My day

I put on a smile
My mask, if you will
All my emotions
Are bottled up inside
Nobody sees
and no one knows
What's going on
Behind my smiles
My world's crashing down
But no one will ever know
Because I put on a smile
As I walk out the door



Critique is welcomed. I'm kind of new so please be nice.

Hi there drama queen! I'm June! [I'm pretty sure we've met before, right? ]

Eek! I understand you're semi-new-ish, but our 2:1 policy must not be forgotten, dear. Please review at least two things by someone else before posting one of your own.

Here we go:

This is cute! It's that 'mixed feelings' sort of poem that should capture the reader and keep the captivated 'til the end of the poem.

Now! For the harsh stuff...

I out on a smile

• First line! I know using out is making this line mean something close to, "I leave the house/place with a smile" But! Did you mean put? I think that fits a bit more.

My mask if you will

• This line is kind of confusing (If you keep this, be sure to place a comma after mask). I can't think of any way to change this, but if you were to change it to be more precise and clear, that would be perfect.

*

No one sees

No one knows

• Repetition is not commonly liked/appreciated in poetry, so, I think if you could tweak either of these lines to sound different but mean the same thing, that would be perfect.

Maybe, Nobody can see/ and no one knows?

What's going on

Inside of me

I accidentally read the second line as, "behind my smiles".

*

My world's crashing down

But no one will ever know

For I out on a smile

As I walk out the door

• Third line!

- The word "For" has to fit the tone of writing. To me, it commonly sounds better when used in Shakespearan style or formal style writing. Perhaps you can replace it with "because"?

- Again, did you mean put, or out in this line?



* *

Overall, this poem was cute. It was sweet, and the emotion could be heartfelt. It was short (which I love) and short versed (which I love even more). And, it was simple. You did a really good job here.

The only thing I would suggest is adding some punctuation. You know, commas, periods, semicolons-- all that good stuff. But that's up to you .

Great job, dear. Keep it up!

Hope I wasn't harsh on you

Cheers,

June

Well, hello my friend (okay, that line sounded freakin' creepy when I read it in my head... Anyways...)

You know I am Grammarzilla, so poetry doesn't apply very well with my lifestyle (I'm just barely learning to read it) but... I liked it. And my desperate apologies if this message is totally screwed, my iPod never let's me type what I want. Now I guess it's critiquey time!

Umm... Wow, I totally suck at this.... Hmmzies... Okay... I thought it had very good emotion, though I kind of wish it were longer, but I'm no poetry buff, so I don't know how hard that could acctually be. I also thought that is was adorable ! Well, I'm sure you're probably catching the point of my endless blabber, so I will stop critiquququing and wish you a happy whatever holiday comes after Independance Day.


Luvs! *caitlinj

hey hey hey drama queen, dogs here.

I love your poem. i completely relate to it totally. this flows really well. and it sounds great

the only thing i would like to address is that YOU NEED GRAMMAR. periods or commas at the end of the sentices. it looks better. the other thing is you might want to inlongingate it a bit. if you like its length already please ignore me.

Apart from that it was truely enjoyable reading this so please keep up the good work =D











TuckEr EllsworTh

hey hey hey drama queen, dogs here.

I love your poem. i completely relate to it totally. this flows really well. and it sounds great

the only thing i would like to address is that YOU NEED GRAMMAR. periods or commas at the end of the sentices. it looks better. the other thing is you might want to inlongingate it a bit. if you like its length already please ignore me.

Apart from that it was truely enjoyable reading this so please keep up the good work =D











TuckEr EllsworTh

It's not good for you to hold in so much emotion, especially in poetry. Let it out. You didn't say why your world was crashing down, you didn't say really how you felt about it. This is the perfect BEGINNING to a poem. It has good rhythem, a good feel. But it should continue.