crusade

when you looked at me on that starry night
i thought, don't watch me, i'm scared of bloodshed
but you were born on the ides of march
and so far, only my hands are shaking
your explosive tongues aim at me
fed by gunpowderedbox lodged in throat
and all i can do is look at the grass
and cry softly, i don't wanna die
i don't wanna die.
but fate is remote-controlled
and you can't choose to kill me
even if the sabre poised in your right hand
shines bright.

this poem belongs in a book. i dont know why, but it just reminded me of one of those poems you read in the middle of a good book and you wonder, "hm, i wonder who wrote that."

however, the first two lines seemed kind of chopped up to me. i had to force myself to read them--they didn't seem as interesting as the rest of the poem.

I started out reading it and thought, Okay a love poem, but was then thrown so competly off I had to begin again. You might mean it to be like this, but I found it more irritating or confusing, not abrubt enouph, perhaps, or too abrupt.

Don't forget capitalization. You should capitalize the first letter in each sentence. The Is, too.

Kyte, you don't have to capitalise things in poetry. There's no rule. Anyway, this poem is almost three years old. I hate when stuff like this gets resurrected.

When I was reading this, I was thinking, 'this isn't up to Jack's usual standard.' Then I looked at the date and it all made sense. ^_^