Wasted Days

The days are paper-thin.
Gauzy, insubstantial fabric,
slipping from my fingers.
I watch them float away,
twisting about softly as they
climb the skies.

I often wonder where
the days that I’ve lost have gone.
They lay somewhere,
on muddy floor,
wasting away like
individual lives;
decomposing corpses
of people who never truly lived.

They were free
for but a moment.

-Holly

This poem has a lot of good imagery but you should watch out for using the same object for two different things. To describe a day, you used a windy day and although this makes sense when you continue to read it it makes your readers stop and guess if you're actually talking about a day or not. I suggest instead of using Day for what is windy, you can use life, or some other thing which has nothing to do with the ticking of the sun around the world. This will make it flow easier because although we know what a windy day is, we're already redefining the days so it becomes muddled.
Otherwise it's a solid poem and I enjoyed reading it.

Terrifically beautiful poem Holly!

Bittersweet wrote:The days are paper-thin.
Gauzy, insubstantial fabric,
slipping from my fingers
on a windy day.
I watch them float away,
twisting about softly as they
climb the skies.

I must of read the first stanza out loud like five times! I really like the imagery and pace.

I often wonder where
the days that I’ve lost have gone.
They lay somewhere,
on muddy floor,
wasting away like
individual lives;
decomposing corpses
of people who never truly lived.

The imagery is still pretty strong here but the emotions are a bit more expressed with the first two lines. I love the line, "never truly lived." it really incites the reader's thoughts and adds some final theme to the poem.

They were free for but a moment.

Fantastic finnish, once again wraps up the theme and concludes your thoughts.

I have no complaints. For some reason I just loved your poem.

I really should not be saying anything but I liked this I don't know how to write poetry but I thought I would give into reading one. Keep it up.

Oh, this was a sweet poem. Well, sweetly short, that is - the subject matter is rather dark, no? Even so, with the fun imagery and metaphors (which you did well to expand on), you lifted it out of its mundaness of paper-thin days and actually made them interesting; like a boring specimen to inspect with mild curiosity in a lab, simply because the science teacher (i.e. the narrator of the poem) is such a quirky and interesting person, who describes dull things in interesting ways!

I enjoyed the first stanza in its entirety, but the second veered off on a bit of a tangent. The thing is, the poem is already quite short, so trying to cram two metaphors for 'day' seems a bit much for a poor little poem to handle . In the first, you talk about how the day is paper-thin. In the second, you talk about the lost days being corpses. The first stanza's imagery is cute - the second one's is morbid. And overall, the two metaphors are not tightly interwoven to make the poem click overall.

Even so, thanks for the read.

Hey Holly!

I've dropped by to give a rather not so constructive review since I don't really think there's anything wrong with it. The imagery is wonderful, and I can see it, the small story were told. It is a very emotional piece, and even the length is right here.

The days are paper-thin.
Gauzy, insubstantial fabric,

I really like your opening, it draws the reader in. Though, I don't really like that period. I think, that to give it more impact, I'd leave that line without any punctuation, because the period kind of limits it. As if it was open, to views and stuff. I also don't really like the adjective gauzy here. I think it's too... simple, or common maybe? I think something else would work better.

They were free for but a moment.

I think that if you break this line down at the 'for', it would sound much more... sad, maybe? Sound better xD

Anyway, lovely, I truly enjoyed this. The voice, the pace, and I could relate to it so very well.

Keep up the good work!
- Kat <3

Hey Holly!

Thanks for your critique on "Bridges" -- I'm here to return the favor.

So, like Navita, I enjoyed this poem for its brevity and sweetness, though, as she pointed out as well, the subject matter does not necessarily parallel the structure and style. Which was a good choice, I think, and one well executed. The point in the poem where I think you nailed it was the last line -- it had the true emotional and intellectual punch that you were trying to get across.

The days are paper-thin.
Gauzy, insubstantial fabric,
slipping from my fingers.
I watch them float away,
twisting about softly as they
climb the skies.

I liked this, too, but it could have been ten times better. As it stands right now, the word choice and the images are rather run-of-the-mill. You had at least three opportunities to inject a simile or a metaphor, which you know I'm all about, but which would have also added some much needed vitality to the opening stanza. How do they float and climb the skies? What does the fabric really feel like? When describing the fabric, I think you should also be more specific -- is it muslin, cotton, japanese silk? I know it's not actually /fabric/ you're talking about, but the subtle metaphor to what kind of fabric it is would add a dimension of complexity.

I often wonder where
the days that I’ve lost have gone.
They lay somewhere,
on muddy floor,
wasting away like
individual lives;
decomposing corpses
of people who never truly lived.

Meh. Perhaps a little too heavy-handed for me. Your message here is not evenly thinly veiled by poetic technique. You just come right out and say it -- this is a poem about how days are wasted like lives. I would lovelovelove some imagery! I would love some subtlety, so that, on the surface, it's technically stunning, but on the inside churns its gooey, caramel center of meaning and moral.

So. Good job here. I love the pretty simplicity -- it's something that's very hard for me. Now if you could incorporate a little bit more complexity, you'd have a great piece.

-Kylan

I enjoy reading the poem it was beautiful but it ended quickly than i anticipated