The Night Sings Sweetly

The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.

Days are bright,
but their truth has left me blind.
They let you down, they last too long,
oh, night to me is much more kind.

A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,
just like we pass our fears, and share this place.

So feel the wind, drop your mask,
let our worries rise like amber kites.
Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us
as the night sings sweetly,
as the night sings sweetly
toward the city’s lights.

This was so beautiful I can't even explain how magical this poem is. Wow. I didn't see any grammatical errors but I don't think you should change anything. It flowed really nice and I agree, night is really better than the day...its the best time to write.

My favorite stanza is:

The night sings sweetly,
it dances toward the city’s light.
It’s on nights like these that memories happen,
and streetlamps flicker in delight.

I like this stanza because its descriptive and it really sums up everything that happens at night. Beautiful!
All in all,
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel

At times it seemed to drag on a little with the "well the night is better than day because etc.", between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas. The flow and rhythm could've been better also. However, I'm really digging that dark back alley/jazz club filled with smoke/slow atmosphere of the poem, so 1+ for you

this is a really good piece that manages to keep my attention and not only that but it balances the elements of darkness and love. it reminds me of a scene in an old romance movie kind of. your voice is used well in this piece and also your vocabulary is used well in your description and your telling of what is happening. sometimes though it feels as if the rhyme is forced. but overall great piece.

this was wonderful! theres nothing else i have to say...

great job!


-GC10

AAAWWWWWWW!!!!!! I loved this poem. It was soooo sweet. I think I like the night time way more than I like the day time. This poem reminds me of my boyfriend for some odd reason. This was excellent writing, but the only little flaw I saw was that in this stanza:

Eimear wrote:A night, sings a sweeter song.
It’s touch is quiet and close,
And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,
with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

It's needs to be changed into its. It's not "It is touch is quiet and close".

But overall I loved it so keep up the good work! Peace

The night sings sweetly,

it dances toward the city’s light.

It’s on nights like these that memories happen,

and streetlamps flicker in delight.

I don't know that "it" is a word you want at the beginning of these lines. I'd suggest rephrasing so that you don't need to use it.

The night sings sweetly
Dancing toward the city's light
On nights like these, memories happen
And Streeplamps flicker in delight

See, that also sets the rhythm more neatly.

Days are bright,

but their truth has left me blind.

They let you down, they last too long,

oh, night to me is much more kind.

That switch to the past tense in line 2 has messed up your rhythm a bit. I'd also leave out the "oh" in the last line, but that's more of a stylistic choice.

Days are bright
But their truth leaves me blind
They let me down, they last too long
Night, to me, is much more kind

The rhythm is still a little awkward, but there's no way to solve that problem without rewording the entire stanza.

A night, sings a sweeter song.

It’s touch is quiet and close,

And it whispers, like feet on cobbles,

with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose.

No comma in the first line. "It's" should be "Its" in the second line. I'd also leave out the "and" in line 3, and the comma there should go away.

A night sings a sweeter song
Its touch is quiet and close
It whispers like feet on the cobbles
With a rhythm, life in a smaller dose

Try to avoid using unnecessary punctuation in poetry. It only interferes with the visual, and part of poetry is how it looks.

I can see us now, on the wall,

fresh smoke rising from your face.

The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,

just like we pass our fears, and share this place.

I'd take out all the commas.

I can see us now on the wall
Fresh smoke rising from your face
The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette
Just like we pass our fears and share this place

So feel the wind, drop your mask,

let our worries rise like amber kites.

Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us

as the night sings sweetly,

as the night sings sweetly

toward the city’s lights.

I love this stanza. It's an excellent summary of the story, with a nice repetition of the fourth and fifth lines. That last line brings us back to the beginning of the poem, and I love the simile in line 2.

Sup' Eimear? long time no speak eh? i hope you're ok.
Anyway - "LET US, OUR BUSINESS COMMENSE!", to quote Moliere ;P

Firstly I think your structure is inspired! it really is. The rhyming pattern of ABCB was lovely - it feels like it is not going to make a rhyme but then it does weeeeeee.

Eimear wrote:The night sings sweetly

I love the way you opened your poem with the title, as well as repeating it at the end. gave the piece a lovely conclusion.

I can see us now, on the wall,
fresh smoke rising from your face.

To me this is the most fantastic couple of lines in the poem. I love them. why? because to me they have two meaning. Being from Ireland as well i am familiar with the mural culture of northern Ireland as well as the gun related violence. So it reads plainly as your shadows being cast onto the wall and him smoking. But i see the IRA related violence...so mneh, i don't know if this was intended or not.

I am sorry i can't offer much in the way of critique. How very useless i make myself *sighs* but to my mind it was flawless.
Very very well done
fondest love
kris
x

Hi Eimear! I’m sorry this is so late. Various things were getting in my way, aye. ^^ But! Let’s get this critique going:



The night sings sweetly,

it dances toward the city’s light. < I think you’d do better here by taking out the “it” and making “dances” into “dancing”

It’s on nights like these that memories happen,

and streetlamps flicker in delight.



Days are bright,

but their truth has left me blind.

They let you down, they last too long,

oh, night to me is much more kind. < I don’t like “Oh” here, it just seems very breathy and ick. Taking it out won’t hurt your poem at all. Though I’d suggest adding a “the” to the start of the line.



A night, sings a sweeter song. < I don’t like the comma here, you can do without it. I’d take away the full stop here, let it continue onto the next line.

It’s touch is quiet and close, < I’d start this line with an “and” and end with a full stop. These first two lines connect slightly better than the second and third, and I feel they run together better.

And it whispers, like feet on cobbles, < Remove “and” here.

with a musical rhythm, life in a smaller dose. < Place a semicolon in place of the comma here.



I can see us now, on the wall,

fresh smoke rising from your face.

The moon is cool and we pass a cigarette,

just like we pass our fears, and share this place. < This is a bit of an icky line. There something just so… rehearsed about “we pass our fears” that makes me scrunch my nose when I read it. Maybe look over it and think about a different phrase, or taking this to a five line stanza instead?



So feel the wind, drop your mask, < I think that you could swap the comma for an “and” here.

let our worries rise like amber kites.

Let’s kiss and sparks can follow us < I think you could swap this “and” for a comma or maybe a “so” and it would flow a little better.

as the night sings sweetly,

as the night sings sweetly < I dislike this repetition. I’d do without it, completely.

toward the city’s lights.


-----

Well, I like this. I know I’ve made a lot of suggestions, but I like the feel and the idea of the poem as a whole. There are a few parts I just don’t like, but I’ve explained those.

I do have a problem with the end… purpose of the narrative. It’s like… you started off with one intention but it feels like along the way you lost it and ended up where you are? Maybe it’s just how I’m reading it, but it feels somewhat disconnected.

Now, all my suggestions are basically subjective, as all poetry is. But I’d love if you considered them; I think it would really help.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.