Messing Up These Mean Streets

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Hope you understand what I'm getting at:

Flashy tracksuits and tacky bling,
Designer labels adorning everything.
Angry faces
Under worn caps,
Acting on their emotions
Without all the facts.
Blaring sirens
And hurried feet
Your mate got caught
By a bobby on the beat.
Hustled booze
And smuggled drugs,
Just another day
In the local woods.
Banned dogs
And a rusty knife;
Playing with death,
Playing with life.
Another scuffle
In another pub
Dancing wildly
In some random club.
Drugs in the toilets
Girls in your bed
Now this life
Is wrecking your head.
Paranoid people,
Feverish eyes,
You don't believe them,
They're all telling lies.
You've made so much money
But you've messed up the streets,
your mates are in jail,
the dealing elite.

People have died
When you didn't get it right,
The police are coming
It might be tonight.
The sirens are wailing
constantly in your head,
Your new plan is failing
But there's money under the bed.

More and more customers
As the police crack down on crime,
Your rivals are away
And that's bought you a little time.
The money's pouring in now,
You've really hit the jackpot.
Just don't tell your girlfriend
That it's from crack and pot.

Brand new cars
And expensive things,
All of these gifts
That money brings.
The cloud over your head
As you wake up each day
Knowing you're a killer,
That your buyers aren't okay.

Plants slowly dying,
As your convinced that your Dad knows,
If anything, you're sick of lying,
Sick of counting endless woes.

He's called them and they're on their way,
Ready to take you away from here,
You're scared of what's going to happen,
But you don't want to shed another tear.

Your hands are on fire
As the cuffs are undone,
You killed that man's daughter,
That woman's son.
The party life is no more,
They've taken the keys
After locking the door.
You sit all alone
On a dirty old bed,
While all of these ghosts
Mess up your head.
This is the price you pay
For what you have done,
You'll breathe another day,
But for now your soul is gone.
_____________________________

Thanks for reading!
Last edited by walshie on Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I've got birds in my ear and a devil on my shoulder, got a phone in the other and I can't get a hold of her. What's a crush to do?




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Hey, I thought this was really good but as it tells a story more than anything else, it should probably be in Narrative Poetry.

For the most part, the rhyming and tempo are good but occasionally you overwrite a sentence and skew things.

The sirens are [s]always[/s] wailing

constantly in your head,

Your new plan is failing

But there's [s]still[/s] money under the bed.


Get rid of a few unnecessary words and it flows a bit better. For instance 'always' is a bit of a killer here, especially as 'constantly' comes right after.

Your rivals are [s]all[/s] away

And that's bought you a little time.

The money's pouring in now,

You've really hit the jackpot

[s]You[/s] just don't tell your girlfriend

That it's [s]'cause you deal[/s] crack and pot.



I would make the last sentence 'That it's from crack and pot' - again, flows better.

He's called them and they're on their way,

Ready to take you away from here,

You're scared of what's going to happen,

But you don't want to shed another tear.


This is probably the worst stanza in my opinion. It needs the most work.

*

Again, overall I really liked it. I could relate.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I agree with Jiggity, this should be moved to Narrative Poetry.


All in all, this was a very good read and once it was done and I read that line where you put... Thanks for reading, I was like 'what?' because I thought that was part of the poem so just a minute ago I wrote a really weird review about how that threw off the entire poem and then I reread your work and it dawned on me... But that's just how brilliant I am.

Keep Writing!

~Slade-izzle
You Cry, I Cry.
You Laugh, I Laugh.
You Jump Off Of A Cliff,
I Laugh... Even Harder.




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Fantastic, great, superb and great again. This poem is really powerful It is like you telling a story of a criminal. It brings in moral as well + your poem was long hich is good and not all people do it that long. Your rhyming was great and the words were good too. :D
Kepp on writing like that!!!
Blood is red
But Heaven is blue
The Devil will fined out
And take you




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WOW. i know this forum is for constructive criticsm but i'm afraid i can't give any. Your rhyming was right, and flow was awesome...I like how all the syllables match perfectly.
I read your other one too! I look forward to read more of your poems. Keep writing!
I also saw your profile and I must add that my birthday is Oct. 28, 1994. :D
Give hugs not bombs or whatever that saying says



You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer