F*** YOU APATHY

FUCK YOU APATHY

Fuck you, television watcher
Isolation, the-world-doesn't-touch-you-liar.
Artificial adult,
hugging America, Western Civilization,
hell, soon a pension,
knowing that danger
is
going to college,
your first kiss
your first fight, your
empty fucks.

Never mind the present
never mind the past,
nevermind the future 'cuz
you don't believe in it.

(If someone ever classifies my poetry, I will
strangle him with my bare hands,
her for political correctness.
And I dare not say what I'll do
if it is printed
with any dipshit's pictures.
with colors,
With the living arts.
Poetry is dead, so
it should be ugly
or it shouldn't matter.
)

I want to look at you without
being afraid that I'll offend you.

Fuck you, captive audience.

my
my blood is poured
out of love
into nothingness...

the irony
of never saying anything that you mean
is that you forget
that it's possible to say anything, well
I'm high, so to translate to you the point,
there's nothing that anyone could say
anyway (

lone
liness)

the only thing I've learned to do
is to scream
eloquently.

II

One day, I bled in the shower
as I shaved my chest, as I
kissed insanity, genius, trigger-happy pain.

Long story short,
I say unto you
the hiding majority,
that poetry died
when you all became fuck-ups.

So permeated with American thought...

F*** you.

Yes it is official Psylynx has gone crazy.

Out of all the vulgar language there is, I think the F word is the most lousy way of expressing yourself, and like Qi's poem (well, this isn't as near as bad) I have to say, it was entirely distracting. It was like using the word "cool" or the common internet term "lol" over and over again. Quite, frustrating, right?

Okay, look - I don't know that you want this critiqued. It seems a lot of people on this forum just like parading their "skill," so don't rip me a new one, okay? I critique genuinely because I see room for improvement. It's up to you to take it or leave it.

hell, soon a pension,
knowing that danger
is
going to college,
your first kiss
your first fight, your
empty fucks.

Your first line doesn't make sense; are you missing a word?
Empty f***s? First-hand experience? College can seem like one mass orgy of drunken fools, can't it?

Never mind the present
never mind the past,
nevermind the future 'cuz
you don't believe in it.

Then what is there to believe in? I pledge allegiance to American Idol...

(If someone ever classifies my poetry, I will
strangle him with my bare hands,
her for political correctness.

First of all, why is this in parentheses? This seems like unnecessary half- a** stylistic attempts. Also, this intimidates the reader (well, the entire poem does), but if people can't criticize your poetry, there is no free thought - isn't that a trait of the society you are so critical off, a lack of democratic disagreement and expressive thought?

Poetry is dead, so
it should be ugly
or it shouldn't matter.
)

Get rid of the parentheses, your enjambement is annoying. However, this line stood out to me - why is poetry dead? Why should it be ugly?

I want to look at you without
being afraid that I'll offend you.

Welcome to life. Get used to walking on eggshells. You'll build calluses eventually.

Fuck you, captive audience.

If the majority of your readers haven't already stopped reading because of sloppy style and mediocre content, the rest are moving on right about now...

my
my blood is poured
out of love
into nothingness...

But I kept going because of this line, because this seems so true sometimes. Despite all that you do, the world throws it back in your face.

the irony
of never saying anything that you mean
is that you forget
that it's possible to say anything, well

Very nice. Your enjambement, again, leaves much to be desired.

I'm high, so to translate to you the point,
there's nothing that anyone could say
anyway (

lone
liness)

Yes, we know you're lonely, blah blah blah, cut this part - it's crap and largely unnecessary.

the only thing I've learned to do
is to scream
eloquently.

For all your ranting about poetry is dead and that is should be ugly - well, you've created a thing of beauty here, sir. This is brilliant.

II

This poem never really had a pattern, rhythm, method to it anyway; why split it up now?

One day, I bled in the shower
as I shaved my chest, as I
kissed insanity, genius, trigger-happy pain.

Sick, but effective. I like the last line best.

Long story short,
I say unto you
the hiding majority,
that poetry died
when you all became fuck-ups.

*Bangs head on desk* And then you go and ruin it...
----------
My main comment to you here is this: your poetry can be a powerful force at certain moments, but by plastering your poetry all over the forums, it is making something that has the potential to have incredible shock value normal and mediocre. Focus more on one amazing poem than ten craptastic ones. Put your better parts together: EDIT. I know this is harsh. With each poem you post that has a similar theme, its value is lessened. Each one I see, I'm want to say: would you stop being an emo-kid, move on, and realize that you have a pretty damn nice life compared to about 98% of the rest of the world? Focus your delivery and tighten these poems up. It's great that you're rebellious, but damnit, make it proud.

The great T.S. Eliot's poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" has a moment of rebellion:

To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—

It is only two lines, yet rebellious and spiteful.

Anyway, I hope this helped... somehow. And I enjoy just one a**hole, thanks.

Best part:

lone
liness

(Even the "lone" is isolated form "liness")
I think Cicero has thoroughly critiqued this but, I will say, as a reader I felt intimidated. And I doubt readers like to feel intimidated. I know I don't..I also felt the caps and swearing was unnecessary and didn't do the poem justice, depsite the fact you had some nice little bits in there I liked.

lone
liness

is just a cheap imitation of e.e. cumming's

l
(o
ne

lin
es

s)

Imitation is the highest form of flattery and it is how we learn to develop our own styles. It would be a lie for any of us to claim that we haven't dabbled in other author's styles and ideas. Plagerism, on the other hand, should be a felony.

That's an opinion, and one that, regardless of whether it has any validity, has little to no relevance to the point I made. As a second counter, he wasn't imitating e.e. cumming's style.

it would be an imitation if I had read any of his stuff, which I hadn't. So, Incandescence, you pompous slob, you were, yet again, WRONG. More than one person can do the same thing without one having copied the other, and you shouldn't accuse everyone of copying everyone else because it's aggravating.

I also think that it's hilarious that Cicero hated it and then went to the trouble to point out every single part of it that he didn't like.

Psy - first of all, you're right, I did point out just about everything I didn't like. But I also pointed out the things I did like, as well as stylistic and grammatical errors. Also - I hope you will take my suggestion about your proliferation of poems and their lessening affect.

Sorry - double post

Of course, if more than one person does the same thing without coming into contact with the Other, then the incident loses its originality. Either way, I wasn't saying you copied it; only that it was a cheap imitation.