My Bed

I'm out and it’s late and I'm tired, as I fall asleep on my car I think
I wish I were in my bed, my head on the soft pillows, my body warm under the sheets, my soul safe from all my fears, my tiered eyes closing to the soft sounds of the outside night and the good feeling I’m falling asleep to know there’s another day on its way.

I wake up in the garage of my home, I walk towards the back door half awake not fully aware of anything around me, when I get into my house i say to mum good night and go straight to bed, I don’t change I just fall asleep

The next day I'm refreshed and ready of another wonderful day, and its all thanks to my bed.

Hihihi it's a little funny topic you know . However you do have some mistakes:

1.im tiered----> tired
2.I wish I was in my bed----> I wish I WERE, that is because you are not in bed, so it is a wish (If condition). Thus we use the verb were.
3.out side----> outside, is a one word
4.strait----> straight, I believe is the word you are looking for.
5. im----> I'm
6.ready or----> ready for
7.wonderful day and its----> day, and it's

I can see you appreciate your bed dearly hihihihi.

Well I really like the idea behind this, but it isn't in poetry format. O.K. if there is this new age idea that a poem should be whatever way it wants to I am sorry, but I really think that this poem should be put into shorter lines. Maybe like this:

CaptianRandom wrote:I'm out andShould just be comma it’s late, and I'm tired, The way I have formatted this now this could be a period.
as I fall asleep on my car I think
I wish I was in my bed,
my head on the soft pillows,
my body warm under the sheets,
my soul safe from all my fears,
my tired eyes closing to the soft sounds of the out side night
and the good feeling I’m falling asleep to
knowing there’s another day on its way. These three lines confused me. Are you talking about what you want it to be like 'in your bed' or are you talking about your present situation. If you are talking about the later you should have a period after "fears" instead of a comma and make "my" have a capitalized 'm'. This way we will know you are going to a different thought.

I wake up in the garage of my home, This also confused me. How did he get to the garage? Before you said he fell asleep on his car. This made me think of the hood. Is he inside his car? Did he get home, but not have enough energy to get up? I am also wondering what time it is.
I walk towards the back door half awake
not fully aware of anything around me,
when I get into my house I say to mum
good night, and go strait to bed,
I don’t change I I would take this out and add a comma for rhythms sake. just fall asleep

The next day I'm refreshed
and ready or another wonderful day.
and I don't like how you start this line with 'and'. Because you just started a line with the same word. its all thanks to my bed.

Overall this poem has a good concept. I haven't read a poem like it before, but you need to edit and revise it a lot. I tried to help you get this into a more poemish format, but it still sounds like a bunch of broken up sentences in some places. You need to work on your rhythm. I suggest rereading the poem and rephrase anything that catches your attention because it sounds like it would fit better in a paragraph than a poem. I am really sorry If you think I am just pushing my style on you.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Hello there, CaptianRandom!

Let me begin by urging you to take the time and visit forums to help your knowledge in poetry structure & basic style (also grammar/punctuation, too!). Two forums on YWS that can come in handy for you are a) The Poetry Discussion and Tips forum (forum73.html) and b) the Poetry Tutorials forum (forum152.html).

This poem was a challenge to review, mainly because of the unstructured style you had it in. Most poems are written in stanzas, while this was some odd cross between a paragraph and a stanza. I think that instead of experimenting with some new style, try and just use stanzas, because the way you have this written now is utterly confusing.

Now, let me remind you that most writing programs (Microsoft Office Word) and most internet browsers (IE8, Firefox, Chrome) have spell-check options. I suggest that the next time you post a work, you take the time to spell-check it first. It really helps the reviewers out, and makes your poem that much more enjoyable. Just for future reference, tiered should be tired; out side should be just outside. Also, strait should be straight.

Also, I would like to point out that you need to watch your apostrophes and capitalization. For example, I noticed that a few times in your poem you forgot to put an apostrophe between the I and m in the contraction 'I'm.' That is very basic, and adding a tiny little apostrophe isn't much of a hassle. Also, just remember when to use 'its' and when to use 'it's.' 'It's' is a contraction meaning it is, so just remember that. I saw a few misuses of that in your poem.

Another thing I noticed is your excessive use of the word 'and' - for example: I'm out and it's late and I'm tired. That just doesn't sound right to me. Think about it; when you are done writing a poem or story, read it aloud. You can read it to your wall, to your parents, or some friends. Just read it! When reading a poem aloud, you will notice mistakes that you might have otherwise not noticed, and it also is a good way to see if your poem has a good rhythm and flow.

Overall, I think this was a poorly written "poem" that can use some definite editing. It was a hassle to read, and lacked rhythm and flow (all good things a poem should have). I suggest taking a look at the Poetry forums, looking at some famous poet's works, and trying to mold your poem into a more understandable structure. Right now, it's just plain confusing.

I hope this helps. Questions/comments? Message me.

Cheers,
Mizzle

The one part that I really liked was "eyes closing to the soft sounds". I like it when people mix sensory images like that.

Hello CaptianRandom,


There is not a great deal to review because all the others have taken everything to say and I do agree with them...

I did not mind this poem but it felt it was a bit rushed. Please do not post something just for the sake of it. Do not rush any piece of writing just because you are eager to post it. If you do the reviewers can tell, because your work will seem rushed. Take your time with writing and PLEASE edit and correct EVERYTHING before you post it because uncorrected work seems to be becoming a common theme amongst your work...

However I also think you work is very imaginative and creative.


Thanks, and please edit your work
watchmeburn

First off, many of the things I would say have already been said. You have some very helpful reviews on this piece already. Take their advice
You do a good job of telling a story, but you need to focus what you're saying and try to present it in a more poetic way. There are countless tools a writer can use to make their pieces more effective, and the more you take advantage of them, the better your writing will be. Try using some imagery, emotion, varied language, and metaphor in your works. It will make them much more interesting and much more powerful.