The Pain of losing you

Pain is a black abyss that pulls you down. I'm lost in the dark and I can't find my way out. If this it what losing you is like I don't want to bear it.
I wish I coul cry for you but I cry in anger. Red rages through me and I long for you cooling touch of green.
I see your cold face but it's not yours. Your firey spirit is missing.
Gray is the color of my world now.Thera are faint lights surrounding me but none are brighter than your's was.
Oh' how I miss your green eyes you firey spirit.I long to hear your voice.
I long to turn but I'm Luke Skywalker and I can't. I wish I could shed this burden but I can't.

I don't normally read fanfiction, but as far as I know, even fan fiction should have a well structured plot so... instead of having Luke just rant and cry and sob, make him do something. Give it action, a conflict, something, because writing isn't a blog - it's something for people to enjoy.

Don't make your characters lie around and mope - make them do something about their problems, or no one will care.

This was described well, except for one thing. Who did he lose? The style of your writing suggests that we, the readers, should know who he has lost, but I sure don't.

And if this is one of those "make up your own story behind the words" things, then whoops. I'll get on it.

Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin

Muffin, he lost Mara!
You'll only get this if you've read Sacrifice..

Omg, Alanna..this seriously made me cry!
It's so great..you really capture the essence of Mara, and what she meant to Luke!

You really did a good job!

PM me if you have anything you want me to read.


~Roge Jedi Master Timea

I'd say that this is pretty feelingless as far as it goes. I am sure that Luke feels his loss very strongly, but as the reader, what do we feel? What connection do we have to Mara? Why should we miss her as he does? Why should we cry for her as he does?

Why should we care?

~Hair

It was really good. It made me feel empty... Which is good for me! You suprised me with the Skywalker thing at the end. Were you talking about Mara Jade? Of course you were. Anyway I really liked it. As you can see I'm not to good at criting poetry. Forgive me!

~Pol

Bessie, the emo cow, says:

Eeeeeemoooooooo.

Sorry. This didn't do anything for me.

See, the thing about writing is that even if the readers don't know what you're talking about, you should still make them care.

I've never read whatever you're referencing, and I don't care to. All I got out of this was "dark, emo, empty soul" and it really did not make me care. It wasn't a solid emotion.

Make us care. And don't just do a monologue -- it takes a lot of skill to make a monologue work, and you're not there yet. Add it in with some action. What's he doing while thinking this? Is he looking at holograms, perhaps? Studying old memories?

Toss and start over. Make us care.

Right. I wouldn't have thought raving and blubbing was Luke's style at all. And you ought to make it clearer who he's lost for those of us who don't read SW fanfiction and have only seen the movies. Like moi. Put OOMPH into this, make it more emotional, and check out the typos.

ok!

If you've heard of Mara Jade..you'd probably had to have read SW books or play some roleplaying games..or something!
If you didn't..you are SERIOUSLY missing out!

~Rogue Jedi Master Timea

Your descriptions and colors are great, but does this really belong in fanfiction? If it does, what is it from? It's really good anyway...if it's not really a fanfic, maybe you should post it in some catagory of poetry...also, it seems short, so adding some length to it would make it better...

Good luck and a great start to something!

~Deoris

It does it's playing with Luke ASkywalker's emotions.
It also is based off of a event in Star Wars Legacy of the Force Sacrifice.