Untitled (Collection: A.M. stands for Ante-Meridiem)

When the blackest bile precedes your being
a wicked call comes hence
singing

And the tundra's kiss you will find
beneath each bed unrefined

touches no land among
each her own

with cascades abound
blood and hound

out of all reaches
leech's heart

What have I found!

(Hey guys!
I'm really clueless as to how to punctuate this. Any suggestion on that matter as well as any other critique would be immensely appreciated.)

It seems there has been a mutual problem with interpretation.
I hate to spell it out, but I'll post a bit of an explanation that should help you a bit. And try reading it a few times. It's supposed to be cryptic, but not impenetrable.

Spoiler

The first stanza refers to someone like a bastard child.
The tundra's kiss is just a mark someone who cannot/does not love (you) bears.
The next two stanzas speak of how jealousy, I suppose of a mother/step mother, or the rage of a father would cause them to pursue and kill the child to hide their shame from the rest of the world.
The rest should make more sense. :3

Sura wrote:When the blackest bile precedes your being
a wicked call comes hence
singing

And the tundra's kiss you will find
beneath each bed unrefined

touches no land among
each her own

with cascades abound
blood and hound

out of all reaches
leech's heart

What have I found!

What was written in this spoiler, I no longer agree with. /cough

Spoiler

Sura, promise not to laugh at me. I've always been a fan of poetic spacing in lieu of punctuation. To further that point, notice what you put at the veeeeery last line... An exclaimation point!

That brought so much focus and emphasis to that line for me that it gave the piece very well-done closure.

So what does Lumierre say about punctuating on a site filled with literature buffs and grammar fascists? Leave it out.

Hi Sura! I'm here to review.

Hmm...I'm not quite sure what to make of this. It's very well written, but I'm having trouble deciphering what it's about. That's not any fault of yours, but I'm at a loss for what to say that might help you improve (if you need it). I can, however, help with the punctuation.

When the blackest bile precedes your being
a wicked call comes hence,
singing.

Honestly, that's the only thing I'd change in this whole thing; otherwise, I'd say it's fine just the way it is! Keep up the good work, and I'm sorry for the vague review! :/

If you have any questions or would like another critique, please feel free to ask!

-Knightley

P.S. You are my one hundredth review!

@Lumi-
XD No, no, I understand what you mean. I'm not a huge fan of punctuation myself.
Thank you so much for your time!

@Knightley-
Well thank you! I'm just curious, if you had to make a guess, what would you say it's about?
Ahh, okay! That makes sense. But then, wouldn't it be weird to have eight lines after it without anything and then closing punctuation, or would it be passable?
And congrats! :3

Hey Sura! Kat's here -- as requested.

So, I'd have to unfortunately contradict the first review. Remember this is just an opinion, but I believe that that exclamation point ruins the voice. It might give some emphasis, yes, though the line could stand on its own, but the voice above to the whole poem was something darker. And exclamation point makes it sound rather more... childish in my point of view.

I'm also experiencing the same problem as Tim (Knightley). The poem is very pretty and poetic (word wise), but when it comes down the meaning and message I think it gets a bit lost on the way. I've wrote one of those once, and it was very pretty to read, but there was no message. I actually do think you mean to transmit something with this, but I can't really figure out what. Maybe it's just me =| I think you've discovered some kind of... place? Maybe.

Other than that, I really liked it. Sounded very nice ^_^
Pm me if you have any questions, and feel free to drop by my thread again.
- Kat

Hey Kat!
Thanks for the review!
I actually had very specific intent with the piece as far as a message. And it's very simple. XD

Spoiler

The first stanza refers to someone like a bastard child.
The tundra's kiss is just a mark someone who cannot/does not love (you) bears.
The next two stanzas speak of how jealousy, I suppose of a mother/step mother, or the rage of a father would cause them to pursue and kill the child to hide their shame from the rest of the world.
The rest should make more sense. :3

Hey Sura!

First off, I think this poem is beautifully constructed in terms of prose and structure. You use phrases like, "tundra's kiss," "...cascades abound," and "blood and hound," that are a great piece of imagery. To be completely honest I read your poem twelve times and couldn't quite decipher it. When I clicked the spoiler I saw the meaning behind the abstractions but I cannot seem to find a link between the abstractions and the meaning. The meaning seems to be a bit of a stretch. I don't think one could come up with the significance of the poem just by reading these short abstractions. The meaning of the poem is an excellent topic. Your abstractions are beautifully written as well but it seems "impenetrable" as you put it. Just my opinion though.

PM me if you need anything at all.

Much Love,
Chris

Hey there! Interesting poem you've got here, it sounds almost like a prophetical poem to me in the beginning, the type you might find in fantasy books such as Goodkind's or Jordan's. That's a good feel you've got, however I'd agree with Kat that the ending isn't as strong. Rather than an exclamation mark I'd suggest a question mark. The poem seems dark and the tempo build until then and I can almost see it as a man or woman of ill intent standing over this child and wondering how to use it to their advantage or what to do with it, it's almost like they're disgusted and fascinated by it.

I don't know if that was your intent and it took me some time to understand the poem, I had to read your notes. I'd suggest that's maybe because you express a different view of children born out of wedlock than that which I hold/ would think directly because you're writing from this darker persona. Maybe if you expanded some of your lines more it would become clearer?

Here's a few suggestions:

When the blackest bile precedes your being, [The blackest bile? Do you know much about how a child is conceived, I can ensure you it doesn't involve bile XD It sounds good and fancy but doesn't portray the meaning you want. Perhaps lustfull blood or untempered desire? The second would do the most to suggest that the parents couldn't refrain from sex before marriage but the first is perhaps more poetical.]
a wicked call comes hence
singing [Your flow cuts here, I think it needs another syllable. Perhaps 'a-singing' would work.]

And the tundra's kiss you will find
beneath each bed unrefined [I'd suggest deleting the line that seperates this from the first stanza and ending with a full stop here. Currently your poem feels quite fragmented because it's made up of so many short lines that don't quite connect in places.]

touches no land among [What touched no land? The kiss? The woman who can not love her child? It's ambiguous and leaves me uncertain. I'd suggest you expand this, make it more full and understandable. Being cryptic is good but you need to give your reader more hints and well chosen words. The reader needs the key to the code.]
each her own

with cascades abound
blood and hound [Blood and house. Okay searching the child through scent but your story is only half formed. Perhaps hint at why they seek the child and what are the cascades? Falls? Falls of what: hair or water or something else?]

out of all reaches
leech's heart [Good rhyme here, love the sound of the words you've chosen. The image of a leech is interesting, I'd love to see you expand on that. Which is the leech? The child? In which case maybe go into how the child has sapped all the love from these two and brought them misery with his/ her misfortune, give us more to work on. I'd like you to make the reader feel some stronger emotion, either pity or disgust toward this child or the persona.]

What have I found!

Okay! That's my thoughts then and I hope it gives you something to think on and chew over. You've got some good lines here, you njust need to strike that ballance between being coherent and being cryptic. I hope this might help you a little, pm me if you need any further help and I'll be glad to do what I can Good luck, thanks for the read!

Heather xx

I really like the descriptions in the poem. I found it a little cryptic myself, but good all the same. "And the tundra's kiss you will find beneath each bed unrefined" I really liked this line it was my favorite part of the poem. But please be a little more clear about what the poem is about.

Hi, Sura! Sorry for not getting back to you earlier.

When the blackest bile precedes your being
a wicked call comes hence
singing

I like the opening line. "Precede" is one of my favourite words, haha. "Comes hence singing" sounds a bit smoggy when you say it out loud, there's so much of the S sound. I like it that you have a rhyme here, although it would be even better as a strong rhyme, like being-seeing. Obviously that example doesn't work in this case.

These two are my favourite bits, just because they sound so good:

And the tundra's kiss you will find
beneath each bed unrefined

out of all reaches
leech's heart

This did seem like dragging behind a little, and I think it's mostly because each couplet was its own stanza, basically. The poem overall sounds and looks pretty, but it was quite difficult for me to grasp. It seemed like just a bunch of separate lines with no common purpose. That's why I also had to read the bit in the spoiler, even though at first I didn't want to.

Keep writing! You obviously have potential.


Demeter
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