Cancerous Dreams

Her body became over taken,
her flawless curls bounced
as she had swayed her hips.

Every bystander had watched
as beauty radiated
through out the room.
A crowd formed as she
continued to dance letting her
emotions pour onto the dance floor.

She knew that at that night
it would probably be her last
time to dance like that again...

As she danced she had numerous
flash backs to the day before..
when she got most horrible news.
Soon it would become her enemy
that would linger on with her...
for the rest of her life.

Her dreams of becoming a
Broadway dancer...
life..
laughter..
love..
all became shattered.

Now she could only
dream of being able
to have that same feeling
again.

As her knees grew week
and her heart hollow
she no longer had the strength
to dance nor even speak.
It began to hold her back from
everything..
Even her breathing.

Overtaken with disease.
As the cancer ate her memories away,
along with her life...

Alrighty, let's see what I can do here...

Every by-stander [Bystander--one word ^^] watched, [Delete comma]
as beauty was spread
through out the room.
A crowd formed as she
continued to dance, letting her
emotions [s]poor[/s] pour onto the dancefloor.

]

Now, she can only
dream of being able
to have that same feeling,
again.

Delete both commas.

Her mind has been
overtaken with diesease. [Delete this punctuation]
[s]As[/s] as [s]the[/s] [Sounded better to me without 'the' ^^;] cancer eats her memories away, [Delete comma]
along with her life...

Overall, it was really short. It was written very well. I had a couple goosebumps on my arms. That's always a good sign. You have something here.

I think you could lengthen it a little so the reader could get attached with the girl a bit more? Then, in the end, we'll feel more sorry for her. I mean, I know it's bad that someone has cancer and now she can't dance anymore. I didn't really feel her joy in dancing though. You know what I mean? I sure hope so.

Otherwise, very good. I'm not a poet, so as an amateur poet myself, I thought it was pretty good. It just could have been longer, like I said earlier.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

I like the poem.....little bit of spelling errors....but spell check can help that. Anyway keep writing!

Kudos on a really good poem. I think the major issue was that there wasn't enough angst. Humanity has this darn infatuation with tragedy, and cancer is pretty tragic if you ask me. Make us really feel for this girl. A think you have done this already, to an extent, but it needs a little more.

Tell us about her rosy skin, now pale and splochy from chemo. Tell us about the way the blood bounded in her ears that night, how she craves that feeling again.

On the other hand, I really liked a lot of what you had going on there. I could copy out each fragment that was awesome, but mostly i liked all of it. Just I think it could more of most of it. Capiche?

Write on
Aussie

This poem was good, though not used to its potential.

The major problem was the cancer at the end--yes, it's a tragedy--but it really disappoints the reader. You begin with this lovely image and then drop it as fast a 2-ton piece of rock. Instead, you should have stuck with the image you started it--or started with the cancer and ended with the cancer, with the beauty in the middle.

This "surprise" effect does not actually make us FEEL for the girl more than a tiny "aww, so sad". If you really want to sting, don't just tell us about the cancer (good idea to actually not use the word)--show us.

"She stands up, frail and old
from her pale bed
and tries to dance the dance
of years gone by,
but she only falls with trembling knees
and sobs." would be a better concluding stanza.

as beauty was spread
Radiated, perhaps?

First off, good poem. Its ideas are very original and interesting.

However, the main mistake here is that the reader has no feelings for the woman in the poem. You want the reader to feel emotion when they are through reading. Just make the whole thing more dramatic, maybe even more morbid, so it feels like a true tragedy that she has cancer.

Also, tell us why the cancer is preventing her from dancing.

Keep it up!