Snowbird

Fly softly over my fields
When you shake your feathers loose
Sing slowly down
Lilting
On frozen air like slices of glass

Sit softly by my window
When you tremble in the cold
Call silently out
Eyes
Pleading like the winter for a breath of warmth

Sing softly by my fireplace
When I have let you in
Sugar-coo sweetly
Voice
Singing out in gushes, the breath of the wind

Melt softly by the blaze
When the fire's harshness roars
Fade away feather
Puddle
Of my Snowbird, Winter's tears upon the floor

This is really good!

I'm not an expert when it comes to poetry, so please excuse me if I tell you something that would ruin your whole poem...

Okay. This is kind of weird; while I was reading it I really liked it but now, afterwards, it's kind of like it just slid through my mind and didn't leave much of an impression. That might just be me, but I think you need to work on clarifying your message.

Oh, and this:

1dering at stars wrote:Sing slowly down

--I'm not sure the word "sing" works very well there. I think you should pick a different word.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

Hmm...I think you've done a good job, but the last paragraph is a little confusing... for me.
I like your use of words. Keep writing!

Really Good! I like it a lot! I saw this on your coffee table and began reading it. I never finished it, but now that I've finished it, I love it! It's very meaningful too!
Missing you.
Ana

1dering at stars,


Ah, yes, the classic string of descriptions that leads the reader nowhere and leaves him with nothing new. The lines you have here simply stay atop the surface; overall, it reads like a descriptive paragraph befuddled by an over-active Return key.


Best,
Brad

Everyone-
Thanks for the comments, sorry if it was a little confusing. Maybe I should have made it more clear, I'll try some changes, thanks for all your help!

Ana- I'm glad you liked it, I miss you to!

Incandescence- I'm sorry you didn't like it. You said "The lines you have here simply stay atop the surface...." It wasn't meaningful?
The lines are not simply description if you really understand them. It was meaningful to me and I was pretty sure it would be to other people. I think that everyone has to find their own meaning in a poem, even if it is not the same meaning as it is for the author. My poem did have meaning, just not for you, if that makes sense?
Perhaps you would have some helpful advice to make a change in it for the better? Then I could actually do something to fix it and make it have more meaning for you.
Anyways, thanks for the review!

Each stanza only rehashes what was said in the previous one. As a result, there is little new by the end which begs the question why read to the end at all?

I really, really want to like the idea of a bird made of snow, realized and melting, but there isn't enough here to really let me see it. It's like saying "look, isn't my CD so cool? Oh, no, you can't listen to it". It's teasing.

Stick with the first and last stanzas; the middle two are monotonous, and describe more how the bird is made, how it is destructed, and what that all means to the "me" in the poem. Otherwise, what am I supposed to care about? And if the answer's nothing, then why read the poem at all?

My thoughts on it are like that of Amelia's, however, instead of getting rid of them entirely, I'd keep parts and revise them. for instance, I like the first two lines of the second stanza, and the last line of the third. I'd just Maybe use them to maybe perhaps add more to the character of the bird, if that makes any sense. Might also make it seem a bit more powerful when the snowbird melts.

Although, I also think parts of the piece weren't quite worded well. For instance: "like slices of glass?" I'd rather use "Like shards." Slices just doesn't add anything to it's meaning, and it doesn't sound particularly interesting.

Also, the last stanza just seems to be thrown, there is no flow. I'd suggest scrapping the last three lines and redoing it.

Overall, I thought it was ok. It has potential! Keep writing!

Fly softly over my fields
When you shake your feathers loose
Sing slowly down
Lilting
On frozen air like slices of glass - nice stanza.

Sit softly by my window -
When you tremble in the cold
Call silently out
Eyes
Pleading like the winter for a breath of warmth - This line could do better.

Sing softly by my fireplace
When I have let you in
Sugar-coo sweetly - I dont' follow.
Voice
Singing out in gushes, the breath of the wind

Melt softly by the blaze
When the fire's harshness roars - the ness in harsh is unessecary.
Fade away feather - (s)
Puddle
Of my Snowbird, Winter's tears upon the floor

Wow. Pretty good poem. But there is always room for improvement!! I liked this poem, about the snowbird. You worded the poem beautifully. I liked how you said, "breath of wind."

KEEP WRITING.

What I like about this is that I tried to interpret it into something else, and there was more than one thing that I thought it could mean. Your description is good, and I like how you singled out eyes and voice. I liked your structure. Good job.

best I've seen so far!
I don't think I have much to suggest, and I'm sorry for that
though I think it wise to use some comma's maybe?
if those are allowed in poetry, that is
keep on rockin

great! I give it a 10/10

I think I've fallen in love with this poem. The imagery is simply brilliant and it carrys the enitre thing, leaving pictures in my mind.
Nice job

Thank you for your kind/helpful comments everyone.