastic image in lines 1-3 that is actually gripping, but let it die off right after you introduce it. As long as it stays loyal to your flow and tone, try to expand the metaphor. On the other hand,

searching for anything that could possibly illuminate
why I don't miss your body beside me...

could be changed for the better in many senses. It lets this stanza fall into obscurity and become one of those “come and leave” memories that won’t linger. Just because this can gear your poem for success does not mean that it’ll make it significant, and if you’re sharing this, it should be geared for significance. Maybe it’s the lack of precision in the choice of “illuminate” that gets me, but there’s something off-kilter about it, and it needs attention. And it’s this stanza that confuses me as to what happened just before this poem occurrence. It’s not made very clear whether the narrator’s wife died or left him, though it would be supportive of the mood to imply that she died, which is what I want to assume. And if my assumption is correct, then this particular couplet of lines is wrong in another sense: it implies that he doesn’t miss her.

Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
but it cannot be today.

The flow into this particular stanza isn’t fantastic. The ellipses ending the stanza before imply that it should be a continuation, but the transition comes abruptly. This could be remedied by the addition of the word, “and” or “but” or something along those lines. Given, that’s my personal taste, and if you disagree, don’t do it. Read it aloud and see what works for you.

While the last two lines of this stanza are nice and all, it goes against his dying later in the piece, unless you’re implying the fading of memories in death, which is a nice undertone, but not quite stated enough. That’s not to say that you should make this blatant—don’t.

Again, the transition into your next stanza came too abruptly. It’s like a stream of consciousness without the stream. You just hopped from one river rock to the next without splashing in the water. Give us as readers an admirable flow, which this does not exemplify. Here’s something you can try, though it’s not a suggestion to actually use this. Make it your own.

Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
bled away like toxic recollections.

Like the day our daughter was born, when
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror.
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."

And that is much more awful than I expected it to be. But you see what my point is—transitions make a poem. And yes, I’m a hypocrite for saying that. Just slip a bridge between stanzas and you’ll be fine.

Your next stanza comes about just fine as far as flow and word choice. I’m not so sure about the choice of a semi-colon. I’m sure I’ll recommend a dash and Steamephoneia will recommend a colon, but I’m not sure about the presence of such a definitive mark between those ideas to separate them. They’re too fluidly combined to schism. Other than that tiny little punctuation, I love this stanza.

And then we come back to isolation talk. This is where a definitive divide between “she died/she left me” needs to come in. It could possibly replace the “or just let it in on some long-lost secret,” line. You continue on into a clunky sentence that seems to just serve as a cop-out bridge to the ending. Following that, you could actually change this:

but my hands are bloodied and my legs are tired,
so now I think it’s time that I concede myself
to a well-earned defeat;

and make the last two stanzas one sentence. Or it could actually work to make each stanza a sentence, since the gap seems to be more definitive between the two, anyway. But of course, it’s your choice.

And then there’s your ending: the grand ending to the Love Series. Are you satisfied with it? While this poem serves as a fantastic ending, I’m not sure about the wording of the ending dialog. In fact, everything in this poem speaks against the truth you put in that very last line. Nothing about those memories seemed very warm, and they ultimately sent him to wanting to die. So consider what you’re trying to say with that final line because it’s going to ultimately leave your final imprint on the reader.

So my general idea is that I like this poem. Quite a bit. And it’s my favorite of the four, but it needs work. Give it a try with what I said and what other reviewers throw in themselves, and make this as perfect as possible because it deserves it. As always, let me know if you have any questions or comments.

-Lumi

I hate to follow Lumi's review because he's made some pretty good points already, but let's see what we can pull out of this. Let's start at the top. Ahead of time, sorry if I repeat anything you've already heard.

Nightshade wrote:That crumpled green line offers false hope,
and all these digital birds chirping
could never convince me
that my days won't soon be a faded memory,
brushed white with nostalgia and time.

Not a fan if your word choice in the very first line. The word "crumpled" contains it's own meaning, sort of a mental image of something being slowly compressed (but not crushed), such as paper or anything else that's tangible, loud, and rough to the touch. That could just be me, but with that said, "crumpled" really just doesn't sound like a sufficient word to describe an electrocardiogram. I'd suggest using an adjective with more of a smooth connotation to it. "false hope" is also a pretty bland way to kick off your final poem and, for me, really gave away an idea of what the ending was going to be like. Now, aside from the first line, I love the first stanza. The "digital birds chirping" is a nice touch, as well as the last line of the stanza: "brushed white with nostalgia and time." Excellent.

Nightshade wrote:In your absence,
each year has been another plunge
into icewater caverns,
searching for anything that could possibly illuminate
why I don't miss your body beside me...

I could argue that the way you introduce the "icewater cavern" image is a bit blunt, like a "when you're gone, this is how I feel" poem that doesn't really ease into the descriptions. On the other hand, the actual picture (or really, feeling) you set in the readers mind is fantastic. Now, while it seems as if you used the ellipsis because the next stanza also touches on what her absence feels like, having it there doesn't really promote a better flow and didn't do much to connect the two stanzas. But, that's just my opinion.

Nightshade wrote:Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
but it cannot be today.

Midnight "talk" is a bit colorless. I don't advise you to use these words exactly (though I guess you can if you really want to), but something such as "whispers" or any kind of synonym that would offer more emotion instead of just "talk" would work well. "caged in my softening skull" is a great line, especially for situations such as the one you set up here where you're trying not to forget something. The last two lines are questionable, but you hit the nail on the head with the third line.

Nightshade wrote:On the day our daughter was born,
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror.
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."

That's where we always differed;
you turned to fate and asked it where it could take you
while I tore my fingernails against the walls
hoping I could make an escape
from the crush of circumstance.

The second stanza (of the two that I quoted) is probably my favorite in the entire poem. The first one sets it up fairly well, and you definitely hit home with the battle you set between fate and free will. Love.

Nightshade wrote:I can't decide whether the isolation shattered my spirit
or just let it in on some long-lost secret,
but my hands are bloodied and my legs are tired.
So now I think it's time that I concede myself
to a well-earned defeat;

I'll roll over to pull that green line tight
and whisper my answer to those little programmed birds:
"Memories of true love
held to a sick man's chest
will warm him through the night."

1) moving backwards, I suggest changing the fourth line so that you're not beginning your sentence with "so." That's always been a weak sentence starter in creative writing's case, and it still is now. Third line is good, seems to be refering to you tearing at the walls again (once again, love). Now, I like the first two lines. The trying to decide whether the isolation shattered you or just exposed you to the truth is awesome. The only problem is the wording of the lines themselves... not very smooth.

2) I was slightly confused to see you say that you'd "pull the green line tight"... given the first couple lines of the poem, I thought you were refering to the cardiograph line, and then after reading the first line of this stanza I thought you were refering to the actual cord that connects it to the wall. Then I realized it could actually be both, which I thought was absolutely genius. I wasn't too bothered by the ending, though if you feel it could be stronger after reading reviews from others who may say it needs to have a better sense of conclusion, then make it so. Either way, though, this poem is amazing.

Overall, I enjoyed this a lot. One thing I'd like to point out is that not only is the transition between stanzas quite abrupt, but the way you break your lines is a little rough as well. I think it's because I found your line breaks and enjambments to be really predictable after a while, which led to me reading the poem one line at a time without that flow that readers look for. Other than that, though, I love your style. Now that you have the entire series complete, I'm excited to read it all over again once you have everything edited and polished. Good luck with finishing it all up! PM me if there's something I explained that you don't really understand (I'm a little less coherent than usual, these days -_-). Anyway. Thanks for the great read.

-Ear

Wow. This poem was simply beautiful. i could definetly feel your passion and emotion in this piece. This is raw.

That crumpled green line offers false hope, This is a good opening. It really hooks the reader and offers a tone that is set for the whole poem.
and all these digital birds chirping
could never convince me
that my days won't soon be a faded memory,
brushed white with nostalgia and time.Impressive.

In your absence,
each year has been another plunge
into icewater caverns,These 3 lines were a beautiful metaphor. I love how your capture that sense of hopelessness.
searching for anything that could possibly illuminate
why I don't miss your body beside me...Again, beautiful. THis line honestly made me tear up. Very easy to relate to.

Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.So passionate. I love how these three lines show pain. Kind of demented but sweet at the same time.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
but it cannot be today.

On the day our daughter was born,
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror.
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."Wow. That's sad.

That's where we always differed;
you turned to fate and asked it where it could take you
while I tore my fingernails against the walls
hoping I could make an escape
from the crush of circumstance.BRILLIANT. I LOVE this stanza. I love how easy it is to relate to and your metaphor.

I can't decide whether the isolation shattered my spirit
or just let it in on some long-lost secret,
but my hands are bloodied and my legs are tired.
So now I think it's time that I concede myself
to a well-earned defeat;Again very demented, but it has a lost and innocent tone as well.

I'll roll over to pull that green line tight
and whisper my answer to those little programmed birds:
"Memories of true love
held to a sick man's chest
will warm him through the night."Beautiful.

You are an excellent writer. Sorry if that was a little repetative but I loved that poem. Please write more and I'll be sure to check out your other pieces.

Oh, you.

First of all, I have to rave about how incredibly consistent your narrator's voice has been throughout. It's the same dude--and it always sounds like the same dude! It's glorious. Your word choice is glorious, this series was glorious, 'brushed white with nostalgia and time' is glorious...

Your first stanza is good; the very first line is a little confusing, because I don't often associate crumpling with hope, but after reading it a few times I think it makes a lot of sense to where your narrator's mindset is at that point. I'm not a big of a fan of the second stanza. It brings up too many questions, most of them circling down to my Opinion (which you will find at the end) but the obvious one being: If he's plunging into icewater caverns since she's gone, doesn't that mean he misses her? But more on that later.

I think the third stanza is beautiful, especially 'caged in my softening skull', but it jars with your final thoughts. If he ends up welcoming well-earned defeat and pulling green lines flat, isn't he done struggling? I think it might help to change the tense: Every moment was a desperate struggling to keep [everything] caged in my softening skull. That indicates that the fight is over, that he's given up to the inevitable tug. Then you could change the last lines: Someday such things would be forgotten, and today seems like it. (Oh, shut up. You get the gist, anyway.) That's obviously just an opinion, but I think it makes for a more consistent story.

Next two stanzas: beautiful. If you touch them you will die. (Though I was slightly curious as to why he was afraid of his daughter, but part of the beauty in this is filling in the gaps of his life--how did he get to this point? What happened to her? Where's his daughter now? It's all quite exciting.)

And then we come to the last stanzas. I love the image of bloody hands and tired legs, but I think you start twisting circles around yourself again. If he's remembering true love, why is he so sad and broken and desparing throughout the rest of the poem? Or, if he's just realizing what he had and how beautiful it was, why is he being defeated? I don't think it's bad that his spirit is shattered; if his true love left him, then okay, I get why he's beat up and remembering love and welcoming death. But if she's dead too, then shouldn't he be happy because she's waiting on the other side? I don't mind you being obscure about what happened to her except when it starts to make me doubt his behavior. If he doesn't miss her body next to him because she left him--perhaps this brings us all the way back to Love I--then I almost wish you'd throw us a bone there, let us know what she's up to or where she went, so we can really get into this guy's tortured state of mind. I lost you, I lost you...something like that.

I agree with Lumi--those were some pretty depressing memories, and this is a pretty depressing grey-tinged poem, which is beautiful-beautiful-beautiful but is a very different tone than from how you started, wanting to do anything, possible or impossible, to regain love. So you might want to consider that. Plus, the title is Illumination. What's really being illuminated? The fact he doesn't love her anymore, or the inescapable truth that he does?

I know that review doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's hard looking at this poem on its own without reading the series again, and I just reallyreally wanted them to live happily ever after because there was so much ANGST in their life! It was so sad! And your writing is so beautiful, and real, and marvelous, and my goodness I could just go on and on but that can't be good for your ego. "Tore my fingernails against walls." Ridiculous. You amaze me. Gorgeous job, and I am very excited for what you come up with next! (Hopefully comedic.)

Thanks for sharing!

Jealousy is seeping from my pores. First of all, great job. Now, the review (not that I actually have that much to say).

That crumpled green line offers false hope,

So, this opening line led straight into a world of images. There are a lot of connotations wrapped up in this imagery, and I feel like it's too blunt to open up with. I would consider easing into the setting a little bit more. This really almost rushed into the scene, and I feel like if you were to set the tone before that, it would make the beginning stronger as a whole. I would also be wary of using vocabulary that is often associated with hospital set poetry, such as "false hope", and "green line". Otherwise, superb first stanza. I love your descriptions, and originality of some of your lines. Excellent

In your absence,
each year has been another plunge
into icewater caverns,
searching for anything that could possibly illuminate
why I don't miss your body beside me...

So, this part was kind of awkwardly phrased-- I think that you could probably restructure some stuff if you take a quick look at it again. The "each year" makes the time lapse extremely vague; how long is he in the hospital for? I love the imagery of icewater caverns, and the word "illuminate" is absolutely wonderful to me. However, I think that the last two lines could be more emotionally powerful and engaging-- I had to read it twice in order to fully grasp it and realize all the potential it held.

Every moment is a desperate struggle
to keep each tear-soaked midnight talk and hidden smile
caged in my softening skull.
Someday such things will be forgotten,
but it cannot be today.

Love the second line-- what ailment is the third line referring to? I would consider elaborating a little bit.
Also, the last two lines seem to either reference a memory loss condition or a long time lapse. I got the feeling earlier that it was a short stay in the hospital and that he was dying, meaning that he wouldn't have time to forget unless it was part of his disease. Personally, I've dealt with a head injury and memory loss, and after a while you accept that you can't remember things, no matter how cemented they may feel in your mind after a while. Once it gets to that point, you kind of just learn how to appreciate each moment as it is, and accept the fact that you may not remember it, and it can still be lovely.

On the day our daughter was born,
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror. Maaajor nitpick: I think "as" would be better here rather than "while"
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."

Love the fragile moment here. Maybe make a quick mention to her exhaustion? I kept on picturing her standing up next to him because she "whispered" to him, but she would actually still be in the hospital bed. I'd make some mention to that. Might just be me though.
The repeat scene in the hospital felt a bit odd to me for two reasons: I couldn't really tell how they were connected really. This stanza seemed to build their relationship up more, but that was established in the other poems (other than the daughter, I think), but for this poem, I wasn't sure about it. Also, switching from one hospital scene to another taking place at another time feels a bit weird.

That's where we always differed;
you turned to fate and asked it where it could take you
while I tore my fingernails against the walls
hoping I could make an escape
from the crush of circumstance.

The last line feels awkward to me; I keep on expecting a snippet of alliteration, only to have it snatched away when I speak it aloud. Other than that though, incredible job. I love the imagery and the contrast. Excellent.

I can't decide whether the isolation shattered my spirit
or just let it in on some long-lost secret,
but my hands are bloodied and my legs are tired.
So now I think it's time that I concede myself
to a well-earned defeat;

Great vocabulary in here, but this stanza didn't really add a lot for me. I'm not quite sure, but I couldn't engage in this one.

I'll roll over to pull that green line tight
and whisper my answer to those little programmed birds:
"Memories of true love
held to a sick man's chest
will warm him through the night."

Again, I'm not sure about the phrase "green line" as I think it's used too much. As well as the world "tight". But, the ending of this is absolutely beautiful, really fantastic. It felt natural, but really blew me away.

Sorry-- my review kind of tapered off towards the end, but... I'm falling asleep.
Great job, overall. I think that with some work, this could be my favorite from this series. Excellent piece.


-Coral-

Overall, this was great. The MC's feelings were really developed, and the length of the poem is perfect.
However, I really don't like how it starts. I wasn't hooked until,

On the day our daughter was born,
you cried in joy
while I cried in terror.
You turned and whispered to me,
"Some things are just meant to be."

That's what got me. Maybe if you switched around the order of the stanzas, it woudl flow better. Otherwise, I agree with much of what has been said before me. Keep writing!
-Alex

I loved this poem all the way through, from beginning to end without a moment of wavering. I loved the voice of the narrator and the idea of love that is in this series of poems seems unlike many people's opinion of love. I read the entire series and I loved each one in their own way, great job on not making each poem the same as the other the difference in the reading but with the same narrator is amazing! Here's my favorite stanza:

That's where we always differed;
you turned to fate and asked it where it could take you
while I tore my fingernails against the walls
hoping I could make an escape
from the crush of circumstance.

I loved this stanza it was beautifully worded and flowed really well, thanks for posting!
Peace,
Snickerdooly