Stubborn Lover

My stubborn lover,
my mistress at heart
she coaxes me on
when others depart.

He sings to me sweet
when sorrow would sink in.
Oh my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen.

Too gentle to be man
too cold to be woman

sweet,
tender,
and unforgiving.

Follow my lead and we’ll become one
when paper and paint brush meet again.

This is beautiful my dear, and I am not saying that just because I am your friend either. The only one thing I would change is this little line here.

when others would depart.

I would make it "when others depart." Simply for the flow. Other than that this was brilliant and I really like it a lot.

I really like this! It's really good. XD I like the "paintbrush and pen" analogy. I thought it was well written! I agree. You should change that one line. But, I thought it was ingenous and creative! Sorry that I can't be more helpful!

Jamie

Hello, Because. . I really like your poem. I love the repition you used in this. I also really like your rhythm and rhyming. I think you should extend this, though. Make it a bit longer.

when sorrow would sink in.

Your rhythm kind of falls off there. How about, "when sorrow stinks in." That way, you're rhythm stays in contact with the poem.

how our passion engulfs my pen.

Cut off "how" in the beginning of that sentence to keep the rhythm going with the flow.

I hope this helps!

-Rick.

Thanks very much for the reviews
I'm considering some of the advice
I can't express how happy it made me that no ones hated it yet.

Thank you again for the reviews and for being so nice about it.

It is unique in some ways, but you make a grave error, you tell us, rather than showing us. You should always show instead of tell. It's merit is uniqueness, but since it's not shown, it doesn't speak to anyone but the writer.

Overall: With work this could be much much better, really hope this helps. Welcome to YWS.

Good luck
VSN

Hi Because ,

welcome to the site. I really enjoyed reading this. Very unique.

There are three places I'd change just to help the flow. They've already been pointed out by OverEasy and Rickage. The funny thing is the sae suggestions to change it they made popped into my mind as well, so maybe they're worth a try? (Except for the fact that I'd use when sorrow sinks in instead of when it stinks in. I believe that was a little typo )

Hmmm... about the telling thing Vernon mentioned. I see what he means, but I don't know any quick-fixes for that. You'd have to do a rewrite to change it, but in my eyes your poem is nice the way it is, so you don't need to.

Lovely work!

~Kalliope

Hey, welcome to the site!


My stubborn lover,
my mistress at heart
she coxes me on
when others would depart.

I would put a comma after 'heart' and remove the 'would' on the last line to increase the pace. We never need unnecessary words

He sings to me sweet
when sorrow would sink in.
Oh my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen.

The 'in' seems a bit unneeded and the 'my pen' I think is random. I don't understand that bit.

Too gentle to be man
too cold to be woman

A semicolon after 'man'. Also, join these two stanzas

sweet,
tender,
and unforgiving.

Nice bit of writing here, but I find it a little cliche. I would recommend put in some great similies and metaphors here to express this.

Follow my lead and we’ll become one
when paper and paint brush meet again.

Comma after first line, it flows better. Paintbrush is one word, but I think the 'paint' is bulk and slows it down.

Impressions: Not a bad try, just remember to put in some great imagery to express your bare points.

-Mark

It's beautifully written .......but there's no need to play around with the words so much, you shouldn't let the reader's attention slip. Certain parts seem a little ordinary. But still it was dreamy.

Ooo. I liked. It seems kind of mundane and normal at first, but when you roll your eyes over the structure and rythmn it's kind of pleasantly quirky.

I liked this bit:

Oh my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen

Does it mean the love makes the speaker want to write about it? Apologies for my slowness if it obiviously does or doesn't.

So nice work, hope you stick around!

Rhymes well, and the last lines were well put...Erm...I guess that's all I have to say...

Death

Hello, there! Welcome to YWS!

I apologize if I repeat anything, but I usually just review straight through.

My stubborn lover,
my mistress at heart--
she [s]coxes [/s]coaxes me on
when others [s]would [/s]depart.

The punctuation I added there is based on preference and what you're aiming for as the author. You can have a dash or a period or something, but don't just leave nothing.

Also, I have a built-in metronome. I'm thinking of fixing that last line by deleting would in the sentence. It should flow more smoothly.

Oh, and coax is what you want, haha. Cox is... something else?

He sings sweetly to me [s]sweet[/s]
when sorrow [s]would [/s]sinks in.
Oh, my dear lover,
how our passion engulfs my pen.

Rhythmically, this verse is a bit clunky. The rhyming lines aren't together enough to make me happy, haha. Here's what I suggest:

He sings sweetly to me
When sorrow sinks in.
Oh, my wondrous lover,
How passion floods my pen.

Wondrous is up to you. and how can be changed to our. The lines are more in rhythm with each other. It bounces a bit better, in my opinion. It's one of my peeves when it comes to rhymes, though. If they rhyme, make sure the lines move at the same rate.

Too gentle to be man,
too cold to be woman--

Follow my lead, and we’ll become one
when paper and paint brush meet again.

I think it would be awesome if you had this last stanza rhyme like in the beginning. I don't want to give an example and take any ideas from you, but I do think that would be an awesome ending to your poem. That way the smaller stanza in the middle will stand out more and be more dramatic since that's obviously what you're going for, nay?

However, in the last line, I don't understand the paintbrush thing when you mentioned a pen earlier on. Speaking of which, I found the pen/paper/paintbrush thing to be quite random. It should either be introduced a bit earlier in the poem or flow into the metaphor a bit better.

Others mention imagery, or the show-don't-tell theory. Yes, imagery is always a plus. Keep in mind, when you use imagery, it's not always sight. It's using all your readers' senses: sight, smell, taste, feel, and hear. All of those are imagery. You have a little bit in here -- I can find them -- but others like a very vivid picture when they read. Just throwing that out there. ^_^

I thought the poem was short and sweet. I think if you worked with the metaphor some more between pen and paper, your imagery will come to life.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

First off, I really loved the last line. The paper and paint brush part added a nice touch.

A little bit of work is needed on the poem, though. A lot of us already have read a love poem. Most of us wrote love poems, too. You have to make your love poem more distinct. Try to show more reasons why the narrator feels that way.

The word choice is good. Coxes, engulfs, etc.

Lastly, welcome to YWS. This was a nice read and pretty decent entry.

Hope to read more of your work-
Summerless <3~

Because I wanted to...,


The gender-swapping pronouns seem random and undefined in S1 and S2, and while I get a pretty good idea of what's going on, I think you should either elaborate or cut one of the strophes.

S3 seems paradoxical when what you intended was insightful--how is something too gentle yet too cold? You have two options to resolve the illogic: either find better words, or elaborate on what it means to be "too gentle" and "too cold," and how the two can coexist.

S4 suffers the same fate, and should be cut away entirely.

S5 gives me the impression that the addressed person (the "Stubborn Lover") isn't even a real person but rather a figment of your imagination, a painting, a collision of paper and paint.

The reason I bring all these points to light is because poetry must give the readers a sense of setting, a sense of purpose (done by giving your piece an audience, by writing with a certain audience in mind), and while your does, to some extent, establish an audience--namely, the loved one--it fails to give us a setting. Where are we to find the loved one too gentle for man and too cold for woman--in a painting that appears in the last line? Why did we need to go through the previous four strophes to determine this? What purpose do they serve? From what I gather, they don't contribute anything to the final line, which ought to be the first line in your revision.


Best,
Brad