Fly

I wanna fly away
to a place never before seen
I wanna be the first there
and the last to leave
I wanna see a new world
A place I could be free
Just to be the first
to fly around without a care
To be someone
I could never be...
To trust the world
to accept me for me...

Me Against The World wrote:I wanna fly away
to a place never before seen. Why did you inverse that? It works just fine in a normal placement.
I wanna be the first there
and the last to leave.
I wanna see a new world:
A place WHERE I cAN be free.
Just to be the first Repetition with no use.... ,
to fly around without a care
To be someone
I could never be...
To trust the world
to accept me for me... Kinda sloppy .... try "which will accept me" or something like that.

Nice. It has quite strong idea and point. I corrected your punctuation, which was awful. In the future, try to write it down on the paper. Oh...and let me know if I forgot about something..

I like the message about yourself. Like you feel misunderstood or something. I also like the place you imagine. I would like to see a sequal to this poem describing the place.

Hi! Make sure that you review at least 2 pieces before posting your own. YWS keeps a 2:1 ratio on reviews to postings of your own work. But anyway, on to the review!

I wanna fly away Is there a reason for the "wanna"? If not, change all of the "wanna"s to "want to"s, because the poem sounds better using the proper phrase.
to a place never before seen Change "before seen" to "seen before". Although the former sounds better in some situations, in this context it seems awkward and forced.
I wanna be the first there
and the last to leave
I wanna see a new world
A place I could be free
Just to be the first
to fly around without a care This line confuses me of the intent of the poem. Are you wishing to find a new world, a new place, or to fly? Remember to stick to a central idea.
To be someone
I could never be...
To trust the world
to accept me for me... okay, you can delete the ellipses (the ...) in this line and the one two above. The whole poem except for these two lines has no punctuation whatsoever. What's with the fluctuation?

Alright! This piece has so-so rhythm...try reading it out loud and you'll be able to fix the things that sound awkward, forced, etc. The theme or idea was mostly central, and it was otherwise pretty well written. I think that this piece could benefit from punctuation, though some poets prefer to go without it all together. At least if you're going to choose one or the other, stay constant.

Good job, and keep writing (and reviewing)! If you have any questions, just PM me.

-Cassie

Hi there, Me against the world! I'm June, and I'm going to run over this for you, dear .


This is cute! Instead of using formal language and saying, "I want to," you're speaking informally. This is great; by using the informal form, the reader can relate to the poem a little more.

Let's take a look for any errors you may have, dear. Let's begin:

I wanna fly away

to a place never before seen

I like how this poem has a "Free flow" touch to it. It's making us feel like we are almost flying through the words.

It is common in modern poetry to use punctuation. However, I think that if we were to use punctuation in this, we might ruin it. I like that you didn't add it-- but, it's up to you to add it or not.
If you were to add it, it would be simple pattern you can follow. On the alternating lines it would be comma, period, comma, period, comma, period, consistently throughout the poem.

Also! You're beginning some of your lines with capital letters, and others begin with lowercase letters. Because some of the lines begin with the pronoun, "I", I think that they should all be capitalized, dear.

I wanna be the first there

and the last to leave

I wanna see a new world

A place I could be free

In the last line here, I think that "could" should be changed to "can". The word "could" seems too "heavy" here, so I think a lighter word would do this bit justice .

Just to be the first

to fly around without a care

So! This second line here is posing a bit of a "drag", dear. If you split it into two lines: To fly around/ Without a care, then I think you would be better off. You have short lines consistently through this poem, and when we come to this, we're met with a long line. It's confusing for both the rhythm, and the reader .

To be someone

I could never be...

To trust the world

to accept me for me...

Hm, the ellipsis (...) isn't commonly liked to be used in poetry, dear. If you want to keep it, I would suggest dropping the first one. If any punctuation mark belongs there, dear, it would be a comma .

*

This poem has an honest air about it. It's like dreams captured in words, longing for an escape.

All of my nitpicks and comments aside, I think this was rather well written. It was complete, and the rhythm rolled smoothly. Never matter that it didn't have a consistent scheme to follow; in my opinion, it was perfect.

Keep it up, dear! And if you have any questions, please, PM me .

June

Hi, I don;t know why but I feel there could have been more, you know?
That's just me though, you are the writer. I liked where you were going though
it was very. . . I think I would say inspiring? I know how that feels so I relate to it
very much. I'm never good at this whole reviewing thing, but there it is!

Hey!
I'm Tennis.
What a sweet little piece you have here!
Let's get started.

I wanna fly away I would use "I want to fly away" Same with every other spot where you use "wanna"

to a place never before seen.

I wanna be the first there,

and the last to leave.

I wanna see a new world

A place I could be free

Just to be the first

to fly around without a care
I disliked these two lines. They sounded so, erm, disjointed and didn't flow as well as everything else. They stood out - in a bad way.

To be someone

I could never be...

To trust the world

to accept me for me...
beautiful ending!

[b]Overally, short and sweet. To be honest, it was nothing special or original vis-a-vis word choice and topic. I needed a title that inspired me more too. But for now, good job.
7/10

Awesome poem! I can't really review you because everyone else already covered everything I saw that was incorrect. So, all I can do is say, nice job! I hope to see more pieces from you!