Flowers in the sun

Ok so I'm making a film at the moment and I need a poem to go over the pictures and video I have. None of mine seemed right so I wrote one for it. This is what I have so far, the ending needs a lot of help!

A yellow flower,
A rising sun,
Morning breaking,
Summer’s begun.

A whisper of wind,
Quick shaft of light,
After the darkness
The day is bright.

A thousand flowers
Twine to the sky,
Their leaves unfurling,
Relentless, they try.

A spectrum of colour,
A forest of green,
The sun-kissed petals,
A dazzling sheen.

Blooming so slowly,
Time seems to crawl.
Twining, uniting,
Their movements enthral.

The sun soon sets,
The brightness gone,
The flowers wait,
Soon comes the dawn.


(By the way the movie is just a sunny day in my garden. Pretty good stuff though)

Hey AquaMarine! ^_^ Evi here. That's a great idea, making a movie with a poem screening over it! And we all love sunny days, so even better!

This is actually a very nice rhyming poem. Generally poems with such a strict rhyming scheme come off stiff and too contrived, but you managed to keep your flow easy and even while not ruining this perfect rhyme! So kudos to that. I only have a couple of suggestions.

A yellow flower,
A rising sun,
Morning breaking,
Summer’s begun.

A whisper of wind,
Quick shaft of light,
After the darkness
The day is bright.

These two stanzas kind of stray from your main idea, especially the second one. The theme of this poem revolves entirely around flowers in the daytime, right? Well, here, it seems you start to focus more on summer and daylight itself, instead of relation to the flowers. Does that make sense? I mean that instead of describing the thorns of the flowers or their vibrant colors, you start out by kind of drifting to the general topic of summer and light. I think you could make this better by focusing on the flowers, and sticking to that.

The sun soon sets,
The brightness gone,
The flowers wait,
Soon comes the dawn.

Here, I'd like to see these two ideas split into separate stanzas. Have four lines about how the light is going away, the sun is setting, the world is put on pause, the flowers wait- and then have that line break, that little hesitation. Then, in the last stanza, you can elaborate on the line about the dawn coming again. Maybe even mention something about how it's all a cycle: dusk, evening, darkness, dawn, sunset, etc. Just make sure to separate these very distinct ideas!

So, all in all, this has some great potential! You have a nice ear for rhyme and rhythm-- if you even have trouble with that, just read your poem aloud and I think that'll help. The main issue here is making sure you either remain entirely on the topic of flowers (since that is your title, after all) or broaden the theme to something more general, like summer/daytime nature. Either way, make that conscious decision and go that way! ^_^

PM me for anything.

~Evi

EDIT: Also, next time, darling, could make sure to hit enter at the end of every sentence in your author's notes at the beginning? Because the poetry forums will take a full paragraph and stretch it all into one long line, which makes the page huuuuge and everything harder to read. Thanks!

Sorry, but could i possibly get a couple more reviews on this - kinda important. X

It's a great poem you have there.
Love it.
Amazing.

*_*

PS: can u review mine too....

Thnxxxx

Hey Amy! This reminds me of the poetry I write on and off, but much better xD. Some of the rhymes feel a little flat, or forced, but overall I think it's pretty good.

A yellow flower,
A rising sun,
Morning breaking,
Summer’s begun.

That line I think is my favorite. And I want to see this movie sometime! .

Hey there! Here to return the review favor. ;P

A yellow flower,
A rising sun,
Morning breaking--
Summer’s begun.

The m-dash makes a bit more sense grammatically than a comma. Also, I think it sounds better without the hissing from the apostrophe s. Since this is a poem, you can get away with a bit of wacky syntax. ;P

A whisper of wind,
A quick shaft of light;
After the darkness,
The new day is bright.

Modified punctuation and added a word to help the lines make a bit more sense/flow better. The nice thing about articles (a, an, the) is that they don't always count as syllables, and you can usually slip one in without disrupting the flow.

A thousand flowers
Twine to the sky,
Their leaves unfurling,
Relentless, they try.

Twine means wrap around. What are the flowers wrapping around? Also, what are they trying to do? I think this stanza could be broken up into two: one talking about the flowers twining, the other about what they are trying for.

A spectrum of colour,
A forest of green--
The sun-kissed petals,
A dazzling sheen.

Blooming so slowly,
Time seems to crawl.
Twining, uniting,
Their movements enthrall.

You've used twining once before already. Also, watch your spelling. :P

The sun soon sets,
The brightness, gone.
The flowers wait--
Soon comes the dawn.

Nice alliteration in the first line. :D

Overall, this was a very good poem. You had a clear structure which you stuck to, the rhyme did not feel forced, and everything flowed well. I suggest in the future that you experiment a bit with punctuation; it adds a nice variety and feel to your poem. :D

Very very cute Amy.

Though I find it quite cliche with the sun-kissed petals and all that it gave me a little sigh of happiness.

The rhyming was done subtly and didn't overpower your words and other devices so top of the at to you. But the problem is that the cliche is not one you can get rid of with turning your poem inside out. So leave it and let a few other people sigh in happiness before they realize, 'lol, cheesy.'

Very nice.

Kamas

Why are you all critiquing a work from July?

Snoink's evil bidding?

Does that mean more to you than practicality and common sense?

Yes, yes it does, Galerius. Obviously.

(Since other people have commented on the literary value of this poem, and I haven't done a nitpick in a while, I'll just nitpick here.)

AquaMarine wrote:Ok so I'm making a film at the moment and i need a poem to go over the pictures and video i have. None of mine seemed right so i wrote one for it. This is what i have so far, the ending needs a lot of help!
i? i!? Aqua, I'm ashamed. xD

A yellow flower,
A rising sun,
Morning breaking,
Summer, begun.

A whisper of wind,
Quick shaft of light,
After the darkness
The day is bright.

A thousand flowers
Twine to the sky,
Their leaves unfurling,
Relentless, they try.
Try? Try to do what? The rhyme scheme doesn't make it feel forced in almost all of this poem, for which I applaud you, but here it does. Try something else, I think.

A spectrum of colour,
A forest of green,
The sun-kissed petals,
With a OR Such a dazzling sheen.

Blooming so slowly,
Time seems to crawl.
Twining, Reused word. It's not terrible or anything, but you should try to find something else. uniting,
Their movements enthrall.

The sun soon sets,
The brightness gone,
The flowers wait,
Soon comes the dawn.

Nice! I like this ending, an end to the events and a kind of a revelation that it is a cycle and shall happen again and again.

I know about the uncapitalised I. In July I was a different person. *sob*

The story in the poem is very good and there is not much to say for a critique.

I'll just quote some lines I liked:

The sun soon sets,

The brightness gone,

The flowers wait,

Soon comes the dawn.

Keep such nice and simple stuff coming.

Aqua it's a reason you're a mod. You're so freaking awesome! I love the end of this poem! I want to review more of your stuff now. This poem made me feel deep emotion. I'm going to read more of your writing now! Keep up the great work Aqua!
~Best Wishes Jay~

I think you mean Instructor, not Mod. xD