Hmm...
First line was too long...
You used the word like a bit too much.
This seems a bit too... depressing.
I liked the end.
Hmm... shorten first line, get rid of some likes and maybe use bigger words, this was pretty simple... I knew what was going on... like you were telling me face to face what everything was down to the last dull detail. Sorry, but it wasn't interesting -- it was good, but not interesting.
Welcome to the YWS Poetry forums; I am glad you've decided to join us here--if you're willing to try, you can learn a lot from our diverse group.
However, posting this was not such a good decision.
Was this supposed to evoke empathy from me? What do your word-choice, line-breaks, and imagery (in this case, your lack of) do to further the poem, other than detract from it?
Fill out the proper EPA forms and toss this.
Take care,
Brad
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson
Yeah compared to other lines the first line was too long
This was a bit vague to me.
Good try.
Keep writing.
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh.
