Forbidden fruit

Gender

Points 1408

Reviews 20

Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:45 am

esteria says... · Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:45 am

The forbidden fruit
Ever so sweet
If only it were not
such an impossible feat
My love,you and only you
I would love.

Temptation, so hard to resist
Why does it have to be so sweet
This attraction I wish to fight
All these dark corners I want to detest
My love, I try but my feelings persist
If only it weren't so sweet
This game of deceit
My love, my sweet
you and only you
I would love.

The forbidden fruit
Ever so sweet
If only I were not
Such a passionate flirt
My love,you and only you
I would love.

Last edited by esteria on Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Rosendorn

Gender

Points 89625

Reviews 1272

Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:46 am

Rosendorn says... · Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:46 am

Hiya! Nice avvie.

Hmm, this poem has an interesting idea, but the repetition kills it for me.

You're using "sweet" quite a bit, and since this poem isn't that deep into imagery and emotion that makes "sweet" loose some of it's emotion every time you use it.

As for the emotion, you don't get that deep into them. You've got a good push and pull between wanting something and not being able to have it, but you could push your metaphor of temptation being a fruit more. It would help if you used other words then "sweet" to describe it.

I also find it a little unclear how the narrator feels in all this. Will he/she submit to temptation or stay away? Does he find the sweetness of resistance more appealing then the sweetness of temptation?

So, a good start, but it could use some expansion.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.

Angel of Death

Gender

Points 2242

Reviews 695

Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:33 pm

Angel of Death says... · Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:33 pm

Hello there!

Well, I agree with Rosey up there that you are using sweet way to much. It sorta takes away from the beauty of the poem, because you start off wonderfully and then your thoughts get all jumbled and everything goes awry. Just don't worry about rhyming and focus what you want to say and use a lot of different words. Just go wild but make sure everything flows.

The forbidden fruit
Ever so sweet
If only it were not
such an impossible feat

I think you should scrap everything but this and just go from here. The last stanza didn't do this any justice.

Well, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Ta,

~Angel

True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.

AlyssaKyle

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 86

Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:51 pm

AlyssaKyle says... · Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:51 pm

I have to disagree with the other reviews you have recieved so far in the sense that I enjoy the way you used repetition. It emphasizes your point, and though 'sweet' does show up more then I would like, it is the point of repetition for the word to strike you differently the further in you go. I felt like the poem scratched the surface of the story behind it, like you are giving us just a peek into their world. I like that, though, because it allows us to fill in the blanks ourselves and make it what we want it. Just be careful with poems that rhyme-it is very easy for them to fel forced.

Who did the jedi mind trick on you women when it comes to capri pants? *waves hand* You want a piece of clothing that makes your ass look wider, your legs shorter, and your feet bigger.
-Christopher Titus