Breaking Dawn Parody

Winter's Twelfth Night · 2009-01-04T23:57:37Z

Breaking Dawn Parody, Script Characters: Edward Bella Charlie Priest Carlisle Rosalie Jacob Stephenie Meyer Winter's Twelfth Night BELLA: [sitting in car waiting for EDWARD] Oh my gosh, I hate Edward for giving me this amazing car! I definitely should not be grateful. It makes me feel so self-conscious! EDWARD: [walks over to car and opens door] Bella! [Flings himself on her] I haven’t seen you for like...like… a whole hour! I thought you were dead! Don’t ever, ever, leave me like that again! You didn’t even call me. BELLA: Edward, I just had to get a sweatshirt from Charlie’s house. I was gone for like ten minutes. Why are you freaking out? I’m not dead. EDWARD: Oh. Right. Well then I forgive you. But you better watch your behavior, young lady. I’m an extremely hot, perfect guy and I’m sure that I could find another fiancé who won’t go missing for whole hours. BELLA: What?!? [faints and then goes into New Moon mode] EDWARD: Oh crap, I forgot about that. Bella? I didn’t mean it. Come on, you’re being so dramatic. BELLA: [sits up really quickly at the sound of EDWARD’s voice and smacks her head on the ceiling of the car] Ow. EDWARD IS THAT YOU???!!! Oh my God, I thought I would have to kill myself. [flings herself on EDWARD] EDWARD: Ummm….. [Cut to the wedding. BELLA is standing at the end of the aisle with CHARLIE. They begin to walk.] BELLA: [aside to CHARLIE] Yay Daddy! I’m getting marr- [Trips on nothing and falls on her face] CHARLIE: God, Bella, you’re so uncoordinated. BELLA: [gets up from floor with a bloodstained dress] Dad my nose is broken. It’s bleeding everywhere. CHARLIE: [chuckles] You’ll be fine. Keep walking. [They proceed down the aisle creating a trail of blood drops. EDWARD is trying very hard not to break into a fit of giggles. They reach the altar and the PRIEST says all the marriage stuff] PRIEST: You may now kiss the bride. [BELLA smiles, the lower part of her face is caked in blood] EDWARD: Oh, um, ok. [Grimaces and quickly kisses BELLA, who frowns. Everyone claps and they all leave for dinner.] [Cut to dinner] BELLA: [walks over to EDWARD and slaps him. Her hand goes flying across the room and hits ROSALIE in the back of the head. ROSALIE screams] Ow! My hand! It’s gone! Your face took my hand off! EDWARD: Wait, what? I didn’t feel anything. Oh I’m sorry, were you trying to hurt me? [falls on the floor laughing hysterically] BELLA: Edward! My hand is detached from my body!! Stop rolling on the floor! Somebody go get Carlisle! [CARLISLE staggers over to BELLA and falls on top of EDWARD, giggling uncontrollably. Apparently he has had a little too much wine.] BELLA: Oh screw this, I’m gonna go talk to Jacob. [BELLA walks over to where JACOB is sulking in a corner] BELLA: Hey Jacob. Look what Edward did to my hand. [Shows her bloody stump of an arm] Doesn’t that make you angry? Don’t you want to fight him now? JACOB: Yes. I love you. You love me too. Look, I grew my hair long for you. And I’m smiling. Will you make out with me in front of everyone in the room? BELLA: Well, I don’t know. I’m married now, I’m not sure if I should do that. JACOB: Come on Bella. It doesn’t count if your husband is a vampire. BELLA: Really? Well ok then. [JACOB and BELLA make out very passionately. Intense moment. EDWARD sees and marches over to them. DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHH!] EDWARD: I KILL YOU!!!!! [Kills Jacob with his incredible vampire blood-sucking abilities!] JACOB: [dies] BELLA: OMG Edward! That was not very nice! Why would you do that? Why?? He was my only friend!! Now apologize. EDWARD: Apologize? But Bella, I don’t think you understand- BELLA: Edward, apologize to him NOW! EDWARD: But- ok. I’m sorry Jacob. BELLA: Thank you. I’m sure he forgives you. STEPHENIE MEYER: [suddenly appears next to EDWARD and BELLA] I think I need to add a few more words to this script to make it good. Let’s see… umm… well God-like, of course. What else… dazzle. And… umm... topaz. And beautiful. Masochistic, for sure. And cold and icy. And God-like. And icy. DAZZLE! There, perfect. You may continue with your script now. WINTER'S TWELFTH NIGHT: Umm, thanks. You just ruined my script. Now I can’t continue because of the horrid repetition. STEPHENIE MEYER: Hey, using those words makes me sound smart. Without them my story would be lacking good word choice. WINTER: Well, it already lacks plot and interesting characters so why not add a little repetition? I understand completely. STEPHENIE MEYER: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WINTER: So, you enjoy writing about nothing, then? MEYER: Oh yes I- OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! [runs over to CARLISE who is still giggling on the ground] That looks like FUN!! [lies down on the ground and giggles uncontrollably next to CARLISLE] EDWARD: Is that the one that wrote my story? BELLA: I believe that it is in fact my story, Edward. EDWARD: Ha! I laugh at you! If it were not for my beautifulness this series would not have sold even ten copies. BELLA: But I'm uncoordinated! Isn't that fun to read about? WINTER: It's fun to watch! BELLA: [falls on MEYER] MEYER: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! WEEEEEEE!!!! EDWARD: Bella!! Are you ok? BELLA: [Starts to sob] [EDWARD picks BELLA up off the ground and comforts her] EDWARD: It's ok Bella. It's ok. Stephenie Meyer won't hurt you. WINTERr: [Rolls her eyes and leaves] MEYER: [suddenly becomes serious and stands up] Or will I? Maybe I am the Volturi in disguise!! EDWARD: Nice disguise. MEYER: Why thank you! My son made it for me. Isn't it beautiful? EDWARD: Quite. BELLA: Edward she's going to hurt me again! Don't let her hurt me!!!! EDWARD: No no, Bella. This is the person that CREATED you! And more importantly, she is the one who created ME! BELLA: Oh, ok then. MEYER: Or am I?

PerpetualBhridge

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Points 1690

Reviews 11

Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:40 pm

PerpetualBhridge says... · Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:40 pm

Ahahahaha, I usually don't go for parodies, but this was hilarious. It was absolutely fantastic, usually subtlety is more effective, but I think this style works for a Breaking Dawn parody. Very nice

You're the first thirteen year old, besides myself (last year) I've ever, er, seen, for lack of a better word, that isn't in love with Twilight, which is kind of sad

"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."-Douglas Adams

all.things.disney

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Fri Jan 09, 2009 3:41 am

all.things.disney says... · Fri Jan 09, 2009 3:41 am

haha. it may not have been well written--but it was hilarious! and im a hardcore twilight fan! that was actually really funny

.:Echelon:.

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Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:42 am

.:Echelon:. says... · Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:42 am

Wow that was amazing ((grins)) I love twilight but that was so funny.

Every rose has it's thorn..
Just like every night has it's dawn.

I've matured a lot and I realised it was time to come back.. for good!

danielle_that_girl15

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Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:07 am

danielle_that_girl15 says... · Tue Jan 13, 2009 12:07 am

I am not trying to be rude at all. But the way that you portray the characters is not right. It doesn't have that much detail to go with it. I cannot like the story for discreninating agianst the Twilight serise so much, since i love the serise. Other than that it was quiet funny and you are a great writer. Keep up the work!

-Danielle

Chloe(:

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Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:33 pm

Chloe(: says... · Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:33 pm

Hahahaha!
Wow that was funny.
As you probably can see I'm a big twilight fan *points to picture*
I mean if this was the real twilight it wouldn't sell
But I thought it was great

Formerly known as Vivacious.

Full of Cliches:a challenge to see who can write a piece with the most cliches.

huggybear123

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Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:23 am

huggybear123 says... · Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:23 am

Thank you so much! I absolutley hate Twilight. The author cant go a whole page without gushing about Edward PUKE! She only really created a sick fantasy world for disturbed fangirls!
These were the most boring,overrated, terrible pieces of literature of all time. The author is pretty much ripping off every other vampire romance novel, and she honestly is only writing these books because she A. has a sick psychotic crush on edward cullen or B she thinks she has talent. SHE CANT EVEN Write a real story! TWILIGHT SUCKS!

Sparrow

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Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:24 am

Sparrow says... · Fri Jan 16, 2009 4:24 am

Lmao this is funny but you forgot to mention the sex that takes place throughout the whole damn book. But i think this was hilarious!! Do you have any other parodies of the Twilight books? If so please message me so i can look them up! Keep writing!!

"America is my country and Paris is my hometown"
-Gertrude Stein

alicat159

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Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:10 am

alicat159 says... · Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:10 am

Hi! I started reading Twilight about 3 weeks ago (finished all the books within a week) and I love it. I'm not an obsessed fan like my friends (they have shirts, posters, jewelry, the whole lot!) but I did enjoy it. Though I have to say that Edward was a little sappy. Like when he was gushing about how much he missed Bella, using metaphors of stars and comets (excuse me... comet) but I thought it was nice. I hated all the attention it got when it first came out, because I was sure that other books deserved it more. But after I read it, I have to say that it was really sweet.
I agree on the fact that New Moon wasn't the best book ever. It was by far my least favorite. But there is no way that I would refer to the Twilight saga as "the most boring,overrated, terrible pieces of literature of all time." :roll:

I thought your story was extremely offensive toward Stephenie Meyer.(I don't see you having any published stories!) I did smile when I read the scene where Jacob is asking Bella to make out with him. Funny and so true! (I'm not a Jacob fan. At all.) But, I just can't really bring myself to like this. Sorry.

-Ali

~ "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it." -- Duck Soup
~ "Was she in there before you baked it?" (Gomez refers to the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party) -- Addams Family Values

Just_dream

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Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:53 am

Just_dream says... · Fri Jan 16, 2009 5:53 am

Cool, I love it!

Lost_in_dreamland

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Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:07 pm

Lost_in_dreamland says... · Sun Jan 18, 2009 10:07 pm

Hilarious *claps* absolutely genius

I love you so much for this

It was amazing. Hahahah
I can't even comment 'cuz my stomach is sore from laughing *lols*
crap review, much? :lol:

Anyway, a gold star is in order. Most definitely.

~Kirsten
xxx

for what are we without words and stories?

rothwise

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Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:00 am

rothwise says... · Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:00 am

i was laughing....SO HARD.

my favorite line is this one:

"CHARLIE: [chuckles] You’ll be fine. Keep walking."

just..the Keep Walking part just made me laugh for liek four minutes straight!! i applaude you, adieu adieu.

Have faith! With a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?

Antigone Cadmus

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Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:15 am

Antigone Cadmus says... · Tue Jan 20, 2009 2:15 am

danielle_that_girl15 wrote:I am not trying to be rude at all. But the way that you portray the characters is not right. It doesn't have that much detail to go with it. I cannot like the story for discreninating agianst the Twilight serise so much, since i love the serise.
-Danielle

It's exactly right! All she did was take shallow characters and exaggerate their personalities. That's normally what you do in a parody. You should also use spell check. ^_^
To all Twilight obsess-ees who read this: Chill out. She never said she hated Twilight. It's just a parody.

Anyway...

On with the review!

This was really, really funny. There aren't really any nit-picks.

If you write another one, Bella should be blinded by Edward since he sparkles so much.

Good luck with the contest!

A Not-so-fan of Twilight,
~~~Sakura~~~

Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85

PhoenixBishop

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Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:36 pm

PhoenixBishop says... · Tue Jan 20, 2009 11:36 pm

It's refreshing to read this because I was starting to think I was crazy for hating the books. This was funny and yet so true.

Last edited by PhoenixBishop on Mon Feb 01, 2010 4:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~

Winter's Twelfth Night

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Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:31 am

Winter's Twelfth Night says... · Thu Jan 22, 2009 2:31 am

Thanks for reviewing/commenting to everyone who liked it/didn't like it! And thanks for the gold stars! I love writing these, they're such a great way to waste time. I have written a New Moon Parody (I know I'm doing this out of order) and it is in the script section. I'm not done with it and it's not as good as this one yet, but it will be soon!

It's exactly right! All she did was take shallow characters and exaggerate their personalities. That's normally what you do in a parody. You should also use spell check. ^_^
To all Twilight obsess-ees who read this: Chill out. She never said she hated Twilight. It's just a parody.

Yay! Somebody finally gets this! Thank you so much Sakura! Right, if I haven't stressed this enough, I'm not trying to offend Stephenie Meyer or her series and I don't hate Twilight (all that much.) This was written purely for entertainment purposes. Please don't feel that I am insulting you if you are a Twilight fan, because I am not.

Anyway, thanks again everyone! More parodies are coming!

-Winter

Mamillius: Merry or sad shall’t be?
Hermione: As merry as you will.
Mamillius: A sad tale’s best for winter. I have one
Of sprites and goblins.
The Winter's Tale

lxtmidnight

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Mon Jan 26, 2009 8:36 pm

lxtmidnight says... · Mon Jan 26, 2009 8:36 pm

XD XD AIR PLEASE...!

My Favorite Parts:

EDWARD: It's ok Bella. It's ok. Stephenie Meyer won't hurt you.

and

STEPHENIE MEYER: [suddenly appears next to EDWARD and BELLA] I think I need to add a few more words to this script to make it good. Let’s see… umm… well God-like, of course. What else… dazzle. And… umm... topaz. And beautiful. Masochistic, for sure. And cold and icy. And God-like. And icy. DAZZLE! There, perfect. You may continue with your script now.

Great Parody, can't wait for more

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
-Cyril Connolly

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