Shadows

This is the first poem i've written in a while, as I mainly prefer to write stories, but anyway, read, enjoy and all constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Thank you.



As I lay here on this cold night,
I wonder will I ever again see the light.
Slowly the darkness is swallowing me,
As if someone has locked me in the room and thrown away the key.
A small sliver of moonlight descends upon the floor,
Eerie shadows are cast upon the door.

I am helpless, there is no thing I can do,
The shadows have come to devour me and soon they will come for you too.
I try to escape, try to get away,
But I am not in control of my body, it is not giving way.
I make one last feeble attempt, try to reach my light switch,
But the shadows are closing in on me, like water seeping into a ditch.
I try to scream, but the shadows enter my mouth, into my throat,
They paint me inside out in a thick black coat.

They won't cease their vicious onslaught,
This is my fate, it cannot be fought.
So I clear my mind and try to keep my thoughts at bay,
For this is my final day.

Nikiller -


This fails for several reasons.

1. An overabundance of first-person references, much in the form of a diary entry.

2. Arbitrary linebreaks with an erratic rhyme-scheme.

3. Over-modified, purple imagery notable only for its ability to induce nausea.

Reading some decent poetry might help you a little, but what this shows me is that you need more than just a good reading regiment: you need structure and form, and these things you must read about, take note of while reading other poets, and practice in your own writing.

Junk this.


Best,
Brad

The flow/structure needs work. I like a lot of your word choice though.