A Ferromagnetic Soliloquy

A/N: Old! Turn back!

I am Iron Man.

With fingers like
sheet-metal silos, I grope for your radiance,
which only shatters around me
like prismatic fireflies.

Uncoordinated and
awkward.

You must see
the way desire bleeds from my eyes
twisting down my face in tear-rivers;
a cocktail of rust and sorrow-black napalm.

Like a trillion gallons of acid,
consumed with the utmost purity.

Somehow I know
that skin – unalloyed, porcelain skin –
and this oxidized shell, pulsating a dusty red
that comes away in cigarette smoke clouds can

never coalesce.
A metal titan in every way but this.

Your eyes are like a
foundry, molding my decaying corpse into
a homogeneous mixture, igniting my fervor,
my craving like crumpled scraps of newspaper.

Your existence, your glass blossom permanence
reminds me that

I am an iron man.

Oh wow. This is a very powerful peice, Kylan. I enjoy the strong aura of heroism-ish (?) possible bravado in the MC. I had a hard time finding fault in this, so I have only one possible criticism. Clean-up? There seems to be alot of adjectives as well as personal pronouns. Possible edit:

I am Iron Man.

With fingers like
sheet-metal silos, I grope for your radiance,
which only shatters around me
like prismatic fireflies.

Uncoordinated and
awkward.

You must see
the way desire bleeds from my eyes
twisting down my face in tear-rivers;
a cocktail of rust and sorrow-black napalm.

Like a trillion gallons of acid,
consumed with the utmost purity.

Somehow I know
that skin – unalloyed, porcelain skin –
and this oxidized shell, pulsating a dusty red
that comes away in cigarette smoke clouds can

never coalesce.
A metal titan in every way but this.

Your eyes are like a
foundry, molding my decaying corpse into
a homogeneous mixture, igniting my fervor,
my craving like crumpled scraps of newspaper.

Your existence, your glass blossom permanence
reminds me that

I am an iron man.

these bits could be removed...the phrasing would be stronger if the thing WAS rather than WAS LIKE
reducing PPs
strange word, seems a bit akwardly place

These are only suggestions. Overall, this is very well written. I have a vivid image of the Iron Man--I do hope you're referring to the superhero--and I enjoyed this alot. :]

Medusa.

I liked this, but you should put a warning on it that says that no one should read immediatley after reading your story "We All Fall Down" Where this was very good, that was totally amazing, and you kind of expect more (no offense).

Thank you both for your comments.

Medusa >> Actually, this piece has nothing to do with the superhero. I was trying to conjure up images of a big, awkward, 'heartless' being that couldn't love what he wanted to love because of restraints and inhibitions. Mainly, it's just a love poem .

CK Lynn >> I'm glad you enjoyed "We All Fall Down".

-Kylan

Ah, I see. Well, I can see that ^^

This was great. I loved it. Wow . I give it but two. Keep up the good work!

humm, this isn't it. than again, maybe?

Kylan wrote:I was trying to conjure up images of a big, awkward, 'heartless' being that couldn't love what he wanted to love because of restraints and inhibitions. Mainly, it's just a love poem :wink: .

that certainly fits the bill.