Cold love

As I sit alone in a dark room, with nothing to look at but my ripped arms. And my lonely heart of stone.
I did love him, I did.
I loved him with all my heart, my cold empty heart.
He loves me, he’s got the world at his fingertips; and me at his palm.
Does he know that I lay awake waiting for my heart to love him again. A story that lies beneath my heart, of him and a embarrass.
People say that they know what I go throw, they have no idea...
My heart feels like a hundred pounds, yet my soul doesn’t feel like anything.
Crying with the strength that’s left, I begin to wonder; why am I crying for him.
Isn’t it my fault were like this, aren’t I the one who stopped our hearts from growing together, forming into one?
Like an eagle to a storm, and fire to a burning tree.
I ended the most beautiful thing, more beautiful then a sunset, more beautiful then anything.
I have to fight to find another love, but this one I could have for free.

I see the pain in the poem, I see how much the poet had been in love, but felt the pain was still too much for the entwining bond.

I think you need to fix the line/stanza structure. Right now it's just a jumble of words that is very difficult to read.

Also, I thought it was a little cliched. Lines like "the world at his fingertips" and "more beautiful than a sunset" are used so much that they add nothing to the piece. Try using some more interesting imagery that is specific to the situation.

At the moment, this reads more like you are telling us how you felt, which doesn't engage the reader. Instead, use original words and sensory description to show us the love and the pain. Love is a very difficult subject to write about (as it lends itself to vagueness and cliches), but if you focus in and create more detail, this could become much better.

Keep writing!

Hiya!

A story that lies beneath my heart, of him and a embarrass.

The last bit didn't make sense, I liked that ine aside frm the fact it was horribly long.

Yes...

The structure and the puntuation wrecked it for me. I didn't find myself being compelled from it because of the long lines. I think it has moved away from the 'dramtic writing' and the poetry is great.

Just the structure, change it!

Keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

You HAVE to put this in stanzas or something. If you don't, it's like a big boring chunk of words and people won't like it.

I can feel the pain in this poem but maybe you can try expanding it a little and limiting your figures of speech because it's too emo that it's not nice to read anymore if you know what I mean.

Overall, it was nice, but not that exciting to read.

--casey_kent

Hello! You reviewed my poem, so I thought I'd review one of yours.


First, some nit piks.

my ripped arms

This is a pretty intense line.

He loves me, he’s got the world at his fingertips; and me at his palm.

"And me at his palm" doesn't sound quite right. Maybe "And me IN his palm."

Does he know that I lay awake waiting for my heart to love him again.

There should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.

of him and a embarrass.

Ok, a few things with this sentence: First, I don't really understand it. An embarrass? Anyway, "a" should be "an".

People say that they know what I go throw, they have no idea...

This should be "People say they know what I go through, they have no idea...

why am I crying for him.

There should be a question mark at the end of this sentence.

Isn’t it my fault were like this, aren’t I the one who stopped our hearts from growing together, forming into one?

Were should be we're.

beautiful then anything.

Should be than.

I have to fight to find another love, but this one I could have for free.

I could've had for free.

Like an eagle to a storm, and fire to a burning tree.

Love this line, but it probably should be "A storm to an eagle."

Overall, this is a pretty good poem. You probably should space it out a little more, though. Definitely keep writing!!!

Hey, I think I've reviewed some of your other works? I see real potiental in them. But, a writer's work is never done haha, there are a few areas for improvement in this:

As I sit alone in a dark room, with nothing to look at but my ripped arms. And my lonely heart of stone. (Heart of stone. Can you think of a better metaphore? This one's lost most of it's meaning from overuse)

I did love him, I did. (Good repetition)I loved him with all my heart, my cold, empty heart. (I added a comma there)

He loves me, he’s got the world at his fingertips; and me at his palm.(Great!)

Does he know that I lay awake waiting for my heart to love him again. A story that lies beneath my heart, of him and a embarrass. (Not really sure what you're trying to say)

People say that they know what I go throw, they have no idea...(Should be through)

My heart feels like a hundred pounds, yet my soul doesn’t feel like anything.

Crying with the strength that’s left, I begin to wonder; why am I crying for him.

Isn’t it my fault were like this, aren’t I the one who stopped our hearts from growing together, forming into one?(Awkward phrasing here)

Like an eagle to a storm, and fire to a burning tree.(Good)

I ended the most beautiful thing, more beautiful then a sunset, more beautiful then anything.(Again, good development- but you need better metaphores and similies)

I have to fight to find another love, but this one I could have for free. (Good ending)

So hopefully this might help. Good job on the poetry, anyway. Looking forward to reading more.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear xx

i can feel the way that the poet feels like something is her fault about the breakup that she had and feels like she has to beat herself up over it. i used to do that to, but now i only do it in poetry form, so i hope the poet knows how lucky she is to posses the power to write out how she feels in such a very interestingly vivid way.

-LOVE IT!!!!!!

Hello, the name of this poem drew me in right away I HAD to read it. But I disliked how it ended. The last stanza was hard to read and I was confoused but the best thing to do is to put your emotion out there and let people feel what you feel and for me. I just wasn't getting it. Hope this wasn't too harsh, good luck writing! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
-Max