A Blue Moon

This is the first poem I've ever written. The poem that made me realize that I like writing. Written when I was in 5th grade(I'm incoming 7th now) for Reading class. My Reading teacher, Ms. Lith insisted that it should be on the school newspaper, so it's also posted in my school newspaper. Thanks Ms. Lith for editing it! It's already edited but critique if you want to do so.
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A Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon
It turns out to be our red-letter day
But to my dismay,
I don’t know what to say.

I heard you calling,
It was music to my ears
In love I was falling,
Crying with silent tears.

I just want to hold you,
And I know you do too.
You came near me,
With eyes of plea.

You hugged me as if the world will end,
I tried to refuse and pretend.
But I really can’t take you,
No matter what I do.

We stood and hugged there,
Not caring if anyone would stare
Finally, we broke apart
Melting each other’s heart.


You mean the world to me,
You don’t know how much I care.
You’ve helped me to see,
What’s inside of me.

I have nothing I know,
It was really unfair.
But the day when you came,
Was too big for me to bear.


And for everything you had given me, I just want to say,
I am very thankful for you in a very special way.


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Poem written for my favorite couple in the world

Lovely first poem.

Let's see if we can make it better.

First off, I think you've should fix the rhyme pattern. If you have rhyme you need to keep it consistent.

Once in a blue moon a
It turns out to be our red-letter day b
But to my dismay, b
I don’t know what to say. b

You have day, dismay, and say in your first stanza. They obviously all rhyme. This stanza has an abbb rhyme pattern.

But in your second stanza

I heard you calling, a
It was music to my ears b
In love I was falling, a
Crying with silent tears. b

you have calling, ears, falling, tears... This is a abab pattern.

Inconsistency...o_O

You need to fix that

Also, for stanzas 3, 4 and 5 you have used aabb and for stanza 6 it's abaa and for 7 it's abcb
. And number 8, lol - that's obvious.

It was music to my ears
In love I was falling,

The words in italics are common. How many times do you think you have read that in any other form of literature? [s]Cliches[/s]
The bold words sound awkward. You've only placed them in this way to make it rhyme - and the reader can tell.

I just want to hold you,
And I know you do too.

Lol...ok now I'm being picky, but he wants to hold himself as well? Grammar mwahahhaa

With eyes of plea.

Maybe eyes full of plea?

Just a few things to think about
Hope it helps

Peace V

casey_kent wrote:This is the first poem I've ever written. The poem that made me realize that I like writing. Written when I was in 5th grade(I'm incoming 7th now) for Reading class. My Reading teacher, Ms. Lith insisted that it should be on the school newspaper, so it's also posted in my school newspaper. Thanks Ms. Lith for editing it! It's already edited but critique if you want to do so.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Blue Moon

Once in a blue moon
It turns out to be our red-letter day
But to my dismay,
I don’t know what to say.

I heard you calling,
It was music to my ears
In love I was falling,
Crying with silent tears.

I just want to hold you,
And I know you do too.
You came near me,
With eyes of plea.

You hugged me as if the world will end,
I tried to refuse and pretend.
But I really can’t take you,
No matter what I do.

We stood and hugged there,
Not caring if anyone would stare
Finally, we broke apart
Melting each other’s heart.


You mean the world to me,
You don’t know how much I care.
You’ve helped me to see,
What’s inside of me.

I have nothing I know,
It was really unfair.
But the day when you came,
Was too big for me to bear.


And for everything you had given me, I just want to say,
I am very thankful for you in a very special way.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Poem written for my favorite couple in the world

Hmm... my main issue other than rhyme inconstincies which I wouldn't of noticed if it wasn't for Elsie. Is the way you word things in the most odd fashion. It's very odd... The whole first stanza is a huge cliche red-letter, blue moon. Heck, I was thinking we'd get a red herring next . Best advice cliche's are evil! Avoid them at all cost. I'm not sure how grades work in America, but for a first it was nice. Overall: I'll be fair since it was a first, just avoid cliches at all costs! XD

Good luck
VSN

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Listening to: Protest the Hero - Soft Targets Dig Softer Graves
via FoxyTunes

Oh the great one has stamped his presence in your precious little page. To think of it, he was actually being NICE. Screw dorkwads, i'll happily critique this cute poem of yours.

There were inconsistencies and they pretty much jutted out the whole time i was reading it. The jumping rhyme patterns annoyed me but thank that damning innocence of the poem.

You lost me at the 7th stanza though. I didn't get the connection anymore and thought it was a weird transition.

Since i know you're well aware now about which things to take good notice of, I'll leave you off with a high five.

Go gaga over writing!

<3 your lovely cuz, JACE--*Nate annoyingly butts in and waves*

Wow! Fifth grade? First poem?

This is pretty awesome.

The only thing I have to say is that I do agree with Ink on the rhyming schemes.

A couple of the lines do sound a little bit awkward, and the second to last stanza just seems to be out of place for some reason.

Other than that, I really like it!

Everybody else seems to have everything else covered, I just want to say that it is a pretty awesome first poem! Just take care of the things everybody else pointed out, and you'll be fine:)

Just this one thing (somebody else might have pointed it out, but this really jumped out at me):
"You came near me
with eyes of plea."
That line just isn't quite right. "Eyes of plea"? Find a better way of phrasing that.

Otherwise, like I said, just look at what other people suggested, and good job!!!


*adna*

I ABSOLUTELY LOVED THIS POEM OMG IT IS JUST BRILLIANT
I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT BUT YEA UM ANYWAYS YEA I LOVED YOUR POEM!!!!!!

P.S. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW MY POETRY

AND YET AGAIN I L-O-V-E-D THIS POEM