Bright Before November

I thought one-word lines were ridiculous and indicative of beginner-leverl work.

Anyway,

I thought the deliberate lack of comma's in the first two stanza's strange, especially when you used it in the third and fourth.

This time of year leaves

as creeks run scarcely they

These two sentences. Awkward. Intentionally? It's as if your trying to make run-on images, in the sense that they overlap. In any case if your going to keep 'leaves' and 'they' (both the beginnings of new actions or images) in the same line as shown^ then I suggest you use commas.

It's somewhat like a ramble now as if your not taking a breath.

Of course Brad, I can't really critique but I kinda affree with Yellow Boy up there.

I liked it though, of course it's nearly 6 AM in the damn mornign and your words caught my eye, once again. I liked this... I thought it was quite funny when you talked about the girls though.

Hi Guys,


Thank you, for reading and responding. I very much appreciate your willingness to speculate.


Jiggity,


The one word lines are probably intrinsically irritating...but I think each forces a certain useful pause. Lastly, I am pleased that you cannot immedately ascertain the start or stop of a sentence: I think we are part of a world that shares that particular conclusion: where does anything begin and how can we know when it's over?


Regards,
Brad

Hey Brad. I don't like the pauses. Especially how you break the paragraph in between them... But I know you'd hardly care about my opinion.

Nice symbolism, but basically..to the outsider, it looks like nothing more than that of an attempt.

I enjoy the wording, but I think the way you cut the lines kind of murders the flow. I can see a very good poem before my eyes, except the line breaks just aren't where they would function best.

Hi all,


Thanks for taking the time to read and respond. I will consider your comments in future versions.


xanthan_gum--


The pauses, as said before, are probably irritating because of their very status of pauses as such. I always appreciate it when someone has taken their time to waste it on my drivel.


Jester--


The flow is broken repeatedly in the same way; it is intentional. I do understand the desire to have everything flow symmetrically, though, and I will work on this in future revisions.


Take care,
Brad

This poem is okay. I can't really decide if I like it or not. You used some nice imagery, but the flow is what gets me. On one hand, I can see why you broke it up this way. It forces the reader to actually read the words, not just skim, and each idea flows right into a new one. On the other hand, something inside of me really likes things that fit perfectly and have even rhythm.

Hello again! I actually did like where you broke it up. It's edging on choppy in some places though and I think you might want to insert some commas.

Also how you made it a interchanging sentence made it's own flow but here:

marbled linoleum floors girls
speak

as creeks run scarcely they
cover their mouths flee

It's really just confusing and doesn't make much sense. I really think that you should put a comma after 'speak' and before 'flee'. It might change the flow but I think it'll help the reader in the long run.

Good luck!

Okay, right, so I owe you.

This time of year leaves
rain gold and yellow down
into the bowl below
the road home
from

black gaunt tangled limbs
of half-bared trees onto

Here, you transition from the raining gold down into a more sinister view - perhaps a stage of growing up, sadness, or winter? I'm assuming adolescence.

voiceless little girls
at play in leather

shoes, long wool stockings, long
skirts

Do their outfits represent school uniform, as in conservative? Do they make a time-set? Or are you trying to imply a sexual theme, this being the innocent stage -- covered up?

stir up
the tender coins of fallen
leaves into those

still middling free.

Was that meant to be a huge run-on sentance?

With snow
big girls come slide
the ice
on sturdy oxfords

as i once did in
sox across brown-
marbled linoleum floors girls

Floors girls? What?

speak

as creeks run scarcely they
cover their mouths flee
further in
to the forest.

It came out better in the ending. You gained confidence as you continued.

It's not symbolism, no. You explained your point, and your reasoning is just. However, I think the far by fairest poem is one that incorporates all levels of greatness in poetry. Then again, you have the argument of style. But since I cannot pinpoint a pattern in your poetry over the past two years of your life, not much can be said there.

All in all, you may be critically acclaimed, but, as you said, we enjoy poetry delivered on silver platters here on YWS. I cannot protest that, as it is rightly true, but if you don't break out the tea trays then I can't assure you that anybody will favor you. Knowing this, you have no reason to be sour and surprised by the critiques you receive. There are other programs and writing sites.

xanthan_gum,


Thanks for returning.

Your questions conjure to me the power of language to equivocate meaning--perhaps, for the first and second sets, it is all three? The obvious direct image for the first stanza is that it has just become autumn and on the way home there is some kind of "bowl" in which leaves collect (possibly a valley)--but there's always meaning under images.

Sentences do not exist in poetry, but yes, the breathlessness is intended throughout.

"floors girls" should give you hesitation; the poem is about adolescence, in a sense, but the more important aspect is growing up. In a previous response, I noted that the poem plays with the endlessly running language of the world; the way we do not stop or declare ourselves as speakers. Part of growing up is accepting this process language undergoes and being able to insert appropriate grammatical structure.

In effect, this is an attempt to make the very form part of the content.


All the best,
Brad