Letting go

Tick tock Tick tock time flies by
Moments left before I die

I go backwards, begin to think
About chances that I let sink
Hidden feelings never revealed
All my dreams that I kept sealed
Tears stream down at this thought
I recall a fight I should not have fought

Fear and remorse now control me
Why is it death that I must see?

Five voices call me, I turn to hear
It’s my childhood friends, near and dear

All of a sudden the tears dry
Something worth lived before I die

Now to death I don’t ask why
Smiling to the world I bid goodbye.

Ok I am going to go piece by piece on this one. Or at least try to.

First Part. I like this, and I like how it goes down to moments left before I die.

Second Part. I think you are focusing to much on the rhyme. It is kind of forced. Also there is no punctuation except for like a period and a question mark.

Third Part, I like this, it gives the real fear of death in itself.

Fourth Part. On this part are you saying that they are death now and you are going to them?

Fifth Part. I don't get what you mean by something worth lived before I die. To me this makes no sense.

Sixth Part. I like this last line. It was really well written, but it kind of switches from fear to acceptance.


Anyway my overal thought is that this is really good.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

Hey Young gun, Evi here. I saw that this poem was ever so tragically shoved from the first page with only one review, and I decided that I must remedy that fact!

First of all... punctuation!

So, poems are generally punctuated exactly light regular old sentences, which makes our lives easier. While some poets do what you did here-- capitalized the first letter in every line-- I think it got a bit annoying/predictable, so I'd suggest you only capitalize a word when it's the beginning of the sentences. However, most of these phrases aren't complete sentences. Does that ruin everything? No, of course not; that's perfectly fine! =D For example!

Tick tock Tick tock time flies by
Moments left before I die

Would be rewritten as:

Tick tock, tick tock—time flies by;
moments left before I die.

Look good? ^_^ Oh, yeah. Woot for formatting.

Rhyming and rhythm!

Okay, so. You picked a really strict rhyming scheme-- AA, BB, CC, DD, etc. While that's a perfectly fine decision, it's going to mean that your flow has to be perfectly exact and each beat precise. You need to tweak some of your syllables, because not all of your rhymes are perfect enough right now.

I go backwards, begin to think
About chances that I let sink

Try, instead:

I go backwards and start to think
'bout all the chances I let sink.

a.) It punctuates and capitalizes just like prose, so yay for simplicity and not having every line look the same! =D

b.) It ALSO has a more even rhythm because I changed some words and added/subtracted a few beats. See what I'm doing? Just making it smoother. You can do this with the rest of the poem by reading the poem aloud to yourself (preferably when you're alone so the people around you don't think you're crazy) and just work out some kinks in the rhythm. If you need help, PM me!

Other stuff

All of a sudden the tears dry
Something worth lived before I die

Now to death I don’t ask why
Smiling to the world I bid goodbye.

Pah! This is no ending! He/she stops crying because they remembered that something in their life was worth living! But the readers don't get to find that out?! D: Why? You must include that, otherwise the line loses its effect it the narrator seems silly.

And I'm not particularly fond of this last line, darling. >_> The words seem to forced, so it seems as if you're coming up with a rhyme... and then with the words to go around it. That's not how poetry should work! You should have your meaning and emotion come first and foremost, and somehow twist that into rhyming. Never have a rhyme and grab random words just because they fit. Otherwise, an angry mob of poets shall descend upon you.

So, need any more help? Drop me a line!

~Evi

Young gun wrote:Tick tock Tick tock time flies by
Moments left before I die

I go backwards, begin to think
About chances that I let sink
Hidden feelings never revealed
All my dreams that I kept sealed
Tears stream down at this thought
I recall a fight I should not have fought

Fear and remorse now control me
Why is it death that I must see?

Five voices call me, I turn to hear
It’s my childhood friends, near and dear

All of a sudden the tears dry
Something worth lived before I die

Now to death I don’t ask why
Smiling to the world I bid goodbye.

Okay, so you're still focusing on elementary styles of rhyme. Listen, love, Rhyming is an advanced poetic tool, one which burgeoning poets shouldn't use until they've familiarized themselves with free-verse and basic Prosody/imagery. Master free-verse and then move on to rhyming.

Your rhyme scheme is forced, and makes your poem sound forced and amateur. To make matters worse, the words you used to rhyme were boring, you went for the cliche consonance rhyme. There's no slant rhymes, alluded rhymes, fake rhymes, or assonance. It's just, boring.

Think, sink
Revealed, sealed (which technically doesn't work considering the first is too sibilant for the second to rhyme)
thought, fought.

It's just boring.

Check out my Prosody guide in the Guide Section
topic51317.html

This will also help you with imagery, which you lack.

I'm sorry, love, but this poem was, sadly, boring. It's cliche. A person thinking about their life, crying over the foolish mistakes they've made, right before committing suicide?
It's been done before.

This critique isn't meant to be harsh or highly critical, I just really want to help you.
If you have any specific questions, or if you still think that I was being too harsh, drop me a PM and I'll make sure I get back to you.