300- village attack

this might not be that good, as im better at songs and poetry than stories.

Leonidas lowered his head, but he knew the girl had died in his arms. He felt his blood boiling, his entire body prickling with energy. He felt a surge of adrenaline, his anger fueled by this grotesque spectacle. The girl was bait. They were still here. The demons that had murdered and slaughtered everything the girl had were still in his reach. The spartan king placed the girl on the ground, his eyes ablaze. Inside him, the very fires of hell burnt, his anger more intense than the sun itself. He roared, throwing his head back, a wordless cry to the sky. He would fight until the sun fell from the sky, until Sparta was nothing but ashes and his enemies heads rotting on Spartan spears. He drew his sword. it was no longer a piece of metal, but an extension of his will and his hatred to the Persian whores that had dared stain his land with their impure presence.
"Tonight Spartans," he cried, raising his sword, "We shall rid our land of these cowards. We shall sear flesh from bone until Xerxes himself cower before a Spartans rage and we shall severe his god like head from his oh so mortal body. We shall avenge the blood of these villagers drop for drop until all that is left in their veins is soot and ash. These, Demons, slander the under world by using their terms. They are nothing but men behind mere words. Immortals? I say we put their names to the test and how tat a Spartans reputation lies not behind his titles, but his actions, for they decide how we shall live and die. Now, my brothers, i decide how they die. And decide its now!"
The men roared, swords and spears raised in the air. Every step shook the earth, making even the very mountains crumble and crack. Xerxes would hear this beat, and this would be the rhythm to which he would fall.

Out of the shadows, they came, with fangs and claws, Grey skinned, cloaked in darkness. The king did not flinch. These demons were from what his unholy rage had spawned. From behind their masks, even the demons felt his anger. immortals. True, he put their names to the test. They came to him with words and titles. He came to them with a sword and shield.
The first demon Moved forward, locked in the Kings unfaltering gaze. The demon growled, a rumbling sound from deep in his metal face. The king roared. The Demon jumped at him, sword aimed at the Kings neck, everything to lose and everything to gain. With one breath the Demon stabbed. And hit the bronze of a spartan shield. The king swung, his roar shattering every demons title of immortality and crushing it into nothing. The kings roar hadn't finished before the Demon lay dead on the ground, his sword through his neck chest. Leonidas drew his spear.
"Tonight Spartans, we dine in hell. Tonight we fight, And they die. Give them nothing, but take from them EVERYTHING!" A spartan answer shook the 'immortals'. They put their name to the test. It seems that names cannot decide how you live. And with a spartan warrior, how you die.
The spilt enough blood that night to avenge every villager a thousand times more, yet the child's word still lay heavy on the Kings mind.

That night, the god king felt a very human shiver run down his spine.

Hey there Manga.

I will start off by saying that I very much enjoyed this, and I have not seen 300, but that doesn't mean I can't give you a pretty good crit on it. So, here we go:

He felt his blood boiling, his entire body prickling with energy.

I personally don't think that 'energy' was the best word to put there, since you are talking about how angry he is. Maybe "rage" would be a bit better?

The girl was bait. They were still here.

This may just be my nitpickyness, but I think the period should be replaced with a semicolon.

He would fight until the sun fell from the sky, until Sparta was nothing but ashes and his enemies heads rotting on Spartan spears.

"Enemies" needs an apostrophe after the 's' to show possession.

it was no longer a piece of metal, but...

Capitalize 'it'.

Oh, and you did not separate a space between your first and second paragraphs.

"Tonight Spartans," he cried,...

Comma between 'tonight' and 'spartans' I think. Someone please correct me if that is wrong!

We shall sear flesh from bone until Xerxes himself cower before a Spartans rage and we shall severe his god like head from his oh so mortal body. We shall avenge the blood of these villagers drop for drop until all that is left in their veins is soot and ash.

You've repeated 'We shall' too many times for my liking.

I say we put their names to the test and how tat...

Is 'tat' suppose to be 'that'? Proofread!

Now, my brothers, i decide how they die. And decide its now!"

Three things: ALWAYS capitalize 'I' no matter what, you should have combined those two sentences, and you need an 'I' between 'and' and 'decide' like so:

Now, my brothers, I decide how they die; and I decide its now!"

See?

From behind their masks, even the demons felt his anger. immortals.

Capitalize 'immortals'.

Gaht! AGAIN, you did not space between your paragraphs, darlin!

With one breath the Demon stabbed.

Add a comma after 'breath'; it's an introductory sentence.

And hit the bronze of a spartan shield.

This does not need to stand alone like that. Combining it with the previous sentence would have been better, that way it would look like this:

With one breath, the Demon stabbed and hit the bronze of a spartan shield.

Okey smoke? Ok. Onward!

The kings roar hadn't finished before the Demon lay dead on the ground, his sword through his neck chest.

Where is the sword stabbed? The neck or the chest? I don't think it can be in both places at once.

For the third time, you did not space between your paragraphs.

Leonidas drew his spear. "Tonight Spartans, we dine in hell..."

This would have been better written as:

Leonidas drew his spear, "Tonight Spartans, we dine in hell..."

It's dialog.

Tonight we fight, And they die..."

Don't capitalize 'and'.

"...Give them nothing, but take from them EVERYTHING!"

You should probably have just italicized 'everything' instead of putting it in caps. We can sense the enthusiasm without the big letters.

A spartan answer shook the 'immortals'.

I don't understand what you mean here. A spartan answer? The spartan answer shook the 'immortals'??? *is lost*

The spilt enough blood...

'The' should be 'they'.

...still lay heavy on the Kings mind.

Why is 'king' capitalized? You aren't talking about a specific king in that sentence, so it's not proper and doesn't need to be capitalized.

---

All in all, I liked this. Like I said before, I have never seen 300, but I found this to be very well done.

PROOFREAD! PROOFREAD! PROOFREAD! That is all the advice I have to give to you. Nice job.

Cheers,
Olivia

in the film, a spartan answer's is a roar and when they strike their weapons against their shield, and i tried to make things sound more spontanious and make the atmosphere tenser by using short sentances with full stops instead of commars. And also, with the 'take from them EVERYTHING!', its capitalisedbecause Leonidas shouts it to the Spartans. and, hehe, i just ran it through the spell check so with all the proofread i put too much trust in the spell checker.
Thankies, Ethan.

I'd say that's pretty good for a beginner. I like your use of big words, "grotesque", "unfaltering". That comes from writing poems and songs all the time, am I right?

Your description of the fight scene was pretty good too. But, for those scenes you should always be finding ways to make them better. Fight scenes have to by packed with excitement, especially in the middle of a war. I haven't written anything with wars yet, but if you'd like do find examples on good fight scenes you should read some of my work. I myself still have room for improvement but they should still give you some ideas.

yeh, thankies =P
I shall read some of yours now
I think i might write some more stuff
Ethan