Solitude and Smiles

We danced
round and round the statues,
smiling in their never-ending joy;
I wished that I could be like them,
holding hands and embracing the world,
stationary and solid
and intent on surviving the world.
I wanted to live longer than the soil
under my feet,
to breathe in the skies as they crumbled to the
dirt that turned to dust
and evaporated back up into an embrace with nothing;
I can only imagine what
nothingness would be like,
what the world would leave behind
once it made its grand exit.

I thought it’d be beautiful,
that the sunsets would glow
into my eyes,
unimpeded by silly things
like tropospheres and light pollution.
How would the stars shine,
left to their own devices
to dance without our rules
imposed on their being stationary?
Raw and real, that’s how I wanted reality
once everything was gone.
In fact,
I wanted to live longer than those
stone statues- they didn’t look as dedicated
to the cause as I felt.
I wanted to be here forever.

But then, I looked at you
and felt your hand in mine again,
and thought that perhaps
being forever and alone,
existing when no one else did,
wouldn’t be as nice as it first seemed.
Handholding and smiles
were pretty nice too.




Okay- so I know this needs work. A whooooole lot of work. Especially towards the end- the last stanza seems really weak to me, and I want to fix it, but I don't know how. Any suggestions for someone who is too subjective? Title suggestions would be welcome as well. c:

Thanks for reading!

Hey Perseph! This is a wonderful poem and I don't have very much negative things to say about it. (Read my other reviews... that's saying ALOT )

Anyway, if anything, you have a lot of ideas in this poem. Somehow you've managed to stick a whole lot of them together in one ENORMOUS stanza. Then, all of the sudden you pop out a little baby stanza. What I'm getting at is simply this. Your ideas run together. Think of that juice that's in canned peas intermingling with your salad and your salad spilling into your pasta. You have tons of great ideas but they are squashed together in a small amount of space. What you need to do is expand. It's okay to have more than 2 stanzas in a poem, people do it all the time. For good reason too.

I understand the drive for making a poem with a huge stanza, but when you have so many great ideas, it's a shame to hide them in a big block of words. Give your words room to breathe and your poem should read easier and flow better.

That all. I think you have great word choice and you create such a beautiful place with them. When I read your words I want to be in the place they create....

Great job, keep it up too because I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

Forever Threnody

Wow. I've seen a lot of great poetry on here, but this is the first time I've actually envied another writer's abilities. Your use of words is incredible and you have an incredibly unique style. This ranks among my favorite poems of all time.
That said, I don't want to be entirely unhelpful so I'll give you a few suggestions
Lines 5 and 7 both end with "world". Try finding another way of saying it so that you don't repeat in lines that are so close together.
I didn't particularly like the "In fact," in the second stanza. It seemed an odd break in style to me. I also appreciated that the break in style signified a break in thought though, so I can see arguments for keeping or getting rid of it.
I felt that the last stanza was by far the weakest part also. It seemed rushed and had none of the beautiful language of the preceding language. I think your poem would be well off if it was removed entirely, but that would change the meaning of the entire piece. So if you'd like to retain the same meaning, I'd suggest spending some time on it and trying to write it with the same graceful style as the previous stanzas.
Really amazing work. I'm saving this.