Pencil

*Note: To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure whether to put this in Narrative or Dramatic. So if it is in the wrong section, please tell me. ^_^ All reviews are much appreciated!

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Pencil

Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare!

Rumble, rumble…
Louder it gets!
Twenty seconds to go
until it is missed!

I franticly kick
the already open door,
widening the space
to go searching some more.

The clothes stand in clumps,
the hamper over flowing,
my socks in a pile
near the little toy oven.

I stop to take a breathe,
the rumbling grew louder.
my feet start to fly,
but instead finds the powder.

"Stupid sister…" I muttered in spite.
The lipsticks strewn here,
the blush to the right.
I push past the clutter and
ran with full strength.
I knocked over a vase,
while trying to get length.

Away from the mess
and right down below.
I knew it was gone,
and I wanted to blow.
My anger was boiling,
“Now I can’t go!
This is ridiculous!
I am going to be late!
She took my pencil,
that deviant snake!”

As I gazed out the window
I knew.
It was there.
At my stop.
Waiting.
Waiting.
But I wasn’t there.
My stuff in the kitchen.
I wasn’t prepared,
Not ready to go,
My things were amidst,
And I knew who’s to show.

“The bus is here!” my sister called out.
Her voice full of laughter,
I wanted to shout, “Stupid big sister!
I know it’s your fault!”
But I was better than that,
I would stand tall.

So instead I watched
with a very deep frown.
She was walking down the driveway,
not making a sound.

But I heard her laughing,
and saw through her pack.
Down, deep in the bottom,
it stood very still.
A pencil.
My pencil.
…I wanted to kill.

I like this poem a lot! The ending made me laugh. Too bad I don't know what that would feel like...
Anyway, this was a great poem. I think it should be in the narrative section, though. Overall, great job.^^

Hey kittykat!

Yeah, I think the Narrative Poetry would be the one. After all, you're telling a story.

This was a little random, I have to say. The stanzas aren't equal, the rhymes do whatever they like. I didn't at first understand why the title is what it is, because I couldn't see any connection between it and the first stanzas. The narrator seems a little paranoid She's (he's) really overreacting about a pencil. I would quite understand her (him) if the pencil was made of gold or something, but now it's just feels surreal. Wants to kill over a pencil? Of course, this might be the main idea of the poem. It's so weird it's funny. I can't really tell. Poems are funny.

Rumble, rumble…

Louder it gets!

Twenty seconds to go

until it is missed!

This doesn't flow very well. Also, gets and missed don't rhyme. You seem to use rhymes in other stanzas: why not in this?

I franticly kick

Frantically, I believe.

The clothes stand in clumps,

the hamper over flowing,

my socks in a pile

near the little toy oven.

Flowing – oven? Oh dear.


I think this is what you should do:

1) Re-line some stanzas so they could be equal, or somewhat equal.
2) Re-rhyme some stanzas so they fit in.
3) Re-think the idea so the reader actually gets it.

Happy editing!


See you around,
Demeter xx

*sigh* I had all those rhyming and refrasing comments coming Demeter. I knew that in some spots those things were wrong, but I couldn't help post it anyway. ^_^ I did try to fix all of while I was in the car though.

Thanks for the comments, by the way! I did sort of intend it to be some sort of weird funny. My paranoid little character killing over a pencil. *giggle* I'll try to fix those parts that you pointed out as best as can. But I will keep the ending the same even though the title doesn't really makes sense until then. ^_^

-kittykat

Well, I can relate to this! Not the hysteria-over-the-pencil part, but sisters doing what they can to annoy you!

My comments are Demeter's. You seem to know yourself the sections to work on. I think it's important to be consistent with rhyming - either full rhyme or half-rhyme.

I'd also have a wee look over punctuation:

Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare!

I think the second two lines should be one sentence:

the clock ticks down -
no time to spare!

Although I'm not sure how you could link it to the first. A comma?

When I first read this, I actually thought she was desperately searching for a pencil because she had had an idea that was about to disappear!