Merciful Bane

Merciful Bane

Dark have been my days
As of late
Two worlds are now ablaze
As a result of our races’ hate

Lingering above our heads
The very embodiment of evil
To my leader: unbelievable
To yours: undeniable
To me: preventable

To convince my blind lord of reason
And spare ourselves a horrible fate
I must commit the ultimate act of treason
To save you my secret and beloved bondmate

First a clash of words harsh
Then a clash of blades ensue
A deadly strike to my heart
From a deep bite of blue

As I stand in my fatal state
I scream in defiance and wait
The evil white bane soon strikes the bait

I catch one last glimpse of the horror
Plastered on your fragile face
You’ve always deserved so much more
Now you can find someone better to take my place

As far as the imagery goes, that's what makes this piece worth reading...the imagery defenitely is entertaining and enjoyable; my favorite part of this whole thing, in fact.

My only real problem here is with the storytelling, if you will: For some reason, I don't know if I'm just tired tonight and i'm not seeing it or what, but it seems the lines are jumbled, and the reader honestly has only a vague idea of what's going on. I suggest (if I may) that you look at the poem for yourself and see if you can try to make it a tad bit clearer what's going on.

Otherwise, really, the imagery was terrific. Great precision, thank you for posting this.

Hey there! I'm Kat and I'm gonna review this for you! Oh, and welcome to YWS!
I haven't read the first so I'll go on that on next
On to the review!
I have not found any grammar mistakes, which is bad because I love correcting grammar (grammar freak, what can I say?). Anyway, the imagery here was wonderful! As the one above has mention.
I love your topic. It seems like she's giving here life to save some one's world. And she has a different leader, so she's in a different world. Hum, pretty interesting!
The storyline, well it was there but it is a bit messy. Try read it out loud. Sometimes it helps you find the points that need some change.
I didn't really found a favorite part. it seems I love it all
Well, that's all I have to say!
Keep writing!

*Kat*

Wow, that was amazing! This was a very gripping story that had my heart literally pounding out of my chest as I read it. As Krupp has mentioned, your imagery is excellent. The reader really feels like they're in the girls point of view. This poem really was riveting.

Your last three paragraphs seemed sort of off, but I think that may have been because of flow. That's all I caught, though.

My 2009 resolution is to give a book recommendation for each review I write, so here I go. I recommend Edgar Allen Poe's Complete Works, but a poem I really want you to read is "The Pit and the Pendulum". Even though Poe has a kind of sick and twisted sense of humor, his flow is nothing to compare. I've read this poem and it's one of my favorites. The drama is also very similar to your own, as well as the imagery. Maybe you could pick up a few helpful ideas. You never know.