Darkness

Hey there,
Great poem I like the whole dark theme going on here.. No complaints from me!

Keep up the great work

@Fatimah: Thanks!

No problem ^>^

Flower here and I will be your reviewer for the evening!

,
An absence of light, they might call. I don't know why you put a period here. If you were to put a period here you would need darkness behind it. At least that is my opinion.
Darkness, dark, blackness and whatsoever, Darkness and dark are the same thing, if makes this line seem repetitive.
Still it is darkness, no care, no hope. Hm I like the darkness, but this line is true just the same.

A heart of stone, You went from darkness to your heart, why the transistion?
A heart of space. What is a heart of space?
Might be preferred,
Than a heart full of thorns. That would be preferable.

Still I believe,
That my heart of darkness will be illuminated Now I see.
When the right light of mine comes along
Shines through me, brings warmth and brings love.[/b][/center][/quote] This seems to be an awkward ending.

Ok. Now that that is out of the way. I liked this, it seems a bit jumpy though. I also think that you need some more background behind it. Like what would be the light that would bring you out of the darkness. Also why is your heart so dark? Things like this need to be answered.

Other than that I liked this, it is very nice and simple.

Flower

@Flower~Child: Yah! you're right, that I need to put more background about my poem but I will just leave it like that. Thanks!! I will have it edited!

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Hi, kogarasumaro143. Here is your review as promised.

Darkness is only a vivid illusion,

Nice way to begin the poem! It was interesting, and made me want to read on so good job with that.

Darkness is only a vivid illusion,
An absence of light, they might call.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm not sure this line goes with the first line. On the other hand, it sounds pretty cool.

Darkness, dark, blackness and whatsoever,
Still it is darkness, no care, no hope.

I agree with Flower~Child that these two lines are a bit repetitive, and that darkness is the same as dark. Also, I'm not really sure if you need the first part of the last line; it just dosen't seem to match the first. Maybe you could change it to something else.

A heart of stone,
A heart of space.

What is a heart of space? Could you clarify?

Still I believe,
That my heart of darkness will be illuminated

This is probably my favorite part of the poem. I like how you convey your theme and emotions strongly through this part.

When the right light of mine comes along
Shines through me, brings warmth and brings love.

I'm not sure if this is the best way to end the poem; I think it's just the way you worded it. I think it the last line would be better if you would reword it to something like this: It'll shine through me, bringing warmth and love.

Overall: I liked this poem. It's unique. I like how you described the darkness inside you, but you jumped from describing what darkness is to the darkness in your heart. I would suggest mention the darkness in your heart in the first stanza, that way when you describe it in the second stanza,so it isn't so abrupt. Also, I think you could do a better job at describing the light that could change your heart in the third stanza. And I feel like you could convey your emotions and the theme stronger. Lastly, I think the flow could use a little work. It seemed a rushed. If you fix these things, I believe your poem will truly shine. Send me a P.M. if you need anything. Good luck with your writing~bluewaterlily.

@Flower~Child and bluewaterlily: "heart of space" is also the same if we say "heart of emptiness"

Hey,

A dark poem. I liked it. I understood it all. It was effective.

Well done.

~Retro Disco

nice one!!!

“Darkness is only a vivid illusion,
An absence of light, they might call.
Darkness, dark, blackness and whatsoever,
Still it is darkness, no care, no hope.”

You shouldn’t have a full stop after call, it doesn’t make any sense, and breaks up the flow of the poem. “Whatsoever” makes it seem like you couldn’t think of another word to mean darkness, and feels like your heart wasn’t really in it, and we need you to connect to the poem for us to have a chance. Also, dark is an absence of light, it’s not something that one might say, it’s a fact, you can’t dispute it.

Apart from that, the repetition doesn’t bother me too much because it feels intentional. But I like the idea that darkness is only an obstacle in your mind that can be overcome, that you present, for me in this paragraph.

“A heart of stone,
A heart of space.
Might be preferred,
Than a heart full of thorns.”

I know you’ve said a heart of space is to do with emptiness, but that’s not what it makes me think of, for me it doesn’t work, but I’m only one person. Also, it’s “might be preferred to” not “than”. I happen to agree that the transition between these two stanzas is bumpy, add a short one between linking it somehow, maybe?

“Still I believe,
That my heart of darkness will be illuminated
When the right light of mine comes along
Shines through me, brings warmth and brings love.”

Again, this is a weird jump, from pessimism to hope. I’m not a big fan of this stanza, I’ll be honest, it feels clichéd to me.

Other than that, it’s a really nice idea, and a good start. I think that this could be really fantastic if you just found a way to link everything a little better. I like the way you haven’t tried to overcomplicate it with flowery language, which is often the ruining of a good poem. It flows well and it’s easy to read, it doesn’t put me off at any point. Hope this helps!

~Roon