My Heart

Well....this is an...interesting welcome post.

Hi.

Review you Newb!
Once again, FLOW!!!! Focus on it!
More once you review. If you do good I may adopt you.

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I'm not sure what I took that's yours, or whatever you wanted to share with me. I'm sorry if I ripped your heart, do you want a new one? I don't expect anything more. I'm not sure if we ONCE were in love. Am I amnesiac or something? I'm kind of scared now. What are you talking about? What's with the creepy red text?

Your worried maybe lover? not sure,
Aet.

Hi Hayley,
I'm giving you a proper critique because no one ever has. I like your poem, but think it needs a bit of work... it is very simple and sweet which works well but I think it is a bit over-simplified. My favourite line is 'my heart that would soar with a touch'. It is not a cliched line, but it is still sentimental, in a positive way. My impression of the poem is that it is the story of someone who has been heartbroken, and is simply left with a memory. I think that some of the words in your poem are not particularly illustrative, or emotive, and that you are obviously very good at writing poetry and if you did a second draft you could think of better ones. I'll give you some examples below, you don't have to take them, it's just an idea. My comments or suggestions are in bold next to your lines. Also I think it would be good if your poem was cut in two, one half could be the first few lines about the love, the next half could be the heartbreak

hayley10019 wrote:You took what was mine How could you take what was mine?
What I so ever wanted to share with you I forever wanted to share with you
My heart that would soar with a touch
With a smile, with a kiss, with a hug With a smile, with a kiss, with a breath
You took it from me, and gave it back torn You took that from me, and tore it
And you expect something more? What more could I have given you?
What could I give, when you took what was mine
No kiss could last forever, no hug could be mine No kiss could last forever, in your heart
You took away the feeling
You took away the love And left me with a hole
And now all I remember was that we ONCE were in love And the memory that once we had been in love

I like this poem. I dont know if you wrote this from a personal experience, but it's short and sweet and get's to the point. It's not one of those poems about broken hearts and lost lovers that take 3 whole pages just to say "You broke my heart". No, your's isnt like that at all, you start off with "You took what was mine", I like that. I also like how you wrote the whole poem in red, its very nice and adds a nice touch to the short poem you wrote, it's nice.

Haha thanks everyone!
Lover? Huhhh.
Oh and to the editing person...: Thank you! I do enjoy writing poems and I'm very enthusastic that someone that doesn't know me notices I like it! Haha, thanks for the ideas. I like them all! (: