" I just want "

" I just want "

To see you smile,

hold your hand,

and talk a while.

I just want

To hold you close,

kiss your lips,

and rub your nose.

I just want

Your dreams to come true,

all your days to be filled,

with the best virtue.

I just want

Everyday to be better than the last,

every moment filled with joy,

with us having a blast .

I just want

You to have it all,

you can win,

Baby lets play ball.


by R.M.D. 6-29-2009

Hey there! I really like where you're going with this; the rhythm and the cadence of the first couple lines was awesome. I could literally HEAR it, and I love that. However, you kind of step out of rhythm here:

& rub against your nose .



I just want



All your dreams to come true ,



all your days to be filled ,



by me , to your rescue .

sometimes this works well in poetry, as it jars the reader for a moment and makes them pay attention. But in this case, it's confusing, because it's jarring and it doesn't slip back into the same rhythm. Try to keep the cadence mostly the same, and if you want to throw a few extra-long or extra short sentences in, definitely give it a try. But right now it feels like two separate poems, if that makes sense.

Great job! Good luck!

Ok review time.

First of all I love the rhyme sceme here. It is amazing, but like lyrical_sunshine said it does break at that one point. I don't get what you mean by to your rescue. To me that part made no sense.

Second, you misspelled having. I'm sure it was just a mistake.

Third, I don't like it when people use things like & instead of the real word. It messes with the poem in my opinion, and so does the .

I like the end when it say's baby let's play ball!

Anyway that's all I've got on this one. You are a awesome writer!

Keep Writing

-Flower-

p.s where is the spell check button noooooo it's gone.

Hey!

Great poem! I loved the rhyming part in the first couple of lines; however, it really does break in that one section. It's confuses the reader, and it DOES feel like two different poems.

You had a typo, but I'm sure that was a mistake.

I would really prefer it if you would use the real word instead of replacing it with symbols.

Don't put the ; it creates a distraction.

Other than that, awesome poem! Keep up the good work!

zOe

Hi Bow! June here!

To start, your rhyme scheme was a bit rough-- I think in some places it could use polishing, in a sense that you should eliminate the lines that are added solely for rhyme. I once told someone that if they can't find a rhyme to match, reword the line. If they still can't find a line that matches, discard the line.

This is because the main enjoyment of poetry comes from having an excellent rhythm and rhyme brought on by sensical lines. Moreover, if it's unrhymed, it's slightly easier to enjoy, because then it's the writer's personal taste that puts in in that style.

No offense! But, your punctuation stands out, a lot. In punctuation, there is no space between the final letter and the punctuation mark; the only space comes after the punctuation mark.

On the message of this, it was sweet. It wasn't totally my favorite, because I am slightly biased against love poems, only because they became so common, that their rhymes and messages tend to be so similar to one another.

Nice work, Bow. Keep it up.

June

when i started to read this i loved the rhyme and rhythm, it was perfect!

but this section didn't work so well.

and rub your nose.

I just want

Your dreams to come true, didn't fit in with the rhythm.

all your days to be filled, ditto on this line

with the best virtue.

I just want

Everyday to be better than the last, and again.
every moment filled with joy,

with us having a blast

it's all pretty easy to sort out though, just a tiny bit of tweaking with the words and it'll be fine.

I loved your ending as well!
X

Hey there! I'm Hailey, and I'm going to be reviewing your poem!!

Okay, Here we go:

I liked your poem for the most part (no offense), but some of the time I didn't think some of your wording fit into the poem. For instance:

" I just want



To hold you close,



kiss your lips,



and rub your nose"

I didn't particularly like the "rub your nose" part. I thought that it seemed (again, no offense), a little childish compared to the rest of the poem.


Otherwise, I really thought this poem was cute. I liked the theme of the poem and the repetition of "I just want", I thought it added to the conclusion of this lovely poem. It was really rather funny for me to read since I can somewhat relate to it!

My favorite part was when you say

"I just want



Your dreams to come true,



all your days to be filled,



with the best virtue."

That was really cute.


Good job, keep up the good work!!

~*Hailey,<3

I didn't particularly like the "rub your nose" part. I thought that it seemed (again, no offense), a little childish compared to the rest of the poem. [quote]



When I kiss her , I like to rub my nose against hers, thats what I ment.


Does that make more sence?