Death

Death follows you like the wind
you never here it
you never see it
you never feel it
until it;s next to you.

Death is the stalker of the universe.
It follows you everywhere.
You can never escape it.
It breathes, it lives, it kills.
Death is the color
of darkness and blood.
You see them when it's day,
you see them when it's night,
you see them when you blind,
you see them when you not.
Death is frozen
like an ice cube that never melts.
Death touches you with its icy grip
when it comes to claim you for its own.
No one escapes death forever,
though you might escape for a moment.
Death is light, death is darkness.
Death and life are complete oppisites
and yet they are exactly the same

Hi. This flows well and progresses nicely from beginning to end.

First I'd fix the layout of this so that it looks like a poem on the page. Maybe something like this;

"Death follows you like the wind
... you never here it...
you never see it...
you never feel it...
untill it;s next to you.

Death is the stalker of the universe.
It follows you everwhere.
You can never escape it.
It breathes, it lives, it kills.
Death is the color
of darkness and blood.
You see them when it's day,
you see them when it's night,
you see them when you blind,
you see them when you not.
Death is frozen
like an ice cube that never melts.
Death touches you with its icy grip
when it comes to claim you for its own.
No one escapes death forever,
though you might escape for a moment.
Death is light, death is darkness.
Death and life are complete oppisites
and yet they are exactly the same."

Then I'd click the spell check button to catch misspellings and typos. Click on the highlighted words and you'll be given a list of possible corrections.

I'd also change "you blind" and "you not" to "you're."

I wouldn't repeat "Death is" so much as it doesn't really add anything to the poem.

I think it could be interesting to rewrite this, showing rather than telling. Instead of saying "Death is frozen", for example, try inventing a character, put them into contact with death, and relate what happens through imagery.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Besides what is written above I like this, so keep writing.

Hi Rose! I'm Jon!

Death follows you like the wind... you never here it... you never see it... you never feel it... untill it;s next to you.

I would get rid of the ellipsis throughout this bit here. Also, you should format this like Jasmine has pointed out. It makes it easier for the reader to read. Anyway, you have some problems here. When you say, "You never hear it." is not true. When wind is blowing you can definitely hear it. Plus, you are relating the wind to death, which isn't a quiet topic. When you say, "You never feel it." is not true. Once again, when wind is following you, you feel the gust again your back etc...
Anyway, this sounds more like a story than a poem, like a prologue beginning. Oh, you also use, 'untill' when it should be 'until'.

Death is the stalker of the universe. It follows you everywhere.

This line is completely redundant. You already say in the first lines above that it follows you, this is just repeating that in a different manner.

You can never escape it. It breathes, it lives, it kills. Death is the color of darkness and blood. You see them when it's day, you see them when it's night, you see them when you blind, you see them when you not.

When you say, "Death is the color of darkness and blood" it makes this sound awkward. Death is a topic that is overused so much in poetry. This whole 'Poem' is just the ramblings of someone who thinks they've got it all figured out. It's almost like your telling us you know everything there is to know about death and you've unlocked some sort of secret or something. Anyway, onto some of the other things I found in this bit here. You say, "You see them when it's day, night, when you're blind and when you're not." This whole line makes no sense. You tell us in the beginning lines that you can see or feel death. But here you say you can. You say you can see them. Who is, "them"? Death? Death is singular so you wouldn't use 'them'. Anyway, you need to work on some of your poetry skills.

Death is frozen like an ice cube that never melts. Death touches you with its icy grip when it comes to claim you for its own. No one escapes death forever, though you might escape for a moment. Death is light, death is darkness. Death and life are complete oppisites and yet they are exactly the same.

This whole peice here seems to be your own philosophical ideas and thoughts about death. This is not a poem, just your own ramblings on the topic of death. You don't use any imagery the can be associated with death. I'm actually glad you didn't because all I would picture in my mind is blood and pain with horrible gross happenings. You spell some things wrong throughout. 'oppisites' should be 'opposites'.


Look, this idea is overused in poetry. I'm not saying you can't use it, just connect it with something else. I found this to not resemble a poem at all, just random musings.



Overall: Look, I'm not trying to be mean in this review. (I was only trying to help and improve your future and present poems.)When writing poems try to turn your ideas and musings into imagery and more than words. Here, you tell us what death is. (In your opinion.) Don't do that! You need some work on your grammar and Spelling too. But don't worry! YWS is a great place to help you out with that! Anyway, I see that you're new toi YWS! Welcome!


If you ever want a review from me again, don't be afraid to PM me! I'm always glad to improve someones poetry!


---Jon---

I want this to be more immediate. Death is, Love is, Hope is. Repetition just makes it more inane. Defining an abstract concept like this has been done to, well, death. The reason to use "is" is to create direct strong metaphor, which you may have used, except you punk out with simile "like".

First of all,
"Death is the stalker of the universe. It follows you everwhere. You can never escape it. It breathes, it lives, it kills. "
All I'm getting is an 1980s slasher villain right now. Or the guy in the Scream mask, minus the scary sudden music.

"Death follows you like the wind... you never here it... you never see it... you never feel it... untill it;s next to you. "Death is the color of darkness and blood. You see them when it's day, you see them when it's night, you see them when you blind, you see them when you not. "
I grouped these together because they have the same fundamental lack of the glue of analogy. They group qualities of death under an analogy that does not sustain them. Death may chase and be impalpable, but wind rarely does chase people around, and it can be felt and heard over quite a long ways away depending on its strength. Colours are perceived, being a purely visual anomaly, the rhetoric of timbre excluded, even if they are the colour of blood and darkness, and you have already defined death as something hard to see until the fatal force, contradicting this sickness and in health consistency.


"Death is frozen like an ice cube that never melts."
Vaguely more evocative imagery, and less cliched, if not revolutionary.

"Death touches you with its icy grip when it comes to claim you for its own. No one escapes death forever, though you might escape for a moment. "

Icy grip? Really? Now I've just got the Monty Python "And you Englishman you're all so pompous, none of you have got any balls" Death.

"Death is light, death is darkness. Death and life are complete oppisites and yet they are exactly the same."

No imagery to back it up, just manichean triteness.

This frustrates me. I see nothing of you. I see line after line of cartoon mythology, with no genuine emotion. What is your experience of death? What gives you license to define death? How is it death affects you?
You have an original mind, you have a unique perspective, you are capable of every human sensation and capable of embodying it. Don't just write what you think people want to hear, the way you see your friends write in class. You have a gift, do not, do not waste it on the canon of cliche and superficial pathos.

[quote=]Death follows you like the wind(.)
()you never here* it(,)<--- It should be "hear" the other one indicates location and delete the gap at the beginning as well as capitalize it.
you never see it(.)
(Y)ou never feel it
until it(')s next to you.
[/quote]

Sorry I couldn't help much with this poem. I have to eat dinner so I made it quick >< Since it seems you're into darker poems, why don't you check this one out
Click Here

It took a lot of work, but I think it was worth it.

Welcome to YWS by the way Glad to see a new member. Don't forget to introduce yourself in the welcome forum ^^
-Shina