simulated high tide lifeguard lessons for the 90s

They say that under the water
nobody really cares,
and all they see is blue.

You can probably find me
near the side that nobody goes to.
Under the water,
then I’ll wrestle with your hair
and play tag with your eyes
(you’re it),
waiting for one of us to move.

I’ll swim further down
when you drag me along.
Going past the trees and the fishes
and drown in that song
you always sing but I never hear,
except only when we swim.
We’ll chase each other in a circle
around this kingdom built with water,
hidden like the best treasure
there ever was.

Someday when it’s time,
I hope that maybe we can share it
when the water’s fine.

I’ll take the shower when we leave.
We’ll go swimming,
swimming into the sunset -
because the world full of shampoo
never sounded so fun to me.

Hey there! I was passing by and saw you didn't have any reviews so I'll be the first to post!

You have some really great imagery:

"play tag with your eyes"

and I love the concept as a whole - a fresh way of looking at an old, hackneyed subject.

Are you using a rhyme scheme? In some places you did and elsewhere you didn't. Either stick to a scheme or use free verse. But whatever you do, never ever EVER put a rhyming couplet at the end. It's too artificial.

You used 'swim' and 'swimming' a few too many times. Perhaps you could substitute for some synonyms, e.g.:

"Let's dive further down
when you drag me along.
Going past the trees and the fishes
and drown ourselvesin that song
you always sing but I never hear,
except in the deep blue depths.

Something like that. Not having to resort to the same word every time stops readers from getting bored. However repeated images at the start and at the end are acceptable and, if done well, can really add to a poem (see my pieces 'Park' and 'Soliloquy of an Unknown Soldier' for some good examples).

But I thought this was excellent. You obviously have had some practice: you don't tell a lot, which is a relief having reviewed so many poems where the author constantly tells and doesn't show! If you haven't, you're well on your way to being a great poet.

Look forward to seeing what else you have in store for us. Good work!

Gahks



8.5/10