To a Gentleman

Yeah....I was tired, fed up and had been reading Plath. So voila. The first thing I've posted for quite a time.


Why is it that I love you?
Kisses aren’t reason
To love a man are they?

Your perfect mouth,
Your red mouth
Has teeth in it anyway;
Sharp teeth

You bastard! You
Don’t care.
You never cared did you?
You’re just sex and drugs;
You don’t like rock and roll.

Oh Christ…
Those little sinful slices;
They’re not yours! Those
Are mine! And mine alone!
You can’t seem,
To make up your little mind.
Stay.

Leave.
I don’t care.
Yeah
That’s bullshit.

Stay!
Vampire stay and
I’ll bend my neck,
Turn my cheek.

I like this! Your voice is strong, and your use of language really gets the point across.

This is pretty scarce in the imagery department, but that doesn't mean it's weak... I like it anyway.

And this is by far the best part:

You’re just sex and drugs;
You don’t like rock and roll.

So, good job on this. I'm glad you're posting again!

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

Okay, step by step review now. It's a lot easier;

First & Second stanzas: I think in this you need a little more punctuation on the second line; 'cause the second and third line are jolty and abrupt, meaning that they dont really connet together in the way they should.
The second confused me and made me laugh a little - I don;t know if this was purposely - but the thing that annoys me about it is that you state the obvious and do not use imagery that much to put the point acros. You tell and don't show. Also, the usage of the word "mouth" in the two consecutive lines is not needed, it makes the stanza seem off putting.

Third & Fourth stanzas: I liked the use of the language in the third stanza, it puts the point across that the author is angry but it doesn't work too well in this emotional state with the first two stanzas. You need to use the powerful language throughout to create and make the reader feel the anger. Also, again, the usage of the word "you" in a lot of different forms is just too much for the stanza.
Your line structure in the fourth stanza is a little off-putting and affects the flow of the stanza completely. You have started the beginning of a line on the line before and then carried it on without any punctuation. This may just be personal preference though, so ignore at will. I like how the feeling of possessiveness kicks in. [I know I spelt that wrong ^^]

Fifth & Sixth stanzas: These last two confused me a lot, especially the last. The shortness and abrupt nature of them both creates a downer that the poem creates and that's a pity. You're language and punctuation create the feeling of the anger in the author, but I think it would be better structured all together in one stanza.

Hope this helps.

^-^
Thanks for the crits! I was really worried about the punctuation myself to tell the truth, but I'm trying a few different arrangements. The flow in some places is annoyingly jolty I know but grammer/punctuation is one of my big weaknesses.

Oh Imagery....how bad I am at you.....XD