Problematic: Part 1

“Aaliyah, Roxy! Get your butts over here!” I yelled, waving them over to the table where I sat.
Aaliyah skipped over and Roxy walked quickly enough to keep up with her.
When they reached me, we hugged and immediately started talking about our summers.
“I met the most perfect guy this summer. His name is Preston and he’s a senior,” Aaliyah said with a happy sigh. “We had an amazing time together. He said that our little summer fling wasn’t a fling at all, it was a relationship. He wants to continue it.”
“Ooo la la,” I said with a wink. “Maybe he’ll be your first.”
Aaliyah rolled her eyes and smiled. Then, we looked at Roxy. She looked back at us, eyes as big as golf balls.
“Roxy, what’s wrong? Did we taint your pure, innocent mind?” I teased.
She shook her head and giggled.
“No, I was just thinking about my summer when you looked at me. I had something a little…inappropriate on my mind,” she explained, blushing furiously.
Aaliyah and I both gasped.
“ROXY! You didn’t!” we yelled.
Roxy blushed even more.
“No! Nothing like that! Goodness!” she said.
Aaliyah and I laughed, nearly falling out of our chairs.
When I snuck a peek at Roxy, she had an embarrassed look on her face. She was rubbing her small, diamond nose stud which was a nervous tick that had developed a week after she’d gotten the piercing.
“Oh, come on, Roxy. Calm down, we were just messing around,” I said.
“I know. That’s not why I’m nervous, though,” she said, looking straight ahead.
I followed her gaze and saw Blake Duncan, the richest, most popular guy in school. He was looking right at Roxy with a wide smile on his face.
Aaliyah had been looking, too. We looked at each other, then at Roxy with our jaws dropped.
“You and BLAKE DUNCAN?! In ITALY?! This SUMMER?!?!” we yelled in unison.
Roxy covered her face in embarrassment and nodded.
Aaliyah and I squealed and laughed.
Behind us, someone asked, “What’s so funny?”
We turned around and saw Blake standing there in his entire blonde, blue-eyed, muscular, five-foot-ten-inch glory.
Roxy looked up and giggled.
“Hi, Blakey,” she said with a wink.
Aaliyah and I dropped our jaws once again, especially since Blake blushed.
“Hi, Roxanne. Can I talk to you?” he asked.
Roxy nodded, stood and followed Blake to a corner of the cafeteria.
“Oh my gawd! Our little nun has been tainted!” Aaliyah said with a laugh. I laughed, shaking my head.
When I looked up to see if any of our other friends shared our same lunch, I saw the most gorgeous man in the world.
He was tall and muscular with dark hair, dark eyes, and lightly tanned skin. His square jaw was a little stubbly. He wore jeans, a button down shirt and boots.
“Who is that?” I asked as I watched Mystery Man walk towards the lunch line.
Aaliyah looked up, saw him, and shrugged.
“No idea. I think he’s new,” she said as she looked back down at her pizza, picking off the pepperoni.
“He’s gorgeous,” I sighed.
Aaliyah laughed and said, “O-Kay. I think someone has fallen in love at first sight.”
I shook my head. No way. I was NOT the type to fall in love so fast.
Aaliyah started to eat her pizza when we heard heavy footsteps and crying.
It was Roxy and she was running to the girl’s bathroom. Trailing behind her was Blake, who had a very apologetic look on his face.
Aaliyah and I dropped whatever was in our hands and want after Roxy.
When we found her, she was in the corner of the bathroom, curled up into a ball, sobbing.
“Oh, Roxy,” I said as I slid down next to her and pulled her in for a hug. Aaliyah had dead bolted the door and was grabbing toilet paper for Roxy to blow her nose with.
“H-he has a girlfriend!” Roxy sobbed. “A fudging GIRLFRIEND! And he expects me not to say anything about this summer!”
I instantly felt sadness and anger for Roxy. She’d never hooked up with a guy before, so it was hard for her to get over it. Then, for a split second, I felt bad for Blake. When Roxy wants revenge, she gets it. It’s silent revenge, but it’s also deadly.
“He’s so going to pay for this,” we all said simultaneously. It made us all giggle and Roxy wiped away a few stray tears.
“Come on. Let’s go back out there before someone finds out that I’ve locked the door,” Aaliyah said as she stood up.
Roxy and I nodded and stood as well.
“So, who’s Blake’s girlfriend?” I asked Roxy.
“Nikki Lockwood,” she growled.
My jaw dropped.
“The girl that does EVERYTHING?” I nearly screeched.
Roxy nodded sadly.
“Well then he’s a no-good, disgusting asshole of a person,” Aaliyah remarked as she opened the door.
Just then, Nikki walked in, plastic boobs and all. She and her posse smirked at us and strutted to the sinks in their green, blue, and gold cheerleading uniforms.
“As I was saying,” Nikki started in her annoying, high pitched voice. “I don’t care what whore Blake hooked up with in Italy. I’m just glad he and I are still together and he didn’t leave me for the bitch.”
Nikki was looking straight at Roxy through the mirror when she said it.
That’s when I lost it.
I ran towards Nikki, grabbed a fistful of her bottle blonde hair and tugged on it hard. Then, with the same grip, I slammed her face into the sink.
There was a lot of screaming and yelling. A pair of hands grabbed my arms and pulled me away from Nikki’s slumped body.

This is really good! The description bottle blond is good imagery!
Keep writing,
Bel

Thanks! i will

Hi Roxywriter!

A few little nitpicks first,

She looked back at us, eyes as big as golf balls.

This seems like a little bit of a weird description, golf balls aren't really all that large, after all.

She was rubbing her small, diamond nose stud which was a nervous tick that had developed a week after she’d gotten the piercing.

That's a really bad habit! Nose piercings are notorious for getting infected while they're still healing, if she kept touching it all of the time it's probably have gotten very infected indeed.

We turned around and saw Blake standing there in his entire blonde, blue-eyed, muscular, five-foot-ten-inch glory.

I think that, at this point, you're trying to make out that Blake is super attractive as well as being rich, and that Roxy has scored the hottest guy in the school. The thing is, descriptions like that aren't really needed. If you were to just mention that he was attractive, people would, in their minds eye, put in all of the features that they find most attractive in a partner. I mean, personally, blonde hair and blue eyes isn't really my thing ;)

Okay! So, this seems to play into a lot of cliches. Nikki is the girl we're supposed to hate, because she does 'everything', has fake breast, is a cheerleader and is unpleasant. The thing is, you set her up as being someone that has no good features, except that people aren't really like that. It's kinda like that whole 'girls that have sex are bad!' idea. She's a bad person, because she has sex, which when you think about it is kinda ridiculous. People just aren't all good, or all bad.

I mean, what if you were to look at it from Nikki's perspective? Her boyfriend goes on holiday with some girl and hooks up with her while he's there? Why is Blake getting away scott-free? Why is out MC lashing after the other girl, rather than the guy who's playing everyone? Just because she's said something mean about her friend? Instead our MC does something that could actually leave Nikki dead, as if it's her fault that Blake has been a bit of a jerk to Roxy.

That said, while it's a little hard to buy into the story as it stands, and the actions of your characters, I think that you've got believable dialogue down quite well. It flows quite well, and they're the sort of conversations that you can actually imagine taking place between people, rather than feeling stilted and forced :)

I hope that I've been of some help! If you have any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot :D

-- Tinny