Frozen Kisses

She woke to an argument.
Rising from her bed, she tiptoed to the door and walked into the hallway. The tiny eleven year old feet pitter pattered on the wooden floor. Making her way to the family room, the sounds of the argument became louder and louder. She stopped in the doorway, frozen by the scene before her blue eyes. Her mommy stood by the door, holding her baby sister in a car seat. Her daddy stood behind her mommy, grabbing her arm. Both of them just woken up. Their faces turned towards the girl and the room fell silent. Without knowing it, tears had started to fall down the girls face.
“Mommy?” she whispered, afraid.
“I love you Madeline. I love you so much,” Mommy said quietly. Then, she pulled her arm out of daddies hand and waltzed out the door. Daddy watched Madeline in grief as he went out after mommy. Madeline ran to the window and ripped back the curtains. As Mommies car pulled out of the driveway she held her hand to the windowpane.
“Mommy!” she cried. Madeline heard her eighteen year old brother, Peter, run out of his room. She turned her head to look at him, face hot with tears and snot. Then, Madeline looked back out the window.
Her father sat on his knees in the snowy driveway, his head bowed. His black hair ruffled from sleep. Warm tears cascaded down Madeline's face as she watched moms silver Malibu drive away down the street. Her hand fell from the icy window, leaving a hand print where it had been. Falling to the floor, weak with the fresh feeling of abandonment, Madeline felt her brothers hands around her. She cried in his lap as one thought kept reoccurring in her tiny head: Its my fault. It was me. Mom's gone cause of me. Peter rocked Madeline back and forth as she fell asleep in his arms.

Wow, short yet pretty moving...

I don't think abandonment is quite the right word to use, however. The girl still had her dad and older brother, so she wasn't technically alone. If you described how the girl was very attached to her mother in a sense that without her she would be lost, THEN abandoned would be a better term.

Anyway, nice start.

- G

Hi emmylou1995
I like it. Its short and sweet and moving.
midnightread

so I feel like a really terrible person because I'm about to rip your story apart in attempt to help you better yourself.

the sounds of the argument became louder and louder

You've already said "the argument" so i would suggest changing this one or the previous one. Maybe something more like "her parents's angry voices"? i know that sounds lame, but it prevents repetition.

The tiny eleven year old feet pitter pattered on the wooden floor

“Mommy!”

Ok, so first "tiny" doesn't really fit well with how old you say the girl is. At eleven, perhaps "small" but "tiny," to me, implies an infant. Also, the continuous "mommy"s were, quite frankly, beginning to bug me by the end. Yeah, she's eleven so she could still say "mommy," but replacing it sometimes with "her mother" would make reading it less of a pain.

Alright, now on to the grammar!

Both of them just woken up.

Both of them (had) just woken up.

down the girls face.

down the (girl's) face.

I love you Madeline

I love you, Madeline

Then, she pulled

You don't need the comma

daddies

This form means multiple fathers. Daddy's means father's, possessive.

Mommies

moms

brothers

Again, you are having issues differetiating between possessive and plural. "Mommies" becomes "Mommy's"; "moms" becomes "mom's"; "brothers" becomes "brother's."

Its my fault

"Its" becomes "It's" as in a contraction, as in "It is."

Alright, so now on to the general plot criticism and character questions:
-Why were both her mother and her father sleeping? An argument so big that it results in her mother leaving doesn't just pop up while they are sleeping one night. Something has to proceed it. Perhaps Mom has been thinking about it all day and she decides to just slip out when Dad's not looking? In this case, only Dad would be sleepy-looking.
-Why doesn't her brother ever speak? I know this is kinda trivial and unimportant, but shouldn't you describe how he looks like he feels some, too? If you're going to describe the Dad's reaction, why not Peter's? just a thought...
-If Madeline is going to blame herself, you should give her a reason to blame herself. Like, "this is happening because I got a C on my math homework and mom was disappointed with me" or "this is happening because I talked back to her and told her I hated her yesterday when she forced me to do that thing I don't like or because she wouldn't let me do that thing I do like." Not neccessarily in those words, but everyone feels guilty about something. What is the something that drives her to blame herself?

Now on to the good things:
-This scene is extremely moving. The choice of weather helps to further the emotions of the people in it. The lines about her father kneeling in the snow produce a very visual effect for the reader, and the part about her brother rocking her to sleep shows insight into her relationship with him.
-I like the names. This sounds really wierd, but there are some names that simply make me not want to read a book anymore because they don't fit with the character. For instance, when you name a goth girl Brianna or the eye-candy jock something like Leonard or Neville.

I know that list was significantly shorter, but really, all the other things were just suggestions and small improvements. Don't feel discouraged because you have an amazing ability to tap into people's feelings and that is a wonderful gift! Keep writing! (even if people such as myself are really critical of your work):]

Thanks, EAHailstorm. Your critisism really helped. I fixed it up a little. I hope it is better. At least a little.

This was a really touching story. So sad. There is one thing I would change. I would make the narrorator a bit older. You said she was eleven, however I pictured her to be more of a littler girl. But that is a simple detail and it would not be much to leave it. Other than that, great story!