Twilight

Twilight

Before, I was alone
In darkness and in doubt
Until you showed me the way out

Your shining face
Revealed to me my true place
Standing at your side
Without regret or cruel chide

Your forgiving tears
Cleansed me of all my sins from past years
Your merry laughter
Made me forget all the slaughter

The slaughter of our war
Our war, which will one day
Demand each of us to go our separate way

Try as I might
I can't be among the Light
Anger and lies
Mistrust and pain
Flow too strongly within my dark veins

dreamer_of_the_stars wrote:Twilight

Before, [you need the comma there!!] I was alone
In darkness and in doubt
Until you showed me the way out

Your shining face
Revealed to me my true place
Standing at your side
Without regret or cruel chide

Your forgiving tears
Cleansed me of all my sins from past years
Your merry laughter
Made me forget all the slaughter: doesn't rhyme with laughter [doesn't sound good]

The slaughter of our war
Our war, which one of these days
Demand each of us to go our separate ways

Try as I might
I can't be among the Light
Anger and lies
Mistrust and pain
Flow too strongly within my veins

Okay... I'm not so sure what this has to do with Twilight but that's not the point...
It could've been better... The rhythm doesn't flow well and most of the lines don't have an even beat.

Sorry to be harsh...Hope I helped you a bit :]

Dee Dee E.

it could have been thought out better. I agree with DeeDee that this had almost nothing to do with twilight but whatever. in set 3 lines 3 and 4 dont rhyme like the rest of the poem does. Laughter and slaughter may be spelled simular but arent pronounced the same. The poem seemed a little dull it needs an extra boost of some sort. I didnt get the idea that the poem was about edward until the second set... You need some sort of attention grabber at the beginning.

hey read your message

maybe you'll want to change the title of your poem to something else because anyone who reads this automatically going to think it has something to do with the book Twilight

Maybe something more along the lines of you story. It really helped me to know that this wasn't about Twilight. It helped to take away the whole this is about vampires thing and put a different perspective on the poem.

Try changing the title
avoid the confusion

You two people are complete idiots, the world does not rotate around a horrible book about an abusive relationship that is treated as wonderful.

Hopefully this post isn't long enough to count as a review, because I don't mean it to be.

This is free verse, right? It seems that this was directed at a person in particular, not to a general audience, yet I thought it was quite good. Your title could really be visualized as a twilight when you read it, so don't mind the other posts. Your title is perfect.

I loved everything, but your last line interrupted the flow. It's not that it didn't rhyme, but even free verse has to have some flow. Your structure can probably be tweaked, but that's up to the writer.

Anyway, I liked it. Welcome to YWS!

Hey there! I'm Kat and I'm gonna review (obviously -_-')!
This is pretty good. Believe me the title does not influence your readers to think of Twilight the books. I read the Twilight series and when I first read this I didn't even associated, so...
Your title is perfect, don't change it.
I've read the sequel and now I can understand better. So, you mention the light, and that she can't be with the Light. Does that mean she like in the Dark, or something?
Grammar! As I have said, I'm a grammar freak. And sadly I didn't found anything
Sad for me, great for you! Anyway, this is good and the sequel totally fits in with this one.
The imagery was better in the sequel if you want to know...
I agree with what SeleneForeverDream has said about the flow and so ever.
Well, that's all i have to say!
Keep writing!

*Kat*

Wow!
This pome is amazing, I read the book "Twilight" and it has nothing to do with the book.



Good Job!

i think the message that you want to implement in this poem is great,,,,
the only problem is that you are having hard time in how you construct each
lines...i know that you will do good next time

keep it up...