My Fair Lady

~This is the first poem I ever wrote.. So... I hope it's okay!:)~


This may be so, my fair lady;
His hand entwined around hers makes her blush

You knew
that all that glistens is not gold.
All that is lovely could be cold.
And all that is sweet could be bitter.

And yet,
Ignoring all warning
You arranged that marriage,
you arranged that marriage out of greed
Of the gold surrounding that lad.

He was a nice man, yes.

But you saw him with
someone else
Who loved him so.
He was so gentle with her
So kind.

Taking that chance,
You left with his money.
Saying, 'She loves him!'
And thought you would be merry.

Because of your foolishness,
Thinking nothing of consequence,
He was angered.

But you thought of your actions noble:
That girl was in love with him,
And he was too.
Would your course of action not be logical?

You were gravely wrong.

That man was in love with you,
Crazy, blinded, he took
A knife.
He said to me in your dying breaths

Your pretty head,
against my blood stained shirt
You lay here, breathing slowly.
So softly.
You knew your number had come
The day you betrayed me.

Her fiance, her love.
The one with gentle hands.
He took a knife in his palm,
and plunged it in her chest.
Watched the blood flow.

Why?
A fit of jealousy,
a fit of rage?
nobody will know; he threw himself off a cliff.

I remember every breath she took,
every word she said.
It hurt so bad
That I had found her dying in his arms.
How I wanted to kill him.

My fair lady, that sweet, charming lady...

You have done this to her.
The only love I had
The only love you had...
Why have you done what you did?


Edit: MASSIVE edit :O my friend said that it didn't make sense, so I edited it.

this is really good for your first attempt at poetry. i couldn't really tell that had it not been for the preface. the piece itself is well put together. i like the way that you include the rhetoric between the two forces and how the story is told. though honestly i would like to know a little bit more about what it is that you are talking about and i believe that when you are talking about the man you should probably do a bit more development like you did with the character of the lady who was in love with him. but overall good piece.

fistly -
oooomg that was long ><
secondly -
I really enjoyed it, coming from up'nerth i enjoyed some of the coloquialism that i am fermiliar with.
There was a very oldy worldy motif to it, like 18thC or something; which i really enjoyed.
For your first ever poem I'd say it is fantastic

I liked it. Good job.

Hmm. It's way better than the first poem I wrote! The title got me, I love the movie... *wink*

On some parts, I felt it was too telling and thus, a little in-your-face. Here are some of the parts:

Taking that chance,

You left with his money.

You used the excuse 'She loves him!'

and left.

He took a knife in his palm,

and lunged it in her chest.

How I wanted to kill him.

You could say all this in many different words, make it more "poetic" so it doesn't seem harsh.

You knew

that all that glistens is not gold.

All that is lovely could be cold.

And all that is sweet, could be bitter.

You have to decide whether you use the comma or not; it looks funny when you have both not used it and used it. In this case, I suggest you don't use commas at all.

You done this to her.

It's either "you have done" or "you did".


Overall:

This is very good, seeing as it's your first poem ever. I'm more into equal stanzas, but I'm not suggesting you change the structure of this. I can feel the emotion, however, in some parts (the ones I've already pointed out) could be more of that. I liked the last stanza; it ends this well. Keep writing poems!!!


Demeter xxx

this was great for your first poem!

the only thing i would say is that i couldn't quite catch on to your rhyme scheme. it seemed a bit scattered to me--though that could very well just be me *wink*

overall, excellent work! i'm not going to go into grammar and punctuation mainly because i need to work on my own quite a bit, and punctuation in poetry kind of confuses me. sorry!

beautiful poem all the way!


-GC10

Hi, nice one for your first poem xD

COME UP WITH MOAR. MOOAARRR. /insanity

hiya, I really liked it, but had to read it through a few times before i could get the message. The style of writing is really beutiful and i loved the topic. haha, I have to admit it was a lot better than any first poem I could have made

My, my...this was a very beautiful poem. The beginning almost made me blush - the speaker's words sounded so alluring and nice. And you say that this was your first poem? Goodness, this is way better than my first attempt! I really don't have much to say about this poem because it's really good, but just wanted to give you your kudos. Hope you write some more. =)