The Legend of Zelda: The Mask of Truth

This is a fanfic I wrote a while ago, comments and constructive criticism is appreciated. I'll post a couple chapters a day. And with that...


Prologue: The Ties of Shadow

The setting sun disappeared beneath the smoke-ringed mountain. The clock rung twelve 'o clock midnight, and the town's denizens gathered in the town square. As the fireworks lit up the sky, a a solitary figure walked out of town. The man had a large pack, and a sallow, yellowish face, with an awkward looking grin, and an enormous rucksack filled with who-knows-what. As the man walked through the shadow, going on to the swamp to sell his goods, the light changed. Not to afternoon sun, not pitch-black, but something in-between...

"Dusk?" he thought, "no, not dusk...this is very strange." He chuckled, "but I've seen stranger."

As he wondered what could have brought on the change, a figure limped forward out of the darkness, clothed in a black cloak, and even blacker armor.

"Ah! Hello!" cried the Happy Mask Salesman, "would you like to buy a mask?"

"I would like a mask," said the figure, "but I don't have any rupees."

"Why, that's alright! I can easily set you up for our...wait, what are you doing...I...I...AAARGHHH!!!”

The man smiled, sheathing his blood-smothered blade.

"I think this method is simpler."

He reached into the sack, and pulled out a mask, one which would disturb anyone else who saw it. It had a label on it saying "This mask's power is gone, now it's just for decoration."

"Its power is gone...yes...that's what you might think...my old mask. I think I'll put you back to proper use. Heh heh heh, ha ha ha ha...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

What I would suggest, Zaw, is to describe the setting a little more. Also, when does this all happen? Is it the same day, or is it over the course of a couple of days? Who and why does this guy have... the other guys mask? What makes the mask so disturbing to see?
Also, I think you should build a little more suspense towards the killing of the Happy Mask Man. All of it seems very sudden. If you add more description in the beginning, such as something like this:

“The man limped from the shadows, His cloak a billowing cloud of darkness as he approached. The Happy Mask Man gazed at the lackluster armor in some anxiety.”

Also, don’t base your story too much off of any of the games. People will look at it and think they already know what is happening, which might make them lose interest. Maybe if you gave the Happy Mask Man a name, it would sound more original. It would also be easier to write and read.

“The man smiled, sheathing his blood-smothered blade.”
“Smothered” implies suffocation, or something like it. Maybe “stained” or “spattered” would work. The paragraph before this should be combined with this sentence, such as:

“Why that’s alright. I’ll set you up for-”
The man fell to the ground, dead before he finished his sentence. The man smiled, sheathing his blood stained sword.”


"I would like a mask," said the figure, "but I don't have any rupees."

The character obviously doesn’t care if he has rupees or not. If you took out the second part of the sentence, it should do just fine.

"This mask's power is gone, now it's just for decoration."

Maybe something a little more powerful. “Its power was sucked into the winds of time!!!” Sounds a little better (I was exaggerating a little).

At the end, instead of writing out the mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, you should say something like “With a maniacal laugh the man disappeared into thin air” or……. Something like that.

I like your Prologue’s title, because it really grabbed my attention when I saw it. The only problem is that so far it has little to do with your story. I suggest that you name your story “The Ties of Shadow.” You could make it mean something completely different at the end of the story than what people think it means at the beginning. (I’ve always loved doing that with my stories mwahahahahahahahahahah)
Anyway, keep writing. You have a pretty good idea going there, and I do want to read the rest of your stuff. It's nice to see another Zelda Fan running aroun

What I would suggest, Zaw, is to describe the setting a little more. Also, when does this all happen? Is it the same day, or is it over the course of a couple of days? Who and why does this guy have... the other guys mask? What makes the mask so disturbing to see?
Also, I think you should build a little more suspense towards the killing of the Happy Mask Man. All of it seems very sudden. If you add more description in the beginning, such as something like this:

“The man limped from the shadows, His cloak a billowing cloud of darkness as he approached. The Happy Mask Man gazed at the lackluster armor in some anxiety.”

Also, don’t base your story too much off of any of the games. People will look at it and think they already know what is happening, which might make them lose interest. Maybe if you gave the Happy Mask Man a name, it would sound more original. It would also be easier to write and read.

“The man smiled, sheathing his blood-smothered blade.”
“Smothered” implies suffocation, or something like it. Maybe “stained” or “spattered” would work. The paragraph before this should be combined with this sentence, such as:

“Why that’s alright. I’ll set you up for-”
The man fell to the ground, dead before he finished his sentence. The man smiled, sheathing his blood stained sword.”


"I would like a mask," said the figure, "but I don't have any rupees."

The character obviously doesn’t care if he has rupees or not. If you took out the second part of the sentence, it should do just fine.

"This mask's power is gone, now it's just for decoration."

Maybe something a little more powerful. “Its power was sucked into the winds of time!!!” Sounds a little better (I was exaggerating a little).

At the end, instead of writing out the mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, you should say something like “With a maniacal laugh the man disappeared into thin air” or……. Something like that.

I like your Prologue’s title, because it really grabbed my attention when I saw it. The only problem is that so far it has little to do with your story. I suggest that you name your story “The Ties of Shadow.” You could make it mean something completely different at the end of the story than what people think it means at the beginning. (I’ve always loved doing that with my stories mwahahahahahahahahahah)
Anyway, keep writing. You have a pretty good idea going there, and I do want to read the rest of your stuff. It's nice to see another Zelda Fan running aroun

Sorry for posting twice. My computer is incredibly slow and stupid.
Oh, and Dude, I'm sorry about giving some of that advice *sheepish grin*
I totally thought I was in the action/adventure, not fanfic.
So, yeah, sorry bout that ^-^"

Yeah, sorry peoples, been REALLY busy lately. Here's next chapter:

Chapter I: A Rude Awakening

“Hey! Link! Hey! Wake up, Link!”
“Urgg…” Link groaned as he rose groggily from his bed. Why did I ever save that stupid fairy? he thought.
“Link! C’mon! Today’s your big day!”
“Yeah, yeah, Navi, I know. I just hope Fado and Bo aren’t too critical about my job.”
“Oh, don’t worry! I’m sure they’ll love it! It is your first day running the ranch on your own, I’m positive you'll a did a good job!”
Link put on his favorite thing to wear now, his green tunic; Navi kept insisting it was made by some guy called ‘Kokiri’ or something, but it was still the same thing he wore almost all the time last year, and it made him feel special. He opened the door to see the one of his favorite sights, the half-light when the sun is just rising over the treetops of Faron Woods. Link breathed deeply, and forgot all his worries, at least for the moment, the orange light giving him the confidence he needed to face the day.
“Y’know, Navi, ever since I found you in that bottle in the Elde Inn, I’ve regretted opening it... I just wanted to tell you that, in case Fado talks me to death.”
Navi murmured something indistinct, but Link heard something about, “ungrateful little…”
Link chuckled, and set off at a run to Ordon Ranch. Before he got there, however, he was stopped by Talo and Beth, with Colin trailing behind them, wielding a (somehow) shiny looking wooden sword.
“Hiya Link!” cried Beth, before staring in awe at the sky blue fairy above his shoulder. “Whoa… where… who…? How did you get a fairy to follow you around like that?”
“What she means to say,” said Talo, “is that it’s been so long since we saw you last! Ever since you went off and saved us at
Kakariko, we’ve barely seen you at all! What’ve you been doing?”
“Not much,” explained the future ranch owner, “I’ve tended to the goats a bit, but I heard from Rusl that there was something strange going on in Kakariko’s Elde Inn. So, I went over on Epona to check it out, and guess what I found of all things?”
“What? What!?” yelled Talo and Beth eagerly.
“I found Navi here”, gesturing at the fairy whizzing around him, “trapped in a bottle, with some sort of magic stopper, that no-one could get out. What’s strange though is that nobody did the simplest thing, just smash the bottle!”
“… But Link, aren’t bottles really valuable?” Beth wondered.
Link swore loudly. “So that’s why those people made me fork over 100 rupees!”
“Hey… Link?”
Link spun around to look at Colin! He’d been so quiet this whole time the young hero hadn’t even noticed him.
“You know how I said that, someday, when I’m older, I’d be just like you?”
“Yeah Colin, why?”
“Well,” stated Colin triumphantly, “I went out into the fields beyond the woods and killed my first Bokoblin today!” Colin pulled a now dull machete and a pendant shaped like a butterfly out of his simple backpack.
“Wow!” exclaimed Link, “That’s incredible! You’re a really impressive swordsman, Colin! I’m glad that now I have someone I can relate to about things like this. But, I’ve got to get down to the ranch, Fado and Mayor Bo want to talk to me!” Link rushed off down the trail to Ordon Village.”

***

While a fairy aroused Link a few miles away, something less gentle awakened the princess of Hyrule. She arose to horns blaring somewhere in the fields outside of Castle Town. She looked out her ornate window, curious to see what was going on.
“Not again!” she thought, “that King Bulbin and his horn will be the death of me! Well, maybe not, he’s too much of a pushover!” The princess laughed as she changed into her official attire.
“This dress is such a hassle! Sometimes I wish there were something simpler to wear…”
Despite her wardrobe issues, Princess Zelda walked out of her chambers in good spirits. As she descended the marble staircase into the Entrance Hall, a regal looking messenger rushed up to her.
“Your Highness!” the breathless Zora gasped, “King Bulbin and his marauders are on their way to Kakariko, what should we do?”
“Come now, Rotu, you know what we should do; send some soldiers to stop them!”
“Yes, Zelda, I know, but we need approval of the whole royal family to pass a military arrangement, surely you know that?”
“Yes, Rotu, I did,” sighed Zelda, “I just wish Father would use common sense, instead of making such a silly rule. I’ll give my input when it truly matters! Anyway, please tell Father that I’m going out on a little stroll in the field, I should be back tomorrow.”
“B-b-but, Princess!” stammered Rotu, “are you sure it’s safe? With all those monsters?”
“Of course not, silly Rotu, but, don’t worry, I can more than take care of myself.” The Princess proceeded to strap a thin, monogrammed blade to her side. “Don’t worry, I’ll stay in southern Hyrule for the night, in Ordon Village.

All right, I just randomly decided that I will post three chapters a day now, to make up for all those days I was busy. Here's the second one:

Chapter II: The Doomknocker

“You shall go now Karak, go to the castle, be warned though, this is your last chance, you know what will happen if you fail me again...”
“It shall be done, my lord.”

***

A castle loomed over the field, covered in a blanket of dim twilight. Despite the sun's light waning, the citizens of the city inside the walls were still busying themselves with the matters of the day. Little did they know what would soon arrive at their gates.
The princess was the first to see them, wandering around on the field, looking at the flowers in the dim light. It would've been a peaceful day, but then she saw them. Legions of armed warriors, riding on backs of what could only be described as horribly mutated boars. And if the boars were ugly, their riders were simply grotesque. Her eyes glowing orange in the setting sun, the realm's princess dashed towards the castle.
"Princess? PRINCESS! What are you doing!? Don't break down our gates! We need those!" yelled the captain of the guard.
"No time..." she gasped, "they're coming, they're coming!"
"Who's coming your highness?" asked the worried guard.
"They are," she proclaimed, pointing outwards to the fields.
"Oh... O-oh no..." muttered the fearful guard. "RAISE THE ALARM! GET EVERY GUARD WE'VE GOT OUT HERE ON THE DOUBLE!!!"
During the commotion, the princess swept through the swathes of guards, into the castle throne room. She panted, gulping in gallons of air. She settled down in the throne, trying to calm herself, when it seemed that the earth itself shook.
The explosion rocked the castle, the ramparts were destroyed and the houses and shops inside obliterated. A single figure walked out alive. He was a man, dressed all in black armor, and a tattered black cloak. He walked with a pronounced limp, for his entire left foot was gone, burned to a cinder from some skirmish past. He swung the huge double doors open, and walked into the throne room.
"Your Highness, what a pleasure to see you again." said the man, in a deep, guttural voice, though he spoke almost politely.
"Karak! You're back... but you know you can't defeat me, I've bested you before, and I'll do it again. You're a fool if you take another step."
"Then that makes you, Princess Midna, the royal fool. Because the first time you bested me, I didn't have my master's power with me. Needless to say I do now."
Midna's eyes narrowed. "Master? Who would be so stupid as to keep such an idiot as yourself! Pah! Doomknockers? They're mindless fools who care about nothing but slicing their foe into bite-sized pieces. Go ahead, try and kill me, I think you'll be unpleasantly surprised when you charge blindly, for, like you, I to have a new power at my disposal. The Fused Shadows."
"Hahahaha... AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Karak's voice rose in pitch until it was all but incapable of hearing. Midna shuddered, that laugh...it reminded her of that lunatic, Zant. That night, dogs across Hyrule and the Twilight Realm all perked up their ears. "Midna, Midna, Midna... you and I both know that without every part of the shadows they're useless, except for turning weak minds into mindless monsters. And you're missing one. Heh... very well. If you're so bold, then face me. Now, NOW, NOW!

***

As Princess Zelda walked towards Faron Woods, she neared a large open patch of field, with no trees or anything to obstruct her view. She was vaguely aware of a haunting memory of this part of Hyrule Field. While she was walking she tripped over a broken, onyx colored horn.
"What? Is that... Oh, no..." Zelda thought aloud. She poked around the area, finding shattered, onyx stones, when she came upon a helmet. A helmet with a single eyeguard, and missing a horn.

Oh yeah, and Seraph Tree, there's nothing to apologize for, you kept your criticism constructive, without flaming me about how horrible this fanfic is. I appreciate your help with this.

It sounds good. A couple of things though. First, don't introduce too many characters at once. It leave us kind of confused about who the main character is. (Of course, being Zeldanese, I'm pretty sure it's Link and Zelda d;) Also, how old are all of they? Add a 'younger boy' and 'older guy' once in a while.
I thought that it was interesting that Navi was trapped in a bottle. You might want to give a brief history on that. Like:

Colin: How did you get trapped in a bottle?
Navi: I lost a bet with that stupid Windsoar...

I suggest more details. What does Link feel? Why is he owner of the ranch?

To help with flow and details, I suggest more showing. Here's an example

“A very old car.”
The wind picked up suddenly blowing the dust off of the hood. Surprisingly, it was still in good condition. The shell had maintained it’s beautiful blend of ebony and indigo. Upon further examination, two flat tires on the same side of the sleek body were the cause of the decrepit appearance. I wondered what had happened to it, and why it was sitting here alone and abandoned. Just like an old man, sitting on a porch by himself, rocking in his chair, watching all the young people go by.

Do you see what I mean? Instead of stating the obvious, make us think. I know, no one wants to, so we authors have to MAKE them! muwahahahaha...
That's the beauty of being an author- you control everything!!!

Anyway, back on subject...

What do you want your characters to feel? How do they react to things when they feel that way? How would YOU react if you felt that way?
Try getting into their skin. (Yes, even the girls) Think of how they would react mentally, physically, emotionally, magically, etc. Are they all sweaty and nasty in the heat of the moment, or are they calm as a cucumber? :p
How do you feel when you write about it? Do your eyes get wide, does your breath quicken.... sometimes these little things really count. ;D

Sorry if my questionis seem kind of odd. They're supposed to be thought provoking. Oh yeah. KILL us with suspense dude. Really, I'm serious. ;p That part with the guy in black armor. Make it a little more suspenseful. Like "the girl whipped around at the sound of soft leather on the rubble."

OH

I just had an interesting idea. What if you made the bad guy where white? People could think his this big holy shiny thing... unless you want him to be obviously evil. Anyway, it was just a suggestion.
Keep writing mon! It's really good. Just draw it out more, kill us with suspense, big shiny things everywere.... you know ;D

Chapter III: The Return

"That helmet!"
They were teleported out of the castle. The Fused Shadows were whirling around Midna's head. She and Link landed on Hyrule Field, about a mile away from the entrance to the castle. His malicious laugh echoed across Hyrule. An explosion. It was Hyrule Castle, the home of Zelda's family. All it's history was destroyed in one fell stroke.
A black horse, Ganondorf's Nightmare Steed, with the King of Evil perched on top, appeared atop a hill. Ganondorf held it. The final piece to the shadows, Midna's helmet, was held in his grasp. Crack!
He tightened his grip, and the horn of the fourth Fused Shadow cracked off the rest of it's body.
"But, that's history now." Zelda thought aloud, "Ganondorf's sealed in the center of the Field, with the Master Sword safely lodged in his guts..." She tensed, "Wait... Oh Din!"
The princess of Hyrule sprinted towards central Hyrule Field.


***


"LINK!" cried Fado, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" He sighed, "Mayor Bo, I'm sorry that Link's late, he's probably comin' through town righ' now."
"Well, he better be," said the mayor of Ordon Village, "if he's going to own this ranch after ya retire, he'd better learn to be punctual!"
"Mayor! Fado!" A winded Link hopped the fence into Ordon Ranch, with Navi hiding in his hat.
"Link m' boy!" Fado said in his booming voice, " 'S good t' see ya 'ere! Mayor Bo 'n I were wond'rin' if you'd ever get to showin' up! Ya were supposed t' be 'ere at three!"
"I'm sorry Fado, the kids hung me up, they were so glad to see me again. So, what should I do now that I'm here?"


***


The center of Hyrule field was where Zelda finally got to, as the sun moved behind a cloud. She looked up at the sky, judging from the sun that it was about three 'o clock.
"He should be here," thought the princess. "Right... there!" She pointed at a place surrounded by shattered obsidian-like poles, no one was there. "No... oh no! He's- H-he's... gone!" Zelda sped towards the spot where she had last seen the Evil King, she found one thing, the Master Sword.
"The Master Sword! This sword, the only one which can truly banish evil. I'm sure Link can use it once more."
She grasped the Master Sword, and pulled it out of the tough earth. As the Princess of Destiny held the sacred blade, it glowed, brighter than it had while empowered by the Sols. And as she stared at its radiance, it shattered. The sacred Master Sword, the only weapon that could destroy Ganondorf, was destroyed. From some by-product of Ganon's dark magic, or through the strange magic of the Sols, the Master Sword was gone.
"No- NO! How can it die on us! The Master Sword and it's wielder has protected Hyrule for hundreds of years! How can it desert us in our hour of need?" Zelda gasped. "Wait! Faron!"
Zelda picked some Lon grass, a weed often used in horse calls, and blew through it.
"Sarcus!"
Zelda's white horse, Sarcus, galloped towards her.
"Sarcus, it's good to see you. Come on, we must make haste to Ordon Province! Hurry, show me your speed!"


***


"Ahh, nice work, Link!" Fado and Bo approvingly said, applauding his work.
"I've never seen those goats in the barn so fast!" Bo congratulated. "You've got skills, lad."
"Thank you, sir!" Link said, gratefully.
"Don't call me sir, Link, you have every right to call me Bo, because you're the new head of Ordon Ranch!"
"Yes!" shouted Link, "thank you s- I mean, thank you very much Bo!"
"You're very much welcome, lad, take the day off, Fado can handle one more day, and I'll find you a hand to help ya out."
Link saluted. "Yes, sir!"
Link heard Bo chuckle as he walked off.
"Well Navi, we've certainly had a good day. Everything turned out great for once, no fights, no arguments, just a pleasant day, and great news."
"That's great, Link. But you should follow mayor Bo's orders! Take the day off, rest a bit!" Navi seemed very enthusiastic about a simple day in Ordon.
*Clip Clop! Clip Clop!*
The sound of hooves made the rancher turn towards the entrance to Faron Woods. He unsheathed his sword, and prepared for an intruder.
"I knew it was too good to last," Navi sighed.
"Link!"
"Zelda! What are you doing here?"
Zelda gracefully hopped off Sarcus, and sprinted towards Link.
"I have bad news. It's about the Master Sword, and this."
She held up the hilt of the Master Sword, and Midna's shattered helmet. The carvings on it, however, were glowing a blood red.

Oh, yeah, peoples, unless all you readers post something (ignore this Seraph Tree), I'm not going to post any more chapters. I don't expect ten page reviews on each chapter, all I need is just a short paragraph of comments about what you liked, didn't like, and what you think should be changed. Thanks!

I'm into The Legend of Zelda and know all about the games but am left confused after reading this. Maybe it's just me because I'm tired but I just don't seem to get any of this.