Staring Stars (Contest Entry, Feedback Please!) MAJOR EDITS

Spoiler

Okay, so this is for the official, epic contest where you have to do something from the story generator. I chose to do mine on "Your story is about a ninja under the bed wishing on stars."
Wasn't sure what genre it's in, thus its presence here.

Shinobi is the official-ey/tradition-ey word for ninjas, as far as I can tell, and kunoichi is a woman ninja. I think.

After looking up ninjas *cough- onwikipediaXD -cough* I have decided that they are pretty epic. That said, I think I took some liberties with this. For instance, I'm kind of skipping around the issue of time periods and whether there were big celebrations involving a lot of foreigners in one spot, etc. Just roll with it, unless something's majorly wrong.

Edited majorly 5/27/11. I think I'm on 1,000 words exactly. XD

Whoever my target was, he obviously had no idea that he was at risk. The gates were thrown open to admit a stream of guests from all countries and creeds, including my master and I. She strode ahead, cutting a path through the throngs with the confident tilt of her chin. I followed meekly, dressed in a servant’s plain clothing. Foreign languages were like bees zipping past my ears, senseless babble. No one around me could’ve told me what the celebration was about, or who owned this estate, or why someone wanted him dead. And my master had never bothered to tell me.
“All you need to know is that there’s a man you must kill, and the money I get will make me very pleased with you,” she had said once during the long voyage. “It’ll be simple, Mizuki. These foreigners don’t even know of the shinobi’s existence, let alone the kunoichi. They’ll never suspect a woman to be so capable.”
At least one foreigner knew of our existence. One rich foreigner, close enough to the target that he’d managed to get my master a legitimate invitation. But I couldn’t correct my master. Better to hold my tongue and still my mind. But that was getting harder and harder to do since Hoshi...
The sound of a Japanese greeting made me snap to attention, latching onto my own language like a child latches onto her doll. A young man with a child’s face bowed to my master, eyes sparkling as he straightened.
“It’s good to see you here,” he said to my master, but he was glancing at me. “I wasn’t sure you’d travel this far for such a ‘foolish’ venture.”
“A bit foolish, but noble,” my master said with a smile. “We agree with what you’re trying to do.”
“At least someone does.” The man sighed. “Well, I’m off. Lots of mingling to do, and any more conversation might reveal my incompetence with your language. Enjoy your evening.” With another smiling bow, he ducked away to speak with another foreigner, already slipping into another language.
“The master of the house?” I said under my breath so that only my master could hear. “My target?” She nodded. “What is it that we ‘agree’ with?”
There was a long pause as she led me toward a darker part of the gardens. I didn’t think she would answer, but at last she said, “He’s trying to unite the world.”
I furrowed my brow. “And I’m killing him.”
It wasn’t exactly a question, but she still replied. “Not everyone wants the world to be united. His plan will never work, and it’s none of our business. Killing him and collecting the money is all that concerns us here.” For one of the first times in my memory, her calm mask broke as she scowled. “And then we return to Japan, where things are normal.”
My master was as lost as I was in this foreign land? It was a startling thought. One that brought to mind all the buzzing, dangerous thoughts I’d been having ever since Hoshi had been captured. Ever since the night when smoke had filled a cloudless sky.
I made my face as emotionless as the statue we passed on the narrow path. My master studied the sculpture thoughtfully as she spoke. “His room is the one with the balcony. It’s a warm night; he’s left the doors open. Go.”
I joined the shadows at the base of the house. The building’s exterior was so full of ridges and trellises that I didn’t need to use my hidden rope to climb to the balcony. There were no cries of alarm, no pointing fingers from below. I went in with the breeze, sliding under the canopy bed and hiding behind the gauzy sheet that fell to the floor.
Now all I had to do was wait until the celebration ended. My heart sank at the thought of hours of waiting. Too much time to think. There was no avoiding it now.
Even if I dared to leave her after everything she’s done for me since my parents died, I reasoned grudgingly, she’d find me. She’d kill me before letting me leave.
What had she really done for me? Forced me to kill. And not just the guilty. Innocents, and a friend who hadn’t been fast enough. I could’ve saved Hoshi if I’d been able to go in after her… I knew that I could have saved her. But my master wouldn’t wait, for even a few minutes.
I could see the stars through the layer of gauze. Hoshi had always said you were supposed to wish on the stars that shot by, but I didn’t much see the point in that. Why not wish on the ones that stayed there, waiting to see how your situation turned out? Waiting to see what decision you would make.
She’d find me.
In Japan, maybe. But here, in such a different land...
I’d be dead in a gutter by morning.
But maybe not.
I looked at the stars, gripping the handle of my knife tightly.
“Please,” I said softly, “help this be the right choice.”
I slipped silently from beneath the bed, heart pounding in my ears. If I was doing this, it had to be now. I was halfway to the balcony when the door opened and the young man walked in, still smiling about something.
We both froze, staring at each other. The party couldn’t be over. He must’ve come back for something. I swallowed. He couldn’t look past the knife. If he had a shred of intelligence, he would’ve been screaming already.
Not that had he had any reason to. I put a finger to my lips as I backed toward the balcony, not breaking eye contact as I abandoned my old life. I disappeared into the night, exactly the way I’d been trained.
Into a new world as the stars stared down, waiting to see how my story ended.

Spoiler

Originally I'd planned a little bit more, like a conversation (kind of) with the guy she was supposed to kill, and/or them becoming friends or running off together, but... in less than 1,000 words, this is what I came up with. XD

Wow. Very well written. I didn't find any fundamental problems with your grammar or narration, though you might want to edit the little bits of dialogue/bits that are italicized that you have; they seem a tad choppy. Especially the last wish that she makes on the star (sorry, it's a bit awkward without a name); I love the fact that her wish reflects the gravity of her decision and reflects her doubts, but I think it's just awkward for her to ask them to, sort of, "bless" the decision for lack of a better word. Otherwise, if you have some more words left, I would try and work in some more of her indecision just to heighten the tension. I love the beginning and the concept and it's just wonderfully written. =)

Good job, can't wait to see more, I noticed some errors, but if they were anything important I'd remember them. Well, I'd like to say I thoroughly enjoyed that. Keep writing, have a nice day,

Hey there silentpages

As the other reviewers before me have said, I think you've done a good job on this. It flowed well and I didn't spot any grammatical mistakes, so good job there too.

I do have one suggestion.

I slid noiselessly from

I think 'noiselessly' sounds a little messy. Maybe try 'silently' - it sounds sleek, kind of like I'd imagine a ninja to be.

I'm not sure how close you are to the word limit, but if you do have any words left, I'd like to see you add in a little more about her previous killings. Maybe something about how she knew they didn't feel the pain, because their deaths had been quick, but how she'd felt bad. How she hated not knowing whether they deserved to die or not. Maybe a little internal thought too. You alreay have some, but I would have liked to have seen her being a little more indecisive - show us the internal struggle she's having - deciding whether to kill him or leave.

Overall though, I think you did a good job on this!

I hope this helps and good luck in the contest

xDudettex

Me again!

Just dropping back in to say I think the added information about her previous killings is good. It's not much, but it really helps to give us an idea of what she has to go through, being an assassin. And it gives us a bigger idea of how she feels about it too, as well as hinting at how she's killed in the past - giving her background a little more life.

Well done for making this story even better

xDudettex

Hello! I actually started this review a week ago, only finishing it now. Sorry >.<

I love ninjas, I know almost nothing about them though, even so, this piece is right up my ally. I really liked how you used the traditional names for the ninjas, it kind of gives a the piece a more serious/believable air. A lot of people would have gone a more humorous route with that prompt, and I appreciated that this was kept more down to earth, not that I have anything against humorous pieces. Your character is interesting as well, seeing as she is a ninja, and ninjas are epic. ^.^ Your prose flowed very well, and I really enjoyed your first few paragraphs.

I do think this could be improved a bit. Right now, to be honest, this just seems kind of telly, like one big backstory. I know the word count bit puts a significant barrier on doing too much scene work, but I think this piece is begging for it. Like for instance, I might want to see the relationship between the master and your MC, perhaps a little dialouge? Having never encountered a ninja/master pair in my life, it would be interesting to see how a relationship like that works.

Another thing I would find interesting is how your MC came to the decision she did. Was there a catalytic event that spurred to make a move? What was it that tipped her over the edge? Was it her last killing that did it? Did she have to kill a child? Is she haunted by it? Did her master do something? She does not know anything else, right? It must have been something really powerful to make her take that giant leap of faith. Right now, besides the rather vague, "I am sick of killing people" we don't really have much to answer those questions.

So, to sum up those two rambling paragraphs, I think you need to put us into the action, show us more, because it seems like your character is viewing her life as a removed third party right now. And to be honest, that is much less interesting than letting us experience a snippet of her life with her, in the moment.

Back to the issue of the one thousand words. Because this entry has to be so short, it also has to be really focused. So if your plot is "Ninja runs away from everything she has ever known." Every sentence should serve that plot in some way. You, of course, can still include your ninja underneath a bed wishing on the stars for a better tomorrow, but ultimately those details play only a supporting role to your bigger goal. Alright, so that just sounded slightly uppity but I will show you what I mean. ^.^

So, right now, you have two major scenes, and here, I am going to define scene as something where I had a picture of what was going on in my head, even if that scene was part of a reflection on the part of your MC.

1) Walking through the party
2) Underneath the Bed

Both of these scenes, should work to serve the plot. So, maybe when she's walking through the party she's talking with her master and we get to see why she feels so oppressed by her life now, maybe we see how she her regret about the previous killings. And then underneath the bed she puts all the pieces together and decides to leave. Of course, details about her target and the shooting stars should be included as well, but they should be included to further the point that she wants to get out. If that makes sense? I feel like that explanation was really incoherent, sorry about that. Essentially, the fact that she wants to leave should colour the majority of her observations. I think that will make this more focused.

Well, I guess that's all I have. Sorry this wasn't as nicely explained as I would have liked, feel free to PM if have any comments or would like me to elaborate. Best of luck with the contest!

Audrey

Hey again silent!

I think this version is better for giving us a deeper insight into the character's life. We now know more about why she's thinking about leaving her master and why she decided to leave without killing the man. This version was a lot less descriptive, I think, but you substituted the description for brilliant characterisation of the master - I could really imagine the way she carried herself and the way she spoke.

We also get to see more of the MC's personality here and I think it helps the reader to understand why she decided to run away. She obviously feels quilty about Hoshi's death and it's played on her mind ever since. And the whole thing with killing the man who wants to bring the world together, makes her question her motives as a killer, so that helped to back up the ending too.

it’s a warm night; he’s left the doors open.

'it's needs to be 'It's'

Overall, I think the fact that you've described the charatcers more in this piece has made it a different, but more enjoyable read to the other version.

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Hey back again!

This rewrite is leaps and bound better! You kept us in the action, the ending was fantastic, your characterization of the master was very well-done. You didn't make her so unbearable cruel and harsh so as to jam that point down our throats, but you made her calculated and callous, which not only is believable, but is also chilling. It seems to me that people who are evil are made even more so when they don't seem evil. So excellent job. That last line was also something really nice, it's the kind of line that leaves you with something, a little mystery, and connecting it with the stars was lovely.

So, improvements. I will try to make all my suggestions while keeping in mind the word count bit. It is mostly nitpicks, I'll put those in a spoiler. I think you have fixed most of the big problems. But I would like to talk about the "he wants to unite the world" bit. I don't like it, at all, to be honest. It's way too vague, and way to just generally good/noble. I have no idea what uniting the world means. It could mean any number of things. It's kind of like saying "he wants world peace" It's so vague, that is means nothing, not to mention it's impossible. Try and make it a concrete thing he is doing (ex. what is he doing to unite the world?) Or if you want to drop that idea, something else that he is actually doing. I would also not try to make too perfect (ex. he wants to save the polar bears) because it just makes the whole thing seem a little cartoonish. Complete good v. complete evil is not that believable or interesting.

Okay, so the scene with the target. I am not sure what it achieves for your story. The target is just a stick figure right now, a stupid stick figure at that. I think you might want to humanize him a bit, make him real. I might be wrong, and if I am disregard the next point, but the point your trying to make is that your MC was about to kill this innocent man, this human being, right? I don't think this does that. I don't feel anything for the target, I don't care about him. Alternatively, you could just omit the scene entirely, for the sake of word count.

Finally, your MC. I like her. I think her actions are believable, which is no easy feat. However, she does not seem to have that unique of a point of view, and she should, since she is a Ninja. For instance, I am assuming your MC is super-vigilant, and trained to noticed threats/disturbances, so if she is walking through a party, she would most likely be on her toes watching in all directions. Instead of following meekly behind her master. If you make some slight shifts in what your character observes, it will give some dimension to your MC I think.

Spoiler

“Well, I’m off. Lots of mingling to do, and any more conversation might reveal my incompetence with your language.

The "Well, I'm off." Seems a tad too conversational to match with the relatively formal language this man used before, might be more of a personal preference though. Also, because this conversation is so short it seems rather pointless. For the sake of your story, of course it is not, for it charterizes the master. But it left me thinking, why would this man draw attention to the two ladies by having this conversation with them? He does not seem to impart any significant information, not even a "thank-you for your services." So, why? Just something you might want to think about.

My master was as lost as I was in this foreign land? It was a startling thought.

I really don't like this, It was a jarring and took me right out of the action. I also think you can let the reader come to this conclusion of their own, without you having to explicitly tell us/force us into the conclusion. I think all it would take is a sentence of your MC's master looking oddly anxious or fidgeting nervously. Again, totally up to you.

So that is all I have this time! You did a wonderful job with this rewrite. Seriously. Your sentences flow really well, and some of the imagery you employ is so beautiful. If you have any comments or questions feel free to wall/PM me!

Audrey

Whoever my target was, he obviously had no idea that he was at risk. I don't really like this as a first sentence because it feels kind of weak despite the inherent threat behind the words. The gates were thrown open to admit a stream of guests from all countries and creeds, including my master and I. She strode ahead, cutting a path through the throngs with the confident tilt of her chin. I followed meekly, dressed in a servant’s plain clothing. Foreign languages were like bees zipping past my ears, senseless babble. No one around me could’ve told me what the celebration was about, or who owned this estate, or why someone wanted him dead. And my master had never bothered to tell me. I'm fairly sure this is about ninjas, which I've read a fair bit about while link jumping in wikipedia yesterday. Anyway, a ninja is rarely an assassin, but since it's possible, I'll let it go. What's important to note is that ninjas are private people and they're very discreet about their job. They also prepare a good deal, so it doesn't make sense that he doesn't know who owns it or what the celebration is about.

“All you need to know is that there’s a man you must kill, and the money I get will make me very pleased with you,” she had said once during the long voyage. “It’ll be simple, Mizuki. These foreigners don’t even know of the shinobi’s existence, let alone the kunoichi. They’ll never suspect a woman to be so capable.” Mrh. Infodump.

At least one foreigner knew of our existence. One rich foreigner, close enough to the target that he’d managed to get my master a legitimate invitation. But I couldn’t correct my master. I'm not sure why the master is going either. The master doesn't usually leave, if I read correctly. Only lower ninjas go do the dirty work. Besides, going there in broad daylight (figuratively speaking) would no doubt be attracting trouble. There's no need for the master to go, so why would she go? She'd be more of a nuisance than anything, since I gather she's not actually going to kill, or assist in it. I'd like an explanation, please. Better to hold my tongue and still my mind. But that was getting harder and harder to do since Hoshi... Ah, the dramatic ellipsis. We meet again. ._. Please take it out, or at least segue into something else. Don't just leave it there.

The sound of a Japanese greeting made me snap to attention, latching onto my own language The sound of a Japanese greeting latched onto its own language. Nope. Revise. like a child latches onto her doll. A young man with a child’s face bowed to my master, eyes sparkling as he straightened.

“It’s good to see you here,” he said to my master, but he was glancing at me. “I wasn’t sure you’d travel this far for such a ‘foolish’ venture.”

“A bit foolish, but noble,” my master said with a smile. “We agree with what you’re trying to do.” ?? Very strange relationship. Usually, it's a client and a hitman. You pay, they get the job done. oo I'm not sure why they're so friendly with each other. It almost seems as if they're good friends or allies or something.

“At least someone does.” The man sighed. “Well, I’m off. Lots of mingling to do, and any more conversation might reveal my incompetence with your language. Stiff. Infodump, almost. Enjoy your evening.” With another smiling bow Smiling here refers to bow., he ducked away to speak with another foreigner, already slipping into another language. So he smiles, bows, and ducks away to speak with another foreigner all at the same time? oo I don't think so.

“The master of the house?” I said under my breath so that only my master could hear. “My target?” She nodded. “What is it that we ‘agree’ with?” Technically, you have to remember that ninjas are hierarchal. They don't question, and the underlings don't really get an answer, if I'm not mistaken. This doesn't really sound respectful as much as she sounds like an impatient teenager.

There was a long pause as she led me toward a darker part of the gardens. I didn’t think she would answer, but at last she said, “He’s trying to unite the world.”

I furrowed my brow. “And I’m killing him.” Mmmyeah. I can't really see a master/servant relationship as opposed to one of equals. She's maybe even a little condescending. oo"

It wasn’t exactly a question, but she still replied. “Not everyone wants the world to be united. His plan will never work, and it’s none of our business. Amen. You'd think the underling would know this too. Killing him and collecting the money is all that concerns us here.” For one of the first times in my memory, her calm mask broke as she scowled. “And then we return to Japan, where things are normal.”

My master was as lost as I was in this foreign land? It was a startling thought, one that brought to mind all the buzzing, dangerous thoughts Repetition. Find another word? I’d been having ever since Hoshi had been captured. Ever since the night when smoke had filled a cloudless sky. Clunky. Revise.

I made my face as emotionless as the statue we passed on the narrow path. My master studied the sculpture thoughtfully as she spoke. “His room is the one with the balcony. It’s a warm night; he’s left the doors open. Go.”

I joined the shadows at the base of the house. The building’s exterior was so full of ridges and trellises that I didn’t need to use my hidden rope to climb to the balcony. There were no cries of alarm, no pointing fingers from below. I went in with the breeze, sliding under the canopy bed and hiding behind the gauzy sheet that fell to the floor.

Now all I had to do was wait until the celebration ended. My heart sank at the thought of hours of waiting. Erm. Patience is key in a job like this, I think. oo Ninjas are, first and foremost, spies. Impatience would not lead to a promising career (which she probably has if her master chose her to come on this mission). It would most certainly lead to death. Too much time to think. There was no avoiding it now.

Even if I dared to leave her after everything she’s done for me since my parents died, I reasoned grudgingly, she’d find me. She’d kill me before letting me leave. Which implies she could actually leave once killed. Revise. Maybe, "She'd kill me before I left," or, "She'd kill me before allowing me to leave."

What had she really done for me? Forced me to kill. And not just the guilty. Innocents, and a friend who hadn’t been fast enough. A little cheesy, to be honest. I could’ve saved Hoshi if I’d been able to go in after her. An ellipsis actually detracts from the drama of the moment sometimes, as it lends its power to melodrama as opposed to drama. I knew that I could have saved her. But my master wouldn’t wait, for even a few minutes. Sensible. I actually see the master's point. oo"

I could see the stars through the layer of gauze. Hoshi had always said you were supposed to wish on the stars that shot by, but I didn’t much see the point in that. Why not wish on the ones that stayed there, waiting to see how your situation turned out? Waiting to see what decision you would make.

She’d find me.

In Japan, maybe. But here, in such a different land...

I’d be dead in a gutter by morning. Actually, I see more sense in leaving at the moment than in leaving when they get back to Japan. The master seems lost in the foreign land; Japan would be full of her acquaintances and connections. She'd be doomed there. Here, she might have a fighting chance.

But maybe not.

I looked at the stars, gripping the handle of my knife tightly.

“Please,” I said softly, “help this be the right choice.” But you also forget that it's not that easy. She's not willing to kill anymore, so what's she going to do for a living? How's she going to eat? Where will she sleep? oo I think the decision requires more thought, thought an assassin could certainly lend.

I slipped silently from beneath the bed, heart pounding in my ears. If I was doing this, it had to be now. I was halfway to the balcony when the door opened and the young man walked in, still smiling about something.

We both froze, staring at each other. The party couldn’t be over. He must’ve come back for something. I swallowed. He couldn’t look past the knife. If he had a shred of intelligence, he would’ve been screaming already. Meaning he's stupid? o0

Not that had he had any reason to. I put a finger to my lips as I backed toward the balcony, not breaking eye contact as I abandoned my old life. I disappeared into the night, exactly the way I’d been trained.

Into a new world as the stars stared down, waiting to see how my story ended. I don't really like this last sentence.

Anyway, I have little problems with your prose. I think you could afford to be a little more immersive with your descriptions by including the other senses as well as what's visible, but that's not the big problem. You could also afford to cut "that" here and there, by the way. Read through it and try taking out "that". If it makes sense without it, then take it out. It's dead weight for your prose.

Now, reading back, the biggest problem I have would be the main character and the discrepancies I noted. First of all, the main character is insolent. I can understand that if she's grieving she would be a bit more volatile than usual, which makes me wonder why the master chose her for this task. Surely the master isn't stupid - otherwise, she wouldn't have become a master in the ninja clan. She'd know that she forced the MC to kill her friend, and because of that, she'd probably be aware that the MC isn't too happy at the moment. Volatile and unstable. Not a good pick for an assassin. It feels as if things only happened because you needed them to happen, you know?

You're going to have to provide me with more explanations. Also, I'd like to know why the MC doesn't show too much respect and the master hasn't lopped off her head yet. See, respect is vital or else an organization would fall apart. If the lower ones are so uppity, it'd cause huge trouble. Why is it tolerated? If you didn't mean for the MC to sound a condescending, then maybe revise? oo"

I'm not even sure why they're the ones chosen to kill this guy. It's in a foreign land. Travel is not easy. They could very possibly get caught and killed, especially since you've said they don't know this land before. There are local assassins, I'm willing to bet, so where are they? How much were they paid, exactly? It would have to be a stupendous amount of money given that they have travel costs. Plus, this is a huge risk. An incredibly huge risk. They're not even disguised when they appeared. ._. Bad idea, I think.

Also, the running away part came too quickly to really feel believable to me. There are plenty of things to consider when you're running away, not the least of which is where you'll be staying and how you'll survive. At least make a passing mention of this. She's trained to be a spy first of all, so she'd probably be quick of mind.

Lastly, your voice is incongruous with your MC's job. As Audrey mentioned, your character is probably trained to watch people. There's no reason she wouldn't describe anything that felt out of place, no matter how small. Her voice also sounds a bit too teeny-boppy for someone with such a serious occupation and (I assume) high ranking. I'd like to see the voice turn into something sharper. Not necessarily emotionless (emotionless assassins are so overdone), but more observant, perhaps. And with slightly more gravity or something. Maybe even grief or resentment, seeing as she just recently killed Hoshi.

So yeah, that's all I can think of for now. I hope this helped~ If you have questions, just send me a PM. ^^

Sincerely,

Octave