my heart

the touch of his skin
is so warm in my hand...
and yet his heart
frozen in whole.

i want to just run away
and leave him for good,
but as i look in his eyes,
i see a lonely man.....waiting.....

he needs me...
but I'm not the one....
in my heart i know,
i just don't belong here....

i need to get away...

....before he freezes my heart again....

Hey there , I'm Kirsten and I am going to review for today. To begin with I am going to do a basic run over of everything, then we'll move onto comments and things to do with this individual piece. So, let's start.

I Technicalities
-In this subdivision I am going to run over the basic writing skills. How well you've used them, etc etc.

II structure
-I shall then go over the stanzas, flow, rhythm etc

III voice and tone of writing
-the strength of the narrative, how much I like the tone, etc

IV imagery, originality
-Pretty self explanatory.

So, shall we start?

I Technicalities
Well, the technicalities are almost okay in this poem. You do, however, have a few issues that need to be addressed.
Capitalization - Remember to capitalize all of your I's, even if you choose to do a poem where you have no capitals at the start of the words, there are some basic pronouns that simply must be capitalized. I must always be capitalized.
Basic Punctuation - Your punctuation isn't too bad, there are issues that need to be addressed in it, but I'm sure others will do that for you. I just basically go over the basics, etc, etc. One thing that stands out is the ellipses. You have done this on a variety of areas in this poem, but I'll just point out one: 'I see a lonely man.....waiting...... The first thing I have to point out about this is that I think waiting would be far more effective in a line of its own. The number of .....'s you have is grammatically incorrect. You should only have three. This is called an ellipses. You can't have five or six dots, either three or one. One would be a full stop. Instead it should read: I see a lonely man... waiting... But I do think that would be more effective in a line of its own. xD
Basic Spelling etc- is actually very good. I don't think you made any spelling errors at all. xD Well done.

II Structure
Sub-segments for this area. A bit like we did for technicalities only longer. xD
the length of your lines - Pretty good. They were all roughly the same length and remained consistent. Well done
breaks in the line - You use enjambements quite a lot. This means that your sentences continue onto the next, without a pause or break, and remain on the same subject. I think it'd be nice if you included some caesurae - pauses in the lines, especially to make its meaning clearer, and to add effect to your poem. Normally, caesurae are in the middle of lines. Having a nice mixture of Enjambements, caesurae and end breaks (ending at the end of the sentence) make for very effective poetry. Just a little note for the future. xD
stanza length The stanza length is fine.
Rhyme and pace Hmm... I think I'll split that up into two subdivisions inside a subdivision of a subdivision, confusing, eh?
Rhyme I'm really happy that you didn't make this poem rhyme. If you had done so it would have felt forced and annoying. Most poems don't work rhyming, and seem too forced. So well done on that
Pace-Actually, you did pretty well with the pace of your poem. Not too fast, not too slow. Good.
diction and syntax- This is a point that I think could really improve your poem. Your diction, your choice of words. See, at the mo' to me this poem is a bit cliched. I have some tips later on for how to fix that, but for now let's work on diction. Okay, good word choice can make or break a poem. In this case, it does neither. Which is just as bad as breaking one. The thing about your word choice is that it's rather simple, warm, frozen, good. These are all words that are rather limited in terms of effective-ness. We need something to interest our readers, and at the moment, these do not. We need better words, I think you should rethink your word choice. I'm not going to do it for you, because the whole point of poetry is that it's you doing it. So just a little help. Good luck.
Overall Structure You did pretty well, but like everything, there are improvements that could be made.

III voice and tone
The thing you lack here, is a strong narrative, the narrative is the driving force of the whole poem. I think, if you were to choose one thing to improve upon, it should be this. You need to tell the whole story through your narrative. The character's personality may seep through, but that's okay . Just make sure it's strong. The tone is quite strange. It's almost like a person arguing with themselves. You make the man seem evil, by saying that he 'freezes your heart' but then the touch of his hand is warm. Let's look at these two lines a bit closer:
Quote: The touch of his skin, is so warm in my hand
This is the first two lines. The first opinion we are given of this man, is that he is pleasant. The word warm, is positive in this context, and gives us the opinion that this man, whoever he is, is nice. Then, later you say:
Quote: I need to get away, before he freezes my heart again. The word freezes, gives us the opinion that he is a cold man, perhaps full of hatred. This contradicts what you've said previously. Perhaps this is what makes the narrative lack, you contradict yourself. Maybe...

IV Imagery and originality
This, is perhaps your biggest problem besides narrative. Lack of imagery. You need to paint some pictures in our minds, you need to make us feel and hear and see. Otherwise, we don't empathise with you, and if we don't empathise, what's the point? You need to paint some images in our minds. Use figurative language. Similes, metaphors, etc. We need to be able to feel for your character. Don't we? Let's look at some famous examples of good imagery.
The first one we have is Ezra Pound - In a station of the Metrol
Quote The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.
The second line has lots of imagery. We can see the contrast (between the flower and branch) Ezra was involved in something called the imagism, which was about how important imagery is in poetry, along with some others. Anyway... another example:
Quote "Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me
This poem is by Emily Dickinson and is called Hope is the thing with feathers. I adore this poem. It has beautiful imagery, and compares hope to a bird. Very interesting, I could go on about it for hours, but not just now.
Anyway, what you need is figurative language, you need similes, metaphors etc. Show us what it feels like, the sounds, the smells. Make us feel for you.

V My opinion
I kind of like this poem. I say that, because I think it's a bit cliched at parts, and the subject is a bit too normal for me. Hundreds of teenagers write poems about boys and how they 'love' them every day. You do have talent, but you need to put it into something worthwhile, that said, it's fine to write this sort of poem. Just not something that you should post unless you want criticism on it. You have potential, but just improve it. We all improve with time and help. You will too. This poem has a core, you just need to give it life now, make it real. Hopefully some of the tips I have given you shall help you, I hope so. xD

I hope I helped

Eeeeeeeeek >.< I appeared kinda harsh, hope I wasn't too harsh on you. xD

~Lost
xoxo

I just noticed that you haven't got any reviews other than mine. We have a rule here, that for every piece you post you must review two pieces. So, once you've reviewed two pieces of work I'm sure you'll get some more reviews. We have a few reasons for that:

Everyone gets reviews on their work.

If you review someone's work they will in turn (hopefully) review yours.

It's nice and you shall gain a good reputation.

Heheheh there's probably more, but my fingers kinda hurt now from typing that much, so... yeah.

Hope I helped. xD

~Kirsten
xoxo

First off, I have to say, that I find this poem is quite cliched. The whole idea of it anyways. You didn't force this poem to rhyme which is great, doing that is often a common mistake. Oh wow, all those lines rhymed, I really didn't mean to do that. Back to topic. I think that you have to many ellipses that is the ....'s but that could just be me.

and yet his heart

frozen in whole.

I had to read this line a few times, it disrupted the flow. Maybe you should say ...and yet his heart/ WAS frozen in whole... it would make the poem a bit easier to flow, but that may just be me. Grammar was okay, you spelled all the words right. Its odd for me to read poetry that lacks in punctuation, but that is becoming more common and modern to have a poem that is missing that. Overall, it was okay, but it could be better. Best of luck,
~Alyss

I know it was a bit cliched, I know it was a bit short, but I really don't care because I loved your poem! It was simple and said it all. I really have trouble with the cliche thing so I usually overlook that when I read other's poems. The first time I read your poem I could've sworn it ryhmed, your words just flow and that is something I've never managed to do. Good Luck and keep writing!

Actually I really liked where you were going with this poem. I can relate, you know
and you described how I have felt before. Isn't that a part of being a writer?
Being able to relate to people and just pouring your heart out on the page (or keyboard ).
Well like I said I liked where it was going, I just wanted more feelings more... descriptive words, but you are the writer just take it in to consideration.

comments are bold.XD

krystalklear1993 wrote:the touch of his skin
is so warm in my hand...the punctuation doesn't fit too well, it makes the poem flow rather wrong.
and yet his heart
frozen in whole.

i want to just run away
and leave him for good,
but as i look in his eyes,
i see a lonely man.....waiting..... too many dot,dot,dots.

he needs me...
but I'm not the one....interesting idea here, being needed but not being the one.
in my heart i know,
i just don't belong here....

i need to get away...

....before he freezes my heart again....[b]good ending but again, punctuation.

anyway, overall, I think that the structure was rather awry. I'm not the best person to advice you on pucntuation but I think that your punctuation in the poem didn't work too well. Also, capitalize words that have to be capitalized.

The message of your poem was vague but I think it got across. Perhaps more expansion on the really emotional parts of the poem, like a lonely man waiting. Maybe you could paint his emotions a little more or something. Well, that's it. Sorry if it's messy.