You Were Hard Work Today

You were hard work today
Pushing me over the edge
I am strong and I can take it
But you can see, easily
That you really do get to me
It’s not like I can fake it.

So I get home from school
And there’s no one at home
And again I’m alone
Two paracetamol, a brandy and lemonade
Music up loud, to drown out the sound
Of the silent numb I feel
Numb and exhausted I begin to fade

Can you make me a bubble?
So I can float away
Alone in my own world
You were hard work today

In the dead of the night
When insomnia finds me
I watch the shapes of moonlight
And shadow. On the ceiling. From my window
I see your face, smiling just like…
Those days. Those days when we laughed
When we laughed and we loved
Now we waver and war
I can’t take anymore

40 paracetamol and a bottle of wine
I’m still feeling fine
The house creaks your name
The wind blows your scent
The blood spills your face
And I know what you meant…

Hey, at least now I understand
But now I feel sick
The panic comes quick
The knife falls from my shaking hand
I’m losing my grip

Can you make me a cloud?
So I can float away
Alone here without you
You pushed too far today

Can you make me a heaven?
What I can be free
Where the past is the present
Where it’s the old you
And me

This seems like one of those poems you hear read aloud at one of those poetry thingies. I was falling asleep until I got here:

"40 paracetamol and a bottle of wine
I’m still feeling fine
The house creaks your name
The wind blows your scent
The blood spills your face
And I know what you meant… "

And I lost interest after the following stanza. I guess the problem is, it's too cliche and the questions in the end were a little cheesy. Perhaps they wouldn't be if they were followed by a series of overrated phrases such as "Alone here with you." *Shudders* Maybe you should ditch those. In my personal opinion, I think you should end the poem with "Can you make me a heaven?" It sounds very sweet, if that was what you were trying to do.

Basically, this poem needs work but it's not as near as bad as it could've been so just edit it and see what you can come up with.

There was a very nice rhythm going for this. The random rhymes everywhere were sort of irritating, but only when they were apparent. The last two stanzas were a bit unsure though... It didn't really flow like the rest of it. There were some cliche phrases, but I think it worked for the poem.

I have to say that I agree with Chevy here. It wasn't terribly boring and awful, but it had me just sitting there, staring at the screen with no real emotions flowing through me. However, I did like your ending...

You were hard work today (I don't think is a very good way to start out the poem; it just makes a statement and doesn't really intrigue me. It had me thinking 'the poem has started' instead of 'ooh, I wonder what she's going to write next!'. I suggest finding a more powerful opening)
Pushing me over the edge (This is a good concept, but I don't like the simplicity of how it is worded)
I am strong and I can take it (Okay, this line just takes all the feeling our of the line before it; it negates your concept above. I think you should say something like it, but what you have here really bugs me. I suggest something like 'I have been strong; I can bear this pain' or something that recognizes the line above, but still gets your idea through)
But you can see, easily
That you really do get to me (I'm not fond of 'that you really get to me' as a line, but it's not too bad)
It’s not like I can fake it. (I really don't like this line. Just the way it's worded bugs me. Maybe something like 'It is not like I can hide this pain from you' or something similar though I don't like the way I worded that either. I suggest changing it, but tis up to you)

So I get home from school
And there’s no one at home
And again I’m alone
Two paracetamol, a brandy and lemonade
Music up loud, to drown out the sound
Of the silent numb I feel
Numb and exhausted I begin to fade

I liked this stanza more than the last one. The only things that bothered me here was the strange rhythm of 'and again I'm alone' and that you repeated 'numb' in the last two lines. I truly think that 'tearful' might be good to replace the second 'numb', but I'm going to leave that up to you... Nice job on this stanza.

Can you make me a bubble?
So I can float away
Alone in my own world
You were hard work today

I like your first three lines a lot... very nice, but as I have mentioned above, I don't like 'you were hard work today'

In the dead of the night (Pretty good though that phrase is used a lot)
When insomnia finds me (This might seem a little weird, but I first misread this as saying 'when (did you mean where?) insomnia finds' without the me and I thought that sounded really good, so I suggest you take out the 'me' there, but it's probably just my weird self)
I watch the shapes of moonlight (I really liked this line.. 'shapes of moonlight' beautiful)
And shadow. On the ceiling. From my window (Okay, I believe that you were saying 'shapes of moonlight and shadow' as one though, right? Okay, I suggest you change these linebreaks a little and say:
I watch the shapes
Of moonlight and shadow
On the ceiling
From my window

That's just what I think, but it is up to you)
I see your face, smiling just like…
Those days. Those days when we laughed
When we laughed and we loved (I suggest you change linebreaks here too to make it more powerful. Perhaps:

I see your face, smiling
Just like those days
Those days when we laughed
Days when we loved

You don't have to do that, but it might sound a little more poetic and add power to the words.)
Now we waver and war (I love this you word 'waver' here... just beautiful... awesome job there)
I can't take anymore (This was okay, but I suggest you just end it with the line above)

40 paracetamol and a bottle of wine
I’m still feeling fine (These first two lines were good, but if you were trying to make rhyme, then the rhythm is a little off)
The house creaks your name
The wind blows your scent
The blood spills your face
And I know what you meant… (I love those last few lines... very creative and powerful. nice)

Hey, at least now I understand (How about 'at least now I understand' I'm not fond of the 'hey')
But now I feel sick (There's a repetition of 'now' here)
The panic comes quick
The knife falls from my shaking hand
I’m losing my grip (Very nice rhyme and rhythm... I like it)

Can you make me a cloud?
So I can float away
Alone here without you
You pushed too far today (Wow, I really loved this stanza. Awesome)

Can you make me a heaven?
What I can be free
Where the past is the present
Where it’s the old you
And me (I love this ending stanza too... very nice and powerful ending.)

All in all, I liked the ending of your poem, but the beginning I didn't. You have some good ideas here and a good start, but it needs some reworking.
Please keep writing...

I don't read and comment on poems very often for the fact I have nothing meritable to really say.
But that was damn well fantastic.
I absolutely loved it, thanks for that.

I have to agree with Chevy, I was falling aleep until the 5th stanza, and then after that it was boring again. The whole, 'make me a bubble so I can float away' was very cliche and added to the boringness (is that a word, I doubt it but, meh, whatever) of it. But the 5th stanza was fantastic, that was the best part by far. And I don't like 'You were hard work today' it makes me think of a mom talking about her child.

Just work out the kinks and it should be a good poem.

And Ricewind, no cursing *tsk tsk*

Thats not even a bad word, for pete's sakes be realistic.

I want to again argue that I do not find this poem boring at all.
And the "you were hard work today", I think, is awesome. I definately do not picture a lecturing mother. I know what its like for a person to be hard work.

My favourite part is:

The house creaks your name
The wind blows your name
The blood spills your face

I love the repetition, and the awkwardness and irregularity of the blood spill face part. Mearvelous.

Wow, there's actually alot of useful critisism. I guess I can edit it and improve it a little, but not too easily, since it means a lot personally.
But thanks.