The start

You looked across the room
Where I stood with a friend that you knew
You walked over and talked for a while
As I laughed in harmony with you
A connection was made, but I knew you had a girl in your heart
You could never give her up without something worth while
We talked for a long time, and maybe to long
But we could never give up the smiles, and the songs
Until this one day, you said you'd given up
That girl wasn't what you thought and she wasn't enough
To make you smile and make you laugh
All threw these days, I was here, even though I had a fear that you had forgot the love I told you of
But alas, you realized what was infront of you
And now our love is true
Because you realized that when you said you liked me
It was more than a like
And a start of you and I

Hey there, Hayley, and welcome to YWS!

I'm just going to do a quick run-through of this piece, but if you'd like a more in-depth review, then feel free to PM me and I'll get right on it!

Now, I have some general suggestions that will make any reader appreciate your work more.

1. Break your poem into stanzas. Reading a wall of text is daunting to most readers, and you really don't want to turn off a potential fan or someone whom you may touch with your writing simply because the formatting was awkward. You can do this however you see fit, of course, though I can give you a suggestion. Click on the (Show) button below to see it:

Spoiler

You looked across the room
Where I stood with a friend that you knew
You walked over and talked for a while

As I laughed in harmony with you
A connection was made, but I knew you had a girl in your heart
You could never give her up without something worth while

We talked for a long time, and maybe to long
But we could never give up the smiles, and the songs
Until this one day, you said you'd given up

That girl wasn't what you thought and she wasn't enough
To make you smile and make you laugh
All threw these days, I was here, even though I had a

fear that you had forgot the love I told you of
But alas, you realized what was infront of you
And now our love is true

Because you realized that when you said you liked me
It was more than a like
And a start of you and I

Now, breaking it up into stanzas won't quite take the cake for many readers. I beg you to use consistency on punctuation. I'll go ahead and admit that it's a personal pet peeve of mine to read a poem with no punctuation and improper capitalization. It displays a lack of mastery to me, but again, it's a personal thing.

Now, as far as content goes, this is easy to read and very much in the style of Lyric Poetry. It expresses this feeling of love, regret, and then love once more. It's smooth and easy on the heart; it doesn't do anything for me, though. And that's an issue.

I want to feel something out of this. Cutesie emotions aren't enough for me, and I want to care about this girl's relationship. I do. So make me care.

PM me if you have any questions or if you want that in-depth critique.

-Lumiface

I don't do nitpicks. Ask someone else.

I like the way the poem wasn't about a love gone sour. I like how simple it was.
Now. You need to work on flow. FLOW FLOW FLOW!!! I cannot stress enough FLOW! Flow is what separates poetry from script. You have a "diamond on the rough" flow coming on, but give it a go-over with the ol' sandblaster and maybe you will have something. When you read your poetry out loud you should sound like your singing. It should literally be music.

Also, it needs a better name.